Archive | September 19, 2010

Sunday Anxiety

It’s a Sunday afternoon.

The temperatures are unusually high, even for Alabama; our forecasts have topped out in the high nineties, leaving us sweltering in heat ten to fifteen degrees higher than our usual September warmth.

In the cool of our A/C, every occupant of the house is napping, four-legged children included.

I can’t sleep.  I’m thinking about Monday.

Monday, I start back at the grind I was so eager to leave.  I start back with 40 hours, same circumstances that I survived when I was 24.  Once more, one more time, this time with feeling.

And though I’m grateful.. money = eternally grateful .. I am approaching all of this with dread.  I was so miserable the last time, so encompassed with work that I was not compensated for, and I know it made me less than whole everywhere else.  I am terrified of peering into that looking glass again.

It couldn’t have ALL been that bad, Sarah. I tell myself this over and over.  There were happy times.

Yes, there were.  But I never felt useful, I never felt needed, and I never felt fulfilled.

I’ve had a taste of that now.

So we’ll see.  We’ll see if I can be shaped.  We’ll see if I can start demanding what I’m owed, while giving everything I have.  We’ll see if I can think more like a man this time.  We’ll see who I let myself become this round.

But I made this decision for lazy Sundays, I remember.  For routines, for consistency, and for the chance of lazy Sundays.

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