My current pet peeve?Â Heeleys.Â Isn’t that what they’re called?Â The things that are the epitome of all that is lazy America?Â The shoes with wheels BUILT RIGHT IN THEM SO CHILDREN CAN ANNOY ME WITHOUT HAVING TO BEND OVER AND CHANGE SHOES?
Here’s my deal.Â Children have a hard enough time staying upright and not knocking things over.Â WHY MAKE THEM MOBILE?Â They cannot control themselves in the environment they’re in; can we not let Darwinism have SOME sort of say in thinning the herd?
And on a very personal, confessional note, here’s why I REALLY can’t stand them: I have an overwhelming urge to knock children down.Â Just in general.Â Children walking alongside me are in danger of me not being able to control my Godzilla-like height and OOPS! knocking them over.Â But now you put wheels on them?Â Making them, I dunno, like a challenge?Â Mocking my innate hunting skills?
I feel like a dog at the racetrack with an electronic bunny whizzing around.Â I have this natural urge to stick a leg out as they come whizzing by me.
Is this nice?Â NO.Â It is not.Â I am clearly an individual with no morals.Â I think we established that some time ago.Â But it is, nonetheless, honest.Â I hate those damn shoe-skate-thingies with a passion and think they should be outlawed.
They’re really only a step above Crocs, truly.
Now comes the part where you tell me what an old codger I am.