There are words that you don’t know until you’re pregnant.  Because I’ve sworn to be waaaay too informative about pregnancy and all the joys, I will give you a glimpse inside this secret, and often unappetizing, world.

snail trail - n. I can’t even take credit for this one; it’s from Jenny McCarthy’s Belly Laughs.  Pregnancy means you produce more of EVERYTHING, including vaginal secretions.  The snail trail appears in your panties.

urpy - adj. when you are on the verge of vomiting, but saying the actual word “vomit” might actually induce the puking, urpy may describe what you’re feeling.

swussy - n. from the english words “sweaty” and “pussy”, the swussy is what you get when you walk to your office from your car in midday heat.

What am I forgetting?

Anyone who says that babies don’t speak in the womb should listen to my stomach.  That, and my baby speaks whale pretty fluently.

I have decided to treat myself to mani/pedis this weekend.  I had given up my twice-monthly trips to the nail salon (my fake nails grossed me out after Pinocchio.. I know it doesn’t make sense), but my feet hurt and are swollen and need some TLC from a woman brandishing a pumice who can’t speak english.

I AM MEETING WADE ROBSON THIS WEEKEND.

I really do love my prenatal yoga DVD, because it really is good for me, but I hate the shit she says.  Like, “Yoga is much like motherhood in that you must be aware of your body at all times.”  WTF?!  And, “Remember to keep your breathing fluid, like water, within the pose.”  I have to pee 24/7.  Can we not discuss water while I’m trying to hold downward facing dog?

I think we may have a name.  But I’m keeping it close to the chest while we decide.. UNLIKE MY HUSBAND, who has whored out our poor child’s potential name to anyone who will listen.  How often does that happen?  I keep a secret, while he broadcasts?

I found out that a former coworker of mine took his own life recently.  There is just not a more unlikely candidate for suicide than this guy was.  It totally threw me for a loop, and I think about him daily.

I have a penis inside of me all the time.  Think about THAT one for a little while.

I should be able to put “fried pickles” on my baby registry.