Archive | August 14, 2007

Sticker Shock

By on August 14, 2007 in The Unexplainable

So my Daddy is turning 60 in a few days. This is a big birthday for him, mainly because it brings him closer to retirement. I had planned to do one of those outrageously tacky and embarrassing yard displays (we would set it up outside of work, though) that announced his big milestone.

We have two or three companies that do it around town, and admittedly, I’ve never priced them.

Do you realize that it costs $90 for them to set up fifteen plastic animals and a sign? Almost a hundred dollars!! I could buy several really nice presents for the cost of that!!

On the upshot, I have totally found a new career.

(If you have ideas on CHEAPER ways to embarrass my father at work .. sadly, I can’t have singing telegrams delivered because we work in a secure facility .. PUHLEEZE let me know!)

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The Last Trimester

By on August 14, 2007 in The Mommy

Well, folks, I made it.  I am now in my last trimester of pregnancy. (Possibly ever.) And to welcome me in to this glorious portion of growing insanely fast, losing any concept of balance, and the inability to control my bladder is this mind-numbing heat.  Ass sweat?  Ah, only the beginning, my friends. 

If you’re not with us here in the south, let me spell it out for you.  Our average high temperature at this time of year is around 89-90 degrees.  For the last five days, we’ve set records with triple digit temperatures.  And I’m not talking 100.  I’m talking 104-105.  You know, the kind of temperatures that, were it on a thermometer, would get you hospitalized.  It’s THAT hot.

To compensate, I’ve been drinking about a gallon of water a day.  I finally gave up the bottled water fight and just bought a Brita pitcher to keep in my communal fridge.  It’s done wonders; I haven’t visited a vending machine once in two weeks for a soda.  My pee is almost clear.

(That’s unnecessary information, and I understand that, but it does have its benefits.  For instance, if you drink enough water and your pee goes clear, it makes for GREAT pranks, like replacing someone’s bottled water with urine.  I’m not saying I did that, but I’m saying I might have done that during a very tumultuous Christmas Carol.)

My child is a Power Ranger.  He is constantly battling some Jap-anime robot within my uterus.  I hope he wins.  In my head, for whatever reason, he is the green ranger.  He is active most often in meetings, at which point I’ll randomly stand and stretch.  This freaks everyone in the room out, especially if I grab my belly.  I enjoy this.

It also tickles me when Bryan will lay his head on my tummy and talk to Tony.  At first, Tony will calm down.  It will get very silent in my tummy.  And then, like the sneaky-ass ninja he is, Tony will kick Bryan square in the jaw.  Tell me that’s not awesome!

I have (unfortunately) outgrown the majority of my maternity clothes.  The plus-side of this is that the fall wardrobes are coming out, so I can buy my favorite clothes.. SWEATERS, PANTS, BOOTS, AND LAYERING TOPS.  I’m so excited I can barely stand it.

I’ve started having crazy pregnancy dreams.  The most common one is that I have twins.  Don’t worry; I just sell the other one.  Everyone wins that way!

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