Alternately titled: Why Sarah is a Dumbass, pt. 946

So in anticipation of a get-together/party/occassion last night, I decided to do some home-makery stuff.  You know, in my copious spare time.  So I threw together some snickerdoodles (SHUT UP, JENNI) and decided I was going to tackle something I’d been lusting over for months, but hadn’t really had the time or reason to try: Pioneer Woman’s bacon-wrapped jalapeno thingies.

(Let me just take a minute here to proclaim how much I truly love Pioneer Woman.  I’ve tried several of her recipes.. yes, MOI, who does not cook.. and they’ve always turned out well.  She is brilliant about documenting every step by photograph, so you have every indication of where you are in the process.  Dump cake?  Her recipe.  Penne shrimp pasta with white wine cream sauce?  Her recipe.  Check her out and bookmark her; you won’t be disappointed.)

Anyway, so I’ve never really worked with live jalapenos before.  Because, well, I like spicy things, but I like spicy things that are already made.  Me, make them?  Insanity!  Until I saw a recipe that included spicy, bacon, and cream cheese.  Okay, I’ll give in to those.

I must’ve missed some crucial “girl” training where they teach you SAFETY WITH JALAPENOS because, seriously?  My fingertips.. all of them.. are still on fire.  Painfully so.  Which means my eyes are.  And my nostrils.  And anything else my fingertips may have come into contact with.  WHAT DID I DO WRONG?  And how can I STOP THE BURNING?

So, they ended up being a little spicier than I planned.  Which means I didn’t want to serve them, since I couldn’t say they were “mild”.  Which means, obviously, that I had to devour all fifteen of them myself. (Oh, the sacrifices I make.)

Hey, so guess what?  Guess what happens when you eat seven or eight whole jalapenos? 

THAT’S RIGHT.  YOUR SHIT BURNS, TOO.

The good news (and it’s small) is that I think I have cleaned out my entire digestive track.  The bad news (and it’s massive) is that I smell peppers seeping out of my pores, my fingers are burning all the time, and I’m scared to go to the bathroom.

Stay tuned for Why Sarah’s a Dumbass, pt. 947.