“Listen everybody, I’m afraid you didn’t hear, or do you want to
see a crazy lady fall apart in front of you, it isn’t only Paul
who may be ruining his life, you know we’ll both of us be losing
our identities, I telephoned my analyst about it and he said to
see him Monday, but by Monday I’ll be floating in the Hudson with
the other garbage–
I’m not well,
So I’m not getting married–
You’ve been swell,
But I’m not getting married–
Clear the hall,
‘Cause I’m not getting married–
Thank you all,
But I’m not getting married–
And don’t tell Paul,
But I’m not getting married today.”
“Getting Married Today“, Company

So, I apologize.

For some of you, it’s overdue.  For others, it’s entirely in advance.

I am losing my mind.

I know poor Bryan has taken the blunt end of it; I’ll come home, stressed from a new job and trying to coordinate a wedding that involves FAR too many people, and I’ll be incredibly short-tempered with him.  God love him; all he knows to do is kiss me.  Which, most of the time, works.  Not always.

When I get flustered and bogged down, all I can do is focus on details.  Don’t ask me silly questions about my mental state or food or something.  Ask me seating arrangements.  Ask me drop boxes.  Ask me something that I can clearly organize on a list and then check things off of.  That’s what I need.  That’s all I can do.

It will be fine.  Once I leave work today, I have two full days without work. (As of right now.) Tonight is a free night, with nothing to do. (As of right now.) Tomorrow is mine to use as I see fit. (As of right now.) Tomorrow night is my bachelorette party. (THAT IS IN STONE.) Sunday is only slightly booked. (As of right now.)

So if I’m short with you, I really do apologize.  I feel horrible for it, because I know how callous and cold I am when I get like this.  I know that I microfocus.  Sometimes, I can’t see the forest for the trees.

I apologize.  For that thing before and for many more to come.

“My first crush on an irish girl,
I was 10 years old and her name was Elaine.
Little redhead girl, she looked like you..
.. well, if you were 10..
.. which you’re clearly not..
.. not that you look old..
.. but you get my..
.. I’ll just stop now.”
- “I Could Be in Love With Someone (Like You)”, Jason Robert Brown

I love this weather.  Love it.  Love it, love it.  This is the weather of my wedding.

It’s very hard for me to be productive in this weather.  I just want to sit still, unmoving, while the world swirls around me.  I straightened the house last night so that was already done, then Bryan and the Boy came home and did homework at the table while I struggled through the last bit of our book club book.  I would constantly stop and look up and feel blessed.  It was so nice.

Ra, I laughed about our odd phone conversation a lot last night.  When you called, we were dropping off The Boy in an empty school parking lot, and I can only imagine what BioMom thought when she overheard, “No, I agree.. peanut butter IS better because it’s flesh-toned.  But what flavor are the vagina pops?”

I have felt like a fish out of water quite a bit at the new gig, but it was very reassuring to hear at this morning’s tag-up that “Sarah’s gotten us all straightened out”.  I am good at what I do, even if I don’t always feel that way.

I have got to do something with my hair.  It’s killing me.  Everyone says it looks great, but it feels messy to me.  It either needs to be longer or shorter.  This is horrible. 

I be so sleepy.  This waking up before the sun thing is miserable.  Although with that chill in the air, it was wonderful to climb into a steaming shower.  I had forgotten how nice that was.  I will miss our fireplace this year, though.  We have an outdoor fireplace that we haven’t yet assembled, but soon we will, and then we will spend our evenings in the front yard, on our multitude of park benches, around a roaring fire. 

We are still debating whether or not to attend BSJ this weekend.  Friday night is almost our only night together until the wedding (doesn’t that suck?), and I’m not sure if we want to spend it fighting enormous crowds for music acts we could care less about.  Maybe if the weather holds out.  Or.. we could grill out on our brand new grill (thanks, mom and dad!), and just chill with some wine and food.  That almost sounds better.

You know what I love?  Halloween.

“We build a treehouse.
I keep it from shaking.
Little more glue every time that it breaks.
Perfectly balanced, but then I start making
conscious, deliberate mistakes.”
- “Nobody Needs to Know”, The Last 5 Years

I sat outside yesterday, in the GLORIOUS fall weather and realized I’ve never had an autumn with Bryan.  Don’t get me wrong; we’ve been together through an autumn or two, but we’re usually so incredibly busy that we rarely see eachother in daylight hours.  I’m usually in a show, he’s usually in a show (or directing a couple of them), and we tag up at bedtime.  But yesterday, as I sat and hummed and he sat and blocked, we kinda had an autumn together.

We still have football Saturdays, though.  That I won’t give up.

It’s officially 68 degrees in my office right now.  I’m freezing.

So we have honeymoon plans.  Be jealous.  I’m actually very excited.  We’re going somewhere that holds fond memories for Bryan.  His family used to vacation up there on a yearly basis, but he hasn’t been back in almost fifteen years.  He has found a perfect little suite for us in a historic manner, and I’m just very excited.  We haven’t taken a vacation together in almost two years.  Which is far too long, in my book.

My bachelorette party is this weekend.  Be afraid.  Be very, very afraid.

I’ve decided that my next goal in life is to be on Flavor of Love on VH1.  My code name will be, of course, Moxie.  Bryan and I have practiced kissing like Flav kisses his girls, and I think I’m getting the hang of it.  Although, admittedly, when men have kissed me like that in the past, I tend to write them off as “NEVER EVER AGAIN KISS THIS PERSON, EVEN TO PERFORM CPR.”

When Bryan and I visited Surin the other night for dinner, I made him sit next to me in a booth (versus him sitting across the table).  It was much nicer to have him next to me.  I was very proud of him: he tried sushi.  And, dare I say, I think he liked it.  Granted, we ordered beginner sushi, but he did very well.  He even had eel, which is a step above beginner.  As dinner wrapped up, I noticed a man watching us from across the room.  His wife/girlfriend/mistress must’ve asked what he was looking at, and I read his lips as he answered, “Those kids are very much in love.”

‘Tis true.