So, I KNOW THIS WILL BE SHOCKING, but I tend to not deal with stress very well.
Oh, on the OUTSIDE, I’m fine. I still smile a lot and I’ll still laugh a lot, but I internalize it ALL. And whether or not you believe in this sort of thing, I am a total empath. This means I tend to internalize not only MY personal emotions, but those around me as well. Soooooo throw in a family crisis in my own house and I’m not so good.
I had a Goal of 2012 to Run at Least 9 Miles a Week. We are now four weeks into the year and I have run a total of ZERO MILES. ZERO. Here, let me make that easier for you to read: 0. Goose egg.
Now, no one is in charge of me but me and all that jazz, but .. the last two or three weeks have been MAGNIFICENTLY AWFUL in my home. We have been fortunate if we can get everyone where they need to go during the day, and our nights have been spent in preparations for the next day’s attack. Every night. For weeks. So, yes. I could’ve gotten up at dawn to go running. But I haven’t.
Also, there is the issue of my shoes.
The week before I ran my first 5K, Bryan asked me to go be fitted for actual running shoes. Up until that point, I had been using my old New Balances, which – SERIOUSLY – I had worn for over ten years, through waitressing and whatnot. (I loved those shoes.) And I did, I went and got fitted for some real running shoes. I spent an insane amount of money on shoes (Asics something or other) and inserts (.. the blue ones?) and all that stuff, and I went on to run probably 12 or so 5Ks in them.
That was early 2009. I AM STILL WEARING THOSE SHOES.
I’ve been putting off getting new shoes because there is little else in the world that is worse than running in bad shoes. So I’m terrified of getting the wrong shoes. AND yes, I could go get fitted again and have them watch my stride and that’s PROBABLY WHAT I SHOULD DO, but I don’t want to spend gobs of money again. Also time. I am short on time.
So I’ve been putting it off, even though my knee has been KILLING me in my old shoes, and my hips hurt, and oh yeah my back, and also my ankle pops a lot, and .. then, Sunday, I laced up my sneaks to see that my PINKY TOE was coming out of the side of it.
Looks like I’ll be doing just that.
I need to start putting myself in the queue. Maybe not first, second, or even third, but in the queue. It’s time that I say, Okay, timeout, I need some time too. And maybe some fancy shoes will give me the backbone to do that.
I look back at the girl who started running for no particular reason and went on to run a 5K in four weeks and I look at how proud of herself she clearly is, and how she holds herself and I am despondent that she is no longer with me.
But she can be.