There is a crucial difference between my husband and myself, and it’s one that I often have to remind myself of.  I am ambitious to a fault.  He is easily fulfilled.

We talked about this last night, as our pillow talk wandered from subject to subject.  I confessed that I don’t know what to do now, with the realization that our major milestones have been met.  The same feature that makes me good at (and why I enjoy) proposal work is what leaves me floating, unsure, currently.

We have the lovely house.  The nice car.  We have good jobs.  We have the kids.  We have the pets.  We are well-established in our community.  We are .. fine?  That’s less of a question, really, because we are fine; I just wonder if that’s the right word for it.  We are happy, no doubt.  We are in love, and we keep a happy and warm home.

But .. now what?

What’s next?

Some people are content to lead the same lives for days upon days, in the same job with the same week-end goals, for years or until retirement happens upon them.  I think Bryan is one of those people.  I ENVY THE HELL OUT OF HIM FOR IT, TOO.  Because I cannot be that way.  For the life of me, I’ve tried.  I’ve tried to stop reaching, I’ve tried to stop browsing, I’ve TRIED.  I’ve struggled.  But I do better with a list of milestones to check off.  To accomplish. 

A character I’ve always – ALWAYS – connected with is Eve.  Like, from the Bible.  Because I was sympathetic towards her, and it was best personified in the musical Children of Eden.  She just wants to have the answers, the knowledge.  She says “the spark of creation is blazing in [her] blood.” 

We think all we want
is a lifetime of leisure,
each perfect day the same.
Well, that’s alright if you’re a kind of crustacean,
but when you’re born with an imagination,
sooner or later,
you’ll feel the fire
get hotter and higher!

YES.  So: I go back to school in the fall.  That’s a goal.  But other than that?  WHAT IN THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH MY LIFE? 

Also?  I know none of y’all have the answer for this.