Bryan wrote about the “what ifs” in his post from yesterday, and rightly so, because I’ve been annoying the snot out of him with those questions on a nightly basis.

What started it, I confessed to Ra today, is that we were flipping through channels about a month ago and stopped on some special about “a girl without a face”.  She was, quite literally, born without a face.

Now, I googled it a few days ago, because she has been haunting my dreams ever since.  You, too, can Google it, but I won’t link to it here because.. because. 

The irrational part of my fear is that this is going to happen to my baby.  I have decided to get a 4D ultrasound for no other reason than to assure myself that my child does, indeed, have a face.  At which point Bryan can say “I TOLD YOU SO” a bazillion times and I will nod and smile happily.

The more rational part of my fear is rooted in self-doubt.  I don’t know that I could conceivably love a child like that.  Let me rephrase: I have no doubt that if my child was born with some defect (God forbid), I would love my child regardless.  But I don’t know how to send that child into the world.  The world is a cruel, awful place and I don’t know that I could send my child into it.

I look around at all of the healthy, happy, beautiful babies that I’ve seen born in the last year or two, and I think, “See?  It all turns out alright.”  Then I hear a statistic like 1 out of every 10.. and I start counting.  Crap.  I’m 10.

Since it’s an irrational fear, I apply irrational logic to it.  For instance, I think good karma makes the baby healthier.  And as HARD AS IT’S BEEN, I’ve kept to that.  I also think the baby likes being outside, cause it’s going to be a hippie like its mother.  So I’m outside a lot.  I also think that how I treat the dogs affects the baby.  I DON’T KNOW WHY.

I know that none of this makes sense, but I felt the need to be honest about my stupid and irrational fears.  Yes, I could be worrying about someone stealing my baby at the hospital (thanks for that one, D!), but I prefer to take the fear less traveled.

Dateline’s To Catch a Predator was on last night.  You know we were there.  Yes, we missed Top Chef to watch it. (We’ll catch TC some other time this week.)

Some highlights:

• They were on the beach this time.  Bryan guessed that they did this because they could bodyslam people with unnecessary force and not face as many charges this way.
• They had brownies waiting this time, instead of the chocolate chip cookies.  We knew that we may have a slight addiction to the show when we noticed this.. and a “predator” said, “I walked in, saw the brownies, and KNEW something was up,” and even Chris Hansen said, “Well, we usually have chocolate chip cookies.” (The kicker?  The brownies were DAYS old.  One perp hurt his tooth on them.)
• One online predator said he would bring the decoy her favorite pizza, supreme with pineapple.  When he realized he was in a set-up, he told Chris Hansen, “Sir, if you let me go, you can keep the pizza.”  Well, sold.  Walk on, sir.. walk on.
• The decoy actually spent much more time face-to-face with the scumbags in this episode, which was brave of her and creepy for the rest of us.  One guy felt the need to discuss with her — AT LENGTH — what he wanted to do.  If a guy.. ANY guy.. talked to me that way, I’d so leave.  Unless he brought a pizza with pineapple, of course.
• One guy asked Chris Hansen to drive him home.
• Another guy was convinced that his good friend Kevin (who didn’t have a last name that he could recall and he’d only known a day) set him up.  Of course, he strolled in the house with a digital camera and told the decoy, “Let’s go upstairs now.”  Kevin REALLY did a number on him, huh?

Although we always find this show entertaining in a “it’ll never happen to anyone we know” kind of way, a dinner discussion with close friends a few weeks back shattered that perception.  Her son had been approached in a chat room, repeatedly.  And it had apparently done a number on him.  That made us watch the show with a far more skeptical eye.

Bryan said they should do it in the town where we live.  I told him I couldn’t handle knowing who, around here, was preying on children. 

Although, I conceded, I would totally play the decoy.  If there were pizza with pineapple.