First of all, let me say: I love my husband.  VERY much.  He and I make a great team. 

I also have given freedom to blog about whatever he likes on his site. Including me peeing on myself (and all over the kitchen).

So I have to tell you one thing: I’m not getting a lot of sleep.

In one ear, I have the monitor. I’ve already talked about how Tony is SO incredibly noisy when he sleeps; he’s grunting or moaning or laughing or sighing or something that makes it sound like he’s awake and I’ll have to leave the bed momentarily. (Sometimes these noises go on for hours.) I can’t sleep well when I think I have to get up in a minute. Who can?

In my other ear, the man who can sleep when he thinks he has to get up in a minute. And he’s LOUD. Bryan has sleep apnea, so I know it’s nothing he does on purpose. But he’s also a big time snuggler, so he likes to get up REALCLOSE and then go to town. OhmyJesus, it gets noisy in our little bedroom.

So I’ve been incorporating little tricks to get Bryan to quiet down. He doesn’t know about them, so don’t tell him. Basically, I’ve been dog-whispering my husband while he sleeps.

If you watch the Dog Whisperer, he believes that you don’t need to actually give a command (i.e. “Sit” or “Roll the hell over”), but you should be able to do everything by touch and intensity.

FIRST, you need to establish dominance. I do this by being alive. And awake. I find it’s much harder for him to defend himself when he’s asleep.

SECONDLY, you need to get him in a calm/submissive state. Again, the sleeping usually works for this, but sometimes, I’ll rub on him a little bit to get him nice and relaxed.

THEN, IF THE SNORING HASN’T STOPPED, I pluck out a handful of chest hair.

LASTLY, I quickly pretend to be asleep when he wakes up in extreme pain.

It doesn’t really stop the snoring, but MAN, do I feel better.