Remember when I twittered the other day that I wanted free shit to review on my blog?
Well, NO ONE FREAKIN’ RESPONDED WITH ANY FREE SHIT.
So, anyway, I was assing off with Ronda in Target and I saw that they were carrying SmoothAway in the “As Seen on TV” section. You may remember that I was all about trying the SmoothAway in my last “shit I’ve bought” post, so I threw a package into my cart. Ronda reasoned that if it didn’t work, I could just bring it back. At the very least, I countered, I’d have something to blog about.
Um, so I tried it today.
The first thing I thought was weird (and also why I hadn’t tried it before today) was that your hair must not be longer than 1/4″. Which, is to say, about four hours after I’ve shaved. This morning, there was the threat of swimming mentioned, and I was all like, “OH NO, WHAT WITH THE SHAVING OF MANY PARTS” and no one cared. So I thought it would be an ideal time to go and disappear with my soon-to-be BFF, SmoothAway.
I applied the magical black pad to the pink hand held thingie, and was immediately impressed that the adhesive was manufactured by 3M. So, you know, at least THAT part was high quality.
Oddly enough, and suprising to many of my readers I’M SURE, that was the last time I was impressed in this experience.
I started off with my calf, which is not only the most often shaved hair on my leg but is also the most irritating to me. Being italian, my hair grows in different WAYS too, so shaving is always like navigating some topographical map, with the added bonus of blood and nicks. HOORAY. So I began on the top of my calf, using the 3x clockwise motion, followed immediately by the 3x counter-clockwise motion.
Then I looked at my results.
Hm. And while I looked, I noticed.. a .. smell.
Well, the results were less than stellar. While the hair might have been visibly gone (and for the most part, it was), my leg felt majorly stubbly, as if I hadn’t shaved as long but I had blonde, invisible hair. Like, imagine that your leg hair was, I dunno, fishing line or something. That’s what it felt like.
And that smell. The familiarility of that smell was driving me nuts. And then I remembered.
It’s the smell of BURNING HAIR.
When I was in high school, we were bored in one of our vocal classes, and someone (a smoker) said, “Hey, look what I can do with this lighter!”
This is always how the stories on Rescue 911 started, I know, but it was also commonplace among many southern high schools, and I’m sure it was even this kid’s senior quote.
Anyway, someone had showed him this trick where you release the .. flammable gas.. (propane? butane? methane?) into your mouth and then you light your lighter and exhale and WOW, a huge fireball exits your lips and all the girls want to dry hump you. EXCEPT? Well, except this kid was a fucktard and just sat there with a burning lighter under his nose before he exhaled, causing not only his nosehairs to be set ablaze, but when he screamed holy hell for mercy, THEN the fireball left, but to say he was not quite prepared for that was an understatement and instead he looked like one of those Dairy Queen commercials where people shoot fire uncontrollably from their mouths. And while he went and craned his neck to an angle that would allow him to get cold water from the fountain up his nose, we all cried until we laughed because WOW, what a southern dumbass.
I said all of that to say this: all SmoothAway was really good for was reminding me of that time that Andy burned his nosehairs in vocal lab. My legs are ashy and perhaps free of visible hair, but I wouldn’t let someone who’s not married to me touch them for the stubble and Lord knows I’m gonna smell all day like the inside of Andy’s nose.
Next time, I hope to review Wen’s Hair Care system, which proclaims that it will revolutionize your hair with just ONE product and without you ever shampooing ever again. Wen, if you are a singular person and you are reading this, I will gladly accept a free donation of your product. I promise that, whatever the outcome, I will not compare your product to the scent of a byproduct from charred human body parts.