I have online ADD. Of course, this week, I’m going easy on myself.
Y’all, this week .. no, in THREE DAYS, not even a full week .. I have built over 350 powerpoint charts. I was a chart MACHINE this week. And although that sounds impressive, because THREE-HUNDRED-FIFTY is a big ole number, it’s just powerpoint charts in the end. And they will most likely – all of them – never see the light of a projector bulb again.
It started with me wistfully looking at our yard.
We have a spacious backyard (that we almost never use) and a decent front yard. This summer, the rain has been plentiful as well as the heat, and the grass has been obnoxiously growing on pace with our national debt. For the past three years, we’ve had “our guy” come and cut it every other week and that’s been sufficient. This year, though, every other week is disastrous. It clogs his mower, and there are clippings EVERYWHERE. Sure, we could just have him come every week, but .. I’m no mathmetician, but it seems like that would double our expenses.
So I started thinking, “Maybe we should just go ahead and buy a riding mower.”
I would buy a push mower except that I think we have one but it doesn’t work. It doesn’t work because Bryan used it once. I know it used to work because I used it the fifty bazillion times before that. I love him and he is EXTREMELY handy at most things, but lawn care is not one of them. (He will attest to this. Lawncare and/or gardening is not his bag.)
When we moved in, I was all, “Let’s get some estimates for lawn guys,” and Bryan was all, “No, we have a mower,” and I was all, “Okay, then YOU do it,” and he was all, “OKAY, I WILL, BITCH” but the bitch part was inferred by his tone and I was all, “I’M WAITING, ASSHAT” except I really said asshat and guess what? THE MOWER SUDDENLY DIDN’T WORK.
Welcome to the joy of being married to me.
And I love our lawn guy, a college kid who has grown to now run an entire network of college lawn boys, but if we owned our own riding lawnmower, we could have the perfect lawn like ALMOST all the time and we’d save money! And if it was a riding lawnmower, I wouldn’t mind mowing our lawn. Seriously.
I went and looked at prices for new riding lawnmowers and .. um .. I do not think we would be saving money there. So I hopped over to Craigslist.
First of all, why do people feel justified to ask for such outrageous prices for things that DO NOT WORK? “Snapper riding lawnmower. 12 years old. Does not start. $1500 OBO.” UM, WELL. If I wanted a GIGANTIC, NONMOVING THING, I’d just get a giant metal chicken for my yard.
(Please click that photo. It is my favorite new thing on the internet, mostly because I love Jenny so hard, but also because it’s amazingly hilarious and totally something I would do if I had friends with a truck.)
Anyway, so while looking for a riding lawnmower that both 1) runs and 2) is below $3K, I realized that there is also livestock listed in this same category on Craigslist.
OH SHIZNIT, Y’ALL.
For LESS than a riding lawnmower, I can buy:
- A minature pony
- a jersey heifer – which, obviously, is a worth investment just for the jokes ALONE
- a goat
- NIGERIAN DWARF GOATS
- non-metal (i.e. REAL-ASS) chickens
Now, we don’t fully utilize our backyard. I think I mentioned that earlier. Don’t you think a collection of Nigerian Dwarf Goats and Jersey Heifers help us fully find our backyard’s potential? WHILE PERMANENTLY ALLEVIATING THE NEED TO MOW AT ALL?
I rest my case.