I am a sucker for lip-reading videos. I think it’s a great way to poke fun without declaring political affiliation.

That said, I’ve seen Rick Perry speak live in debates. I doubt anyone could argue that he ACTUALLY said this.

I have to remind myself close to a million times a day to SHUT UP A LOT OF PEOPLE WOULD LIKE TO BE WHERE YOU ARE, but the reality of it is, I don’t like to be where I am so the rest of it doesn’t matter.

So I try and be grateful, because I know that I’m in a transition period, where the door or window or crawlspace will open eventually if I just wait long enough, but the waiting is the part I’m not good at. Those who know me well have called me on the carpet about my impatience and my inability to let go of my fierce need to CONTROL ALL THE THINGS, so I know that’s a Very Real Thing, and yet.

I’ve made a resolution to myself that I’m buying no new clothes for myself until I can buy them in a smaller size, and so far, I’ve held true to it. I’ve bought one new dress for the upcoming trip I’m taking, but I bought that months ago in anticipation of the event. Other than that, nothing. And it’s been hard, because that new shirt or new shoes is that little pick-me-up that makes me excited about getting up in the morning. Without it, without the lull and shine of something new, I just look listlessly at my closet hoping clothes will jump out and throw themselves on my body.

My body feels soft, irresilient, portly, and yet AND YET I cannot make myself do anything about it. I feel so completely overwhelmed by the uselessness of it, how I do this EVERY SINGLE YEAR and yet. I have Boot Camp starting at the end of October and the date canNOT come fast enough because I know Joe will push me. And I need that. I need to be pushed.

I look at meal plans and think, Oh I could but then I stop there because, let’s face it, unless I feel like cooking three separate meals – and I don’t, one is enough trouble – there is no use.

There is always the issue of money. Always. And when we talk of getting out of that issue, the inevitable When Sarah Gets Her New Degree or When Sarah Gets a Different Job or When Sarah. It is always When Sarah. And I am so tired of being the favored horse in this race.

And I had hoped – really, hung ALL my hopes on this – that the doctor would confirm what I can’t fix. That something is just off. That blood levels showed me rocky, unstable. But that hope is gone with the mark of perfect health, handed down as a sentence that makes no sense. There is no quick fix for this.

I am fine. I will be fine. (She tells herself.) There are good days. But there are so, so many bad days in between.