To Catch a Predator last night wasn’t as amazing as last week’s episode, but it was still full of moments that had us hysterical.

The winner was, by far, a 37 year-old man who had driven two hours to visit (what he thought was) a 14 year old girl.  And Chris Hansen, the host with the most, asked him, “What’s that in your back pocket?”  Usually, he does this for his own safety, to make sure the perp isn’t armed.

But no, this downright classy man had brought a giant, not-even-brand-name tube of lubricant.  It was like XY Jelly or some nonsense.  And did I mention HUGE?

Chris asked, “Why do you do this?”

The man said, “I have no money.”

So, you know, screwing a 14 year old is much cheaper than buying a grown woman dinner.  But, as Bryan pointed out, older women can self-lubricate, so he could’ve saved some money there.

And as the perp was getting ready to leave, Chris Hansen had to say, “You should, um, take .. your jelly with you.”

I didn’t know who I was embarrassed for there.  That guy, who had to take the walk of shame BACK to the scene of the crime and pick up this tube of lube.. or Chris Hansen, who is trying to save the world from evil doers, but still had to say, “You should take your jelly with you.”

To my sister, who SHOULD KNOW THIS ALREADY:

Wade Robson is a choreographer whom I came to adore back in the early 2000s when he choreographed the amazingly sultry Britney Spears video, “Slave 4 U”, which was so incredibly HOTT.  Further research revealed that he was also the lead choreographer for ‘NSync, during their No Strings Attached tour.  In fact, in the video “Bye Bye Bye”, Chris Kirpatrick got ill and Wade filled in for him.  If you watch the video with a keen and stalkerish eye, you can see him.

Wade also produced a line of “learn to dance like the stars” videos, which I always wanted to buy but was too embarrassed to have the postman deliver to me.

He is currently a lead choreographer and occasional judge on Fox’s So You Think You Can Dance.  He did that amazing hummingbird piece I linked back a few weeks ago.

Now that you know him ALMOST as well as I do, let me state that I love my husband.  LOVE HIM.  Adore him.  Cherish him.  I made sure he knew that last night.

We were all sitting at the house, with the boys up to their elbows in Floam (I couldn’t play because of swollen ankles), and Bryan says, “We need to go by the Merrimack after dinner tonight so I can adjust some lights.”

So we step in this VERY awesome new blackbox-like theatre (it’s gorgeous.. I’m in love), and there. he. is.  Wade Robson, in the flesh.  He was wrapping up a choreography workshop and making nice with some of the girls.  His wife sat, willowy and beautiful, in the audience.

I walked over to the owner’s wife and began chitchatting casually, and she introduced me to her daughter before walking away to tend to the amazingly quiet and subdued Wade.  I finally leaned over to the daughter and said, “OHMYGOD, DID YOU TAKE HIS WORKSHOP BECAUSE I AM A HUGE FAN AND IT’S ALL THE RESTRAINT I HAVE TO NOT BUM RUSH HIM RIGHT NOW AND DRY HUMP HIM.”

She echoed my excitement.  With eyes that were half-scared, and half-understanding.

After corraling The Boy (who did not care that such a talented man was in the room.. because he wasn’t on American Idol), I heard my name called.  Wade lept off the stage and offered his hand.  He shook my hand. 

I would love to say here that my years in radio have cooled my jets around celebrities and I can handle myself with finesse around famous people.  It would be a lie.

I struggled to make small talk, trying not to sigh when he rubbed my arms and told me I looked beautiful, despite the demon dancer I carry within me.  He was so quiet, so sweet.. he was, by far, the most genteel celeb I’ve ever met.

The Boy and I continued to chase after eachother (he adores the many steps and levels of the new theatre, especially when they allow him to make everyone gasp when he leaps off of them), while Bryan worked in the booth.  As we were leaving, the owner asked Bryan if we wanted our picture with Wade. 

YOU THINK?!

So we got up on stage, and I made sure to keep my distance from Wade, on the off chance that he would find me so incredibly attractive that our animal magentism would take over and we’d just go at it onstage.  I thought I could make him more comfortable by keeping a few inches between us. (Uh huh.) But then he PULLED ME INTO HIM.

And he smelled like heaven.  I never knew what heaven smelled like, but it is subtitled Wade Robson after a Choreography Workshop.

A few shots later, with me trying not to tremble, we said goodbye.  I don’t know how we get those pics.  BRYAN, HOW DO WE GET THOSE PICTURES?!  But I grinned for the rest of the evening.  It was amazing.. not even so much that I saw him, touched him, smelled him.. but that he was so incredibly awesome.

Coming later?  A recap of To Catch a Predator (and the line I hope I never have to use in life), and hopefully some pics of Wade Robson and Sarah Brown.