I? Am a Christmas Carol aficionado. Seriously. I know most carols in two or three harmonies, and I know a few of them in various languages. I don’t get tired of them. We have a radio station here locally that begins the day after Thanksgiving with the 24 hour frivolity and I keep it on my tuner until December 26th. My family usually hates me for this. Especially Tony, who gets tired of me belting out that damn hippo song.
But, I’ll be the first to admit that there are some songs that are just.. well.. BAD. Here is my list.
And this list is not exclusive. I’m sure you’re going to know some that I forgot here.
1. That Damn Christmas Shoes Song. I have hated it FOR AGES. I dare say that this was how I realized that Ronda and I were sisters torn at birth, because we both found this song trite, condescending (why must a poor child be dirty?), and STUPID.
2. “My Favorite Things” from Sound of Music. WHY IS THIS A CHRISTMAS SONG?! Because it mentions packages? With strings? THAT DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE. “Genie in a Bottle” is the same sort of song talking about a present, and yet you don’t see children singing THAT at church choir Christmas concerts.
3. “Do They Know It’s Christmas?”. Y’all, this song SEVERELY irks me. NO, THEY DON’T KNOW IT’S CHRISTMAS; THEY’RE NOT CHRISTIANS. Should we pity them and their plight? Because “there won’t be snow in Africa”? I’m not sure how much effort y’all put into researching this one before getting Bono on-board, but THERE IS RARELY SNOW IN AFRICA. I live in Alabama, and we never get snow on Christmas, and I see no collaboration raising money for my ass. Also: THEY DON’T CARE IF IT’S CHRISTMAS. THEY CARE ABOUT EATING FOOD TWICE IN ONE DAY.
4. Any cover of a classic that is made “new” by an artist putting as many vocal runs into the song as humanly possible, to the point that you can’t even really figure out what they’re trying to cover. Hey, music ‘artists’: try revamping the style (see any BareNaked Ladies Christmas cover), or maybe some clever interpretation of the lyrics, or even just a song that FITS your niche (Madonna singing “Santa Baby”?). But trying to play Whitney with “Little Drummer Boy” just sounds stupid.
5. Using a children’s chorus to back you up. That’s horrible in a two-fold kind of way: 1) I know you’re trying to tug on my heartstrings, you bastard, and that shit is not going to fly and 2) KIDS CAN’T ALWAYS SING. SERIOUSLY. THERE IS A REASON PARENTS HATE GOING TO THEIR KIDS’ CHOIR CONCERTS.
Runners Up:
- Dominick the (Italian) Christmas Donkey
- ANYTHING BY BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN
- “Deck the Halls”. NOT A SONG. Only one hall, btw.
- The horrible cover of “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” featuring Dolly Parton and Rod Stewart. What drunk record label thought THAT was a good idea?
Alright, what did I forget?
