I’m about to give you a big one for the “Sarah is such a HORRIBLE person” category.  I know you’re excited.

Here’s the lowdown: I’m not excited about my pregnancy.

Don’t misunderstand.  I am very much looking forward to being a mother.  I can’t wait to do nursery stuff.  But am I excited?  About being bloated, constipated, gaining weight, and not sleeping?  No, quite frankly, I’m not.

And I know that comes across as callous.  Which is why when people gush and beam and ask me questions, I will put on some fake-happy-grin and say, “Yes, we’re very excited!”

That’s half true.  Bryan is excited.

Does this make me horrible?

I don’t FEEL any different.  I mean, I feel ill from time to time, and I hate how my weight fluctuates with the frequency of my bowel movements, and it’s weird to only crave healthy food.. but I don’t feel PREGNANT.  At all.  I just feel.. you know, like Sarah.

And I feel like I disappoint all of the people who want stories of flutters and how I lie awake and dream about our baby.  Because I don’t get flutters and I don’t have those dreams.  Last night, in fact, I dreamt that I couldn’t get on to a classified system that I desperately needed something from.  THOSE are my dreams.  No baby.  None.

I worry that this means I’ll be a horrible mother.  But I only worry about that for a second, because.. DUR.  I felt this same way about my wedding, leading up to it.  People kept saying, “Aren’t you excited?”  Well, we were already living together (albeit, in sin), so there wasn’t that much change coming my way.  We were good before, we are good now.  I feel the same way about the baby. (Although, yes, I know there is a MAJOR change coming my way.)

Even seeing the ultrasound, LIVE, didn’t help.  I was fascinated by it, in a way that you might be fascinated by watching a live surgery, but surely that heartbeat is not in MY belly.

And this all brings on stupid guilt and even stupider fears.  Am I going to miscarry if I just don’t care enough?  I’m eating right, sleeping plenty, and taking my vitamins.  If I just don’t dote over it every single minute, will God deem me unworthy?

Teddie eased my mind at Book Club.  She said she felt that way through the WHOLE pregnancy (and she has a fabulous daughter).  She said even when they brought her the baby, she held the baby and thought briefly, “Look!  Someone had a beautiful baby!” before it sank in that it was HER baby.

So there’s my deep, dark secret.  Stupid shit that you worry about when you’re trying to sustain a life that you can’t feel.

Today was a good day.

After the long night, I thought I would be dragging today, but a large Hi-C is keeping me strong.  I got a call around 10:45 that I had a delivery at the Visitor’s Center.

I stopped there on my way to let Mom’s dogs out at lunch, and lo and behold.. there is a pretty arrangement of daisies waiting for me. 

It’s Administrative Professionals Day.

In my three years with this company (and the two as a temp before it), I have never, ever been recognized on Admin Pro Day.  I have often coordinated other people’s gifts and cards and lunches, but this is the first time someone has thanked ME.

This year caught me especially off-guard because my new job code doesn’t necessarily scream “Administrative Professional”.  But the team said I’m their “gal Friday”.  They can’t get by without me.

I know I’m a bit hormonal right now, but that meant a lot to me.

I’m sure everyone has heard the expression “When it rains, it pours.”  This is especially true in plumbing.

As a preplanned favor, I went to pick my parents’ dogs up from the vet yesterday afternoon.  They were crazy, as always, but very excited to not be in a kennel.  Mom and Dad were due in from Santa Barbara later that evening, so when I dropped the dogs off, I didn’t stay long enough to notice that weird sound.

I got a message from Dad around six, letting me know that the tornados in Dallas had diverted their flight to San Antonio.  They had been taxiing on the plane for two hours by this point, but he was sure they’d be taking off any minute.

After I went grocery shopping (buying completely odd mixtures of items: pickles and ice cream, olives and Milky Ways, yogurt and sardines) and unpacked everything, Daddy called again.  It was eight o’clock or so by this point.  He said that there were no flights in or out of San Antonio or Dallas, and they were being lodged in a high school gym.  He said it would be a day or two till they would get out.

So I kissed my husband goodbye and headed to Madison.

When I got there, I heard a strange hissing sound, but didn’t think much about it.  It’s an older house, with old appliances, and weird noises abound.  But when I went to the coat closet to grab a Swiffer (yes, I clean other people’s houses), I realized that the carpet was SOAKED.  Through.  And I thought it was odd, because no other place in the house was wet.

So I called Daddy (because they didn’t have enough to worry about) and he said the water heater had probably burst.  I needed to call a plumber and have them shut the water off.

Bryan arrived about forty-five minutes later, and by this time I was soaked to my knees and bleeding from one knuckle trying to get the access panel off of the water heater.  He quickly did what had taken me half an hour, and turned off the water.

The hissing remained.  DAMNIT.

So the hunt began.  There was another water heater in the house, that much I knew, but where was a mystery.  Bryan climbed up in both of the attics, found some mysterious “access panel” in the back of a shower, and finally called down to me, “I found it!  I got the water off!”

The hissing remained. (I had called the plumber while Bryan was all Nancy Drew and the Case of the Missing Water Heater.)

Bryan came and sat down next to me, defeated.  I almost suggested we just turn in, since we had both packed to stay the night.  Then the plumber called back and said that if both of the water heaters were off, it must be a main line that burst.  We need to do a main shut-off. 

This plumber was obviously not really keen on making housecalls at 11 at night.  He decided to talk me through it.

I made it Bryan’s task when the plumber said, “Now, be sure and take a flashlight with you.  I have yet to open one of these and NOT see a black widow or two in there, but shining your flashlight will blind them.  They’re not even worth killing.”

So I said, “Bryan, lemme get you some gloves and I’ll hold the flashlight.”  DON’T JUDGE ME; I AM CARRYING A BABY.

After pleading with God and RotoRooter, we finally got the main valve shut-off.  And the silence of the absent hissing rang in our ears.  But we now had no water to this house, and made the thirty minute trek back home.

I loveLOVElove my husband.  He saved me last night.