I am just in an overall twitchy mood today.  Sorry.  Y’all are gonna get it full-force. 

1. I AM SICK.  I don’t have a fever, so no doctor in the world is going to give me anything, but I’ve been crazy congested and had a hacking cough for two weeks now.  I’m exhausted and I’m tired and I DIDN’T EVEN NOTICE THAT WAS THE SAME THING BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT? I’M SICK AND TIRED.  I’m not mad at anyone about that, but SWEET JEEBUS, it’s got to subside sometime soon.

2. I HAVE ANOTHER POST COMING ABOUT NUMBER TWO, SO JUST WAIT.  No, not “the number two”, also known as “going to get bagels”, but the item that would’ve been number two on this list. 

3. DON’T ASK FOR TOLERANCE WHEN YOU DON’T GIVE IT YOURSELF.  Don’t be all like, “Oh, don’t judge me for my choices, because I’m allowed to make that choice,” when you in turn SKEWER anyone who doesn’t think the same way!  SERIOUSLY.  And when you’re called on the carpet about something you DID?  Dude, YOU DID IT.  Life is full of consequences.  You’re lucky if all the karma that comes back to you is that someone confronts you on your idiocy.

4. HEY, UM, MIRENA?  BITE ME.  Seriously, dude?  What the hell?  Having a Mirena IUD is like asking someone to be your date to a party, but then they give you a soft RSVP so you don’t invite anyone in their place, and then they show up ANYWAY, eat all of your food, and then cower in a corner and cry because no one likes them.  YES, IT’S LIKE THAT.

5. GYM HOGS, DON’T JUST SIT ON THE MACHINERY.  Yes, I’ve been hanging around that bicep press machine because I’d actually like to use it within the next hour, not because you smell so testosteroney or because your amazing animal magnetism can’t be contained by your handmade sleeveless Winger tee.  You’re not even pressing anymore; you’re staring and drooling.  Go take your ‘roid rage on some other piece of metal.

6. MCDONALDS, SAVE YOURSELF THE MONEY AND HIRE MONKEYS, THEY’RE CHEAPER.  I had a coupon for a free McCafe thanks to the lovely Live Well, Spend Well website, which I was STOKED about.  I went by yesterday morning and ordered an Iced Mocha, to which they replied that their “McCafe machine is down”, would I like a coffee instead?  I kindly suggested that, you know, a coffee with ice and milk in it is BASICALLY all an Iced Mocha contains.  They said, “THE MCCAFE MACHINE IS DOWN.”  WTF, lady who feels all empowered with a headset?  So this morning, I tried again.  Success!  The machine must’ve been up, because my order of an iced mocha with nonfat milk was happily received.  But the coupon?  She literally stood and stared at that coupon as if Ronald McDonald himself was going to come over and punch in the code.  “Do.. do I owe you something on top of the coupon?” I asked, trying to at least give her an out.  She just kept shaking her head, and finally just said something about voiding the sale.  The next window handed me a drink piled high with whipped cream and I said, “OH, no, mine’s a nonfat mocha.”  The lady confirmed that yes, so was this one.  “But.. why would I request a nonfat drink so that you could load it up with whipped cream, chocolate syrup, and sprinkles?”  She just looked at me blankly and said, Well.. it comes with whipped cream.  OH.

7. WHY DOES MY VENDING MACHINE AT WORK HAVE AN ENTIRE ROW OF ANDY CAPP’S HOT FRIES?!  This is not a frat house.

8. KATHY BATES PLAYED THE QUEEN OF MOTHER EFFIN HEARTS IN SYFY’S “ALICE”, BUT THEY ONLY LET HER WEAR A MU-MU.  Is that even how you spell mu-mu?  WordPress doesn’t know.  Why was she the queen of decadence, of self-indulgence, of flash and ostentatiousness, but they put her in a freaking satin potato sack with a home-ec design of a Queen of Hearts card on the side?  Poor lady deserved better.

9. DANIEL CRAIG IS GAY.  I think the entire female race should take a moment of silence.

10. PEOPLE JUST HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO DEAL.  Just yesterday, a blogger lost her two-year old son to a drowning incident.  Two years old.  He was a baby.  He was as old as MY baby.  I cannot fathom a loss such as that.  I cannot conceive of being without.  I just .. cannot.  And while the initial outpouring of love was what one would expect in the event of such a tragedy, today the trolls are attacking with vile ferocity, accusing her of making up the entire thing or even worse.  It is times like these when I question being part of such a community, where in times of great, great sorrow, you are still subject to these hoardes.  It is enough to make me want to close in on myself, on my family, and protect them with a bubble that will keep the evil of the world out, forever.

(insert joke about homeschooling here)

(I KEEED.)

On a somberly serious note, please send your love to Shellie at MomDot.