To whom it may concern in the server establishment:

Hi, let me introduce myself.  My  name is Sarah, and I myself was a server for MAAAAANY years before delving into the cube jockey world, so let me say this: I know your plight.  I truly do.

When I was waiting tables, we had a name for a family like mine: Cracker Stompers.  Yes, if you have a small child and you’re reading this, we were talking about YOU too.  Because, on the whole, families who bring in small children are a headache to handle.  Believe me, I know this.  I could not even begin to regale some of the horrors of children I’ve seen.. but just for fun, let me try.

• I once had a family bring in six kids, all under the age of 10.  They sat the children at a booth across the restaurant from them, and the children ran WILD.  The two moms ate a leisurely lunch at their own table, and at the end?  Only tipped $2.  Period.  For both tables.
• I saw mothers routinely order water for their kids, and then use free refills on their own drinks to pour into their child’s cup.  Which, you know, whatever, but it means I run twice as many refills to your table.  Again, minimal tip (if any) left.
• I had a child once yell at me when I didn’t respond after he snapped his fingers at me.  The mother, without missing a beat, said, “Well, you didn’t answer the first time.” (To his snapping.)
• Just last night, we sat across from a table with two adults and one two year old between them.  The two year old turned over the sweetner caddy, tore open every single packet, and then tossed the mess around.  While her parents ignored her.

So look, I get it.  I know that if your rotation comes up and you have the choice between a table of middle-aged couples or a table that seats a family of five, you pick the childless couples.  I GET IT.

But here’s what I need you to understand.

We rarely go out to eat.  Maybe once a week, if we’re lucky.  Maybe.  And when we do, I take TONS of precautions to make your job as easy as possible: I bring disposable placemats for my child to eat on, I provide my own snacks/crackers/etc for him, he drinks his own juice, and we provide toys and games to keep him occupied.  When we sit down, we order our entire meal along with our drinks, because we know we’re on a short timeline.  And before we leave, we bus our entire table so that you don’t have to touch little half-gummed bits of oyster crackers.  And we tip generously.  BECAUSE I GET IT.

So when we sit there for longer than 15 minutes for food, I start to get antsy.  His attention span is maybe a good 30 minutes, so longer than 20 minutes wait for food means one of us will be holding a child while the other one eats.  But the last FOUR TIMES WE’VE GONE OUT, the wait for food has been as long as 45 minutes.  I know I get restless and irritated after that long.. imagine an 11 month old tied to a high chair?

Last night really just sent me over the edge.  Our baby contentedly danced in his seat, munching on crackers and flirting with nearby tables, as we sat.  And waited.  And waited.  And sat.  And not once did the server even come over to acknowledge that our wait for food was going on 40 minutes.  Finally, close to an hour, she informed us that my dinner had burned, and they were having to recook it.  Luckily, fate was on your side, and the baby remained calm and happy for the duration of our stay.

BUT OH THE FURY IF HE HADN’T.

So here’s what I ask, and what I’ll gladly do in return: please do what you can to expedite our meal.  We’ve taken measures to ensure a quick and easy tip for you, so lend us a hand and see that we get back out the door in a timely fashion.

Because I’m fixing to stop being nice.  AND OH LAWDY YOU DON’T WANT NUNNA THAT.

Smooches,

Sarah Lena