(I feel like that title comes equipped with a Leslie Nielsen quote.)

I have watched this sort of .. phenomenon? movement? trend? .. take place here lately, and while I can typically just silently acknowledge these things and maybe remark on them under my breath or over pillow talk, I think this one particular thing has advanced so far that I cannot sit idly by in silence.

I will judge you by how you treat your server at a restaurant.

See, here’s the basis of my judgement. 1) I worked in food service for a LOOOOONG time growing up, so I am arguably more sensitive than most regarding this issue. 2) Servers are, you know, PEOPLE. It’s akin to how you treat children and animals. (Both of which are also scorecards for how I judge you as a person.)

I have always known people who are naturally bad tippers. That’s .. well, okay, that’s not fine, but it is at least more palatable to me because while they were cheap, they were never rude. But now it seems to be a growing trend that people are not only cheap, but also rude and condescending to their servers. And I CANNOT TAKE IT.

If you believe yourself to be superior to your server, to the point that you cannot even address them as a human being, then STAY AT HOME. These people are BRINGING FOOD TO YOUR TABLE. They are doing you a SERVICE.

Treating your server with disdain or condescension does not make you look assertive. It does not make anyone think, “Oh, that guy? That guy is a go-getter! Who knows what he wants!” No, treating your server – or any human being – that way? Only makes you look like an asshole.

If you have bad service, it’s totally okay to call over the manager and let them know. It is NEVER OKAY TO NOT LEAVE A TIP. NEVER EVER EVER. A lot of mistakes are not the server’s fault, and the server still depends on your gratuity to pay their bills. Would you blame the bus driver for your kid’s bad grades in school? OF COURSE NOT.

I’ve spent most of my life going behind bad tippers and righting their wrongs. If we’ve taken up a large table and then my companions left a measly tip? I’ve gone behind them and fixed that. I don’t mind that. (20%, y’all. 20%. Not a dollar or two.)

But if you’re with me and you’re just a downright ASSHOLE to the server?

Not only am I going to compensate for your behavior, but I’m ALSO going to gift the server of something even better: me letting you know exactly how I feel about it.