I don’t know the right answer in this situation.  I do, however, feel badly for everyone involved.

I’m about to give you a big one for the “Sarah is such a HORRIBLE person” category.  I know you’re excited.

Here’s the lowdown: I’m not excited about my pregnancy.

Don’t misunderstand.  I am very much looking forward to being a mother.  I can’t wait to do nursery stuff.  But am I excited?  About being bloated, constipated, gaining weight, and not sleeping?  No, quite frankly, I’m not.

And I know that comes across as callous.  Which is why when people gush and beam and ask me questions, I will put on some fake-happy-grin and say, “Yes, we’re very excited!”

That’s half true.  Bryan is excited.

Does this make me horrible?

I don’t FEEL any different.  I mean, I feel ill from time to time, and I hate how my weight fluctuates with the frequency of my bowel movements, and it’s weird to only crave healthy food.. but I don’t feel PREGNANT.  At all.  I just feel.. you know, like Sarah.

And I feel like I disappoint all of the people who want stories of flutters and how I lie awake and dream about our baby.  Because I don’t get flutters and I don’t have those dreams.  Last night, in fact, I dreamt that I couldn’t get on to a classified system that I desperately needed something from.  THOSE are my dreams.  No baby.  None.

I worry that this means I’ll be a horrible mother.  But I only worry about that for a second, because.. DUR.  I felt this same way about my wedding, leading up to it.  People kept saying, “Aren’t you excited?”  Well, we were already living together (albeit, in sin), so there wasn’t that much change coming my way.  We were good before, we are good now.  I feel the same way about the baby. (Although, yes, I know there is a MAJOR change coming my way.)

Even seeing the ultrasound, LIVE, didn’t help.  I was fascinated by it, in a way that you might be fascinated by watching a live surgery, but surely that heartbeat is not in MY belly.

And this all brings on stupid guilt and even stupider fears.  Am I going to miscarry if I just don’t care enough?  I’m eating right, sleeping plenty, and taking my vitamins.  If I just don’t dote over it every single minute, will God deem me unworthy?

Teddie eased my mind at Book Club.  She said she felt that way through the WHOLE pregnancy (and she has a fabulous daughter).  She said even when they brought her the baby, she held the baby and thought briefly, “Look!  Someone had a beautiful baby!” before it sank in that it was HER baby.

So there’s my deep, dark secret.  Stupid shit that you worry about when you’re trying to sustain a life that you can’t feel.