Y’all know that when I find something worth sharing, I hoard it to myself for about a week or two.  It’s so you all can see me with this magical new thing, you can envy me, and then finally I will give you the tools to make your own magic.

EVERYONE, I NEED YOUR ATTENTION.  I AM BYPASSING MY MAGIC WEEK TO PASS THIS ON TO YOU.

If you are using Jergen’s Natural Glow lotion, stop.  Don’t use another drop.  It smells like hot ass, and you know it.  You know that you put it on, and then try and cover it up with layers of other perfumes, or you only put it on at night and then shower in the morning.. I know this because I was one of you.  And honestly, I never really got the results of, say, a real tan.

One of my makeup ladies and I were talking about how amazing Dove’s products are, and since that conversation, I’ve made an effort to keep abreast of new launches.  I do this by getting them to send me free samples.  They send AMAZING samples.  So far, I’ve been converted to their deoderant (the radiant silk is my FAVE), and their cream oil bodywash (truly, nothing else makes my skin this amazing).

I have a new one to share with you.  Dove’s Energy Glow (blah blah blah.. it has a crazy long name) is FABULOUS.  I picked it up this weekend on a whim, and the smell is out of this world.  Not, like, I wanna lick myself good or anything.. but definitely worlds above Jergen’s smell of death in a tanning bed.

Not only that, but I bought the “for fair skintones” against my better judgement, because the fair Jergens lotion never did ANYTHING for my color.  But they were out of medium skin tones, so I took the plunge into subtlety.  My color is NOTICEABLY darker after one application.  Am I, say, Anna Nicole tan right now?  No.  But I am a shade darker than translucent, so we’re moving in the right direction.

So there you go.  Next time you’re buying body lotion.. or hell, make a special trip to go buy body lotion!.. pick up some Dove’s Energy Glow.  You’ll thank me when people start asking which Sandollar you’ve been going to.

In a nutshell:

• I’m fatter than I was in the last update.
• I’m still as gassy.
• They promised my energy would SURGE in the second trimester.  They are LIARS.
• My “restless leg syndrome” (air quotes are mocking the name, because Lord forbid it ACTUALLY be limited to just my legs) keeps me up at night and causes me to have to stand during movies.
• There is no cure or treatment for said “leg” syndrome, either.
• They say my appetite should increase now.  It hasn’t.  If anything, I have more stomach issues now than I did in my first trimester.
• Every woman with ovaries feels the need to weigh in on the “c-section or vaginal” discussion.
• I am quite a bit bitchier towards the general public now.

Now, on the happier side of life:

• I am almost halfway through the pregnancy.
• In two weeks, we learn the gender.
• In Home Depot on Saturday night, as I waddled through the blinds (we had just eaten and Lil Peep was fighting with the food), a little girl told her momma, “Look!  She’s gonna have a baby!” and then followed me around with wide eyes.  That was kind of cool.  I imagine it’s how Angelina Jolie feels.. if she ate three people and then looked like me.
• Pregnancy sex.. AWESOME.

There ya go.  What to Expect When You’re Expecting and You’re a Bitch.

I really have little of interest to speak on today (at this very moment), so instead, I’m going to review the 3 movies we saw this weekend.  THAT’S RIGHT, Sarah and Bryan watched 3 whole movies.  IN A WEEKEND.  It was insanity, people!

Saturday night, we watched Reno, 911!: Miami.  Had I not been recently satiated by a serving of Beauregard’s fried pickles (my most current and STRONG craving thus far), I would’ve torn up Five Points after this movie wrapped up.  Basically, this movie is why I don’t watch movies.  It sucked up an hour and a half of my life for, like, two chuckles.  I love the tv series, but it just reiterated why sketch comedy should NEVER be stretched longer than 30 minutes.

Sunday brought some serious thunderstorms (HOORAY!), so instead of working in the yard like we had planned, we cuddled up with sandwiches and frozen pizza around two movies. 

The first was Breach, a movie I have been dying to see.  I work in a classified government program, so this movie was REALLY interesting to me.  But it was also cleverly written and very well-acted, so it enthralled Bryan, too.  Most terrifying?  It is a totally true story.

Our second flick was Pan’s Labyrinth.  Although Bryan was a little daunted at first (”I have to READ this?”), this movie soon had both of us sucked in.  The special effects were ASTOUNDING, and the violence was graphic.  All of a sudden I understood why, when discussing this movie and I admitted I thought it was a kids’ movie, my parents looked at me with such shock and disgust that I might as well have said, “We not only made The Boy watch it, but then we bought him hookers and crack afterward.”  The movie was scary in so many ways, and we enjoyed every single second of it.

(Although we did want to strangle that little girl several times.  WHY DO YOU HESITATE SO OFTEN?  THAT’S HOW FAIRIES DIE.)

And it had the CREEPIEST bad guy I’ve seen .. maybe ever.  Rivaled only by the dying Skexie in The Dark Crystal.

So that was our weekend.  And this is a short work week.

What’s going on around town for the 4th?