Archive | July, 2006


“It’s your first big decision,
The choice isn’t easy to make.
To arrive at a ball
Is exciting and all-
Once you’re there, though, it’s scary.
And it’s fun to deceive
When you know you can leave,
But you have to be wary.
There’s a lot that’s at stake,
But you’ve stalled long enough,
‘Cause you’re still standing stuck
In the stuff on the steps…”
– “Steps of the Palace”, Into the Woods


You ever have one of those days where you woke up, thinking you had it all figured out, but once the frenzy stopped, you realized that you know nothing?

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“Lemme ‘splain.

No, there is too much.  Let me sum up.”
“The Princess Bride”


Live theatre is an amayzing thing.  Something happens on opening night that is similar to pregnancy amnesia, where you completely forget the hell and the torture that you’ve endured, and you live completely in the now.  The applause, the make-up, the lights, and the adoration fuels you.  And you think, “Ah.. this is good.  This is a good show.”

We had a PHENOMENAL opening weekend.  Great crowds, tons of smiling faces, and kids lining up to meet the Cat-in-the-Hat, Horton the Elephant, Gertrude, and the Pink Bird.  Yes, I have a name, but kids affectionately refer to me as “the pink bird”.  Which, you know, fits.

Lots of REALLY stupid drama backstage, none of which bears repeating on here.  I will say, though, that this has been a killer learning experience.  I’ve learned that respect goes a long way.  I’ve learned that being outlandishly fun backstage can turn a sour dressing room around.  And most importantly, I (forgive the self-indulgence) am a lot wiser than some give me credit for.

I was blessed enough to get a review straight from the target demo’s mouth, when Bryan and The Boy came to opening.  He LOVED it.  Went nuts over it.  And when I came home, was almost timid about approaching me.  He hovered around me, the way he is scared to play with a new toy sometimes.  “I like your eyes,” he kept saying.  They also gave me a huge bouquet of gerber daisies, which made opening night complete.

Today, I feel like a normal person again.  Bryan has been wonderful to take care of me at the theatre, and keeping the house in order at home.  I can’t wait for us to be home at the same time.  Someday. 🙂

I wish I had more to talk about, but since I saw no daylight that wasn’t created by a moving light this weekend, my life is kinda boring and narrow.  I’ll see what I can get pissed about before the day’s out.. you KNOW you miss my ranting.

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Through Thick & Thin

“that I would be loved even when I numb myself
that I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
that I would be loved even when I was fuming
that I would be good even if I was clingy”
– “Be Good”,
 Alanis Morrisette


I really didn’t realize how emotionally draining this show has been to me.

Last night, I was pumped.  I was in a great mood.  I was ready.  Dress rehearsals are so nerve wracking to me.. it’s like the final practice swing before the first pitch.  The excitement was tangible.  It was great.

It was almost time for Gertrude (our female lead, played by the lovely and talented Nina D. Banta) to make her entrance, and her entrance leads to my song, and she was nowhere to be found.  I raced down the catwalk stairs, twirled around the back corner, and there she stood, hunched over, crying.  Her breath was short and shallow.  And in that freeze of time, no one seemed to be helping her.  “Nina,” I whispered.  She didn’t move.

I think everyone finally realized what had happened, and people flew into action.  I have to say, not to brag, that Bryan and I both handle trauma extremely well.  He was sitting right there, and her seated and stable in a flash.  Miss Carter, who had been dishing with Bryan, had an ice pack out before we knew what was happening.  And I went to cut the orchestra, alert our stage managers, and tell our VBC tech that we’d had an injury.

And while I had something to do, I was fine. 

They carried her into the tech room for privacy and air while they waited for security to come report the situation and determine if a Hemsi was needed.  I stood outside and tried to calm everyone’s nerves.  I smiled and laughed.  “It’ll be fine,” I told them.  And of course, I was thinking.. we just saw our show go down in a blaze of glory.

I should say this: this is the first time I’ve ever worked with Nina.  Of course I knew who she was, and we’d worked AROUND eachother, but I’d never spent any amount of time with her.  And when I watched that little girl go down, it shook me.  HARD.  And I wanted so badly to be in there, holding her hand and calming her.  It was like.. going through this hellish show that had reduced us both to sniveling children had been a stronger bonding force than any show I’d done.

She hobbled out about twenty minutes after the initial injury and took the stage, seated to sing instead of dancing.  She sat quietly in a chair through the whole show, with her sweet boy beside her, tending to her.  And she acted her little tail off, from a corner of the stage.

It was terrifying.

And then I spent the better part of my night desperately trying to convince our tech help to stay, because they’d been treated so badly by our director.  I’m so frickin tired of having to go behind and clean up.  And when I tried to relay the issues we were having backstage and how they could be easily solved, I was told that “it’s none of [my] business” and “it ain’t gonna happen, so stop”.

So I went home and sat in my parked car and cried.  Bawled.  Sobbed.  Boo hooed.  We’ve all worked so hard.  We’ve all put up with so much.  When does it get easier?  When does it get fun?

Oh, it will be fun tonight, she said, while evily rubbing her hands together.

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A Thousand Words

Oh, gimme your lips for just a moment
and my imagination
will make that moment live.
Give me what you alone can give
A kiss to build a dream on.
– “A Kiss to Build a Dream On”,


I learned, in working with a photographer for many years, that my personal taste in photography doesn’t necessarily lie in the aesthetics.  I prefer photography that tells a story, that relays an honest emotion, that frames a person.

I’ve also learned, in sitting for several photographers, that I am not particularly photogenic.  I can put on the correct “Smile!” face, but I naturally do not appear favorably on film.  The only time this is untrue is when I’m ecstatic.  When I’m happy beyond words, everything takes care of itself. 

I have yet to see my Seussical bio photo, but just from knowing what mood I was in when it was shot, I can tell you it looks very staged. 

My first time to hold baby Matthew was one of the more amazing things ever.  He was still covered in goo, trembling, and seemed so new I can’t really put words to it.  The minute I felt his wet little body in my arms, Carolyn yelled at me to smile.  I could barely take my eyes off of him, and before I knew it, a flash erupted.  Voila.  People see that pic now and tell me how gorgeous it is, but I don’t see me at all.. I see Matthew. (Looking up at Aunt Sarah, and visibly terrified of the life she had planned for him.)

I only bring this up because I have spent the slow part of the afternoon looking at the photo booth strips I have taped to either side of my monitor.  They are goofy, incredibly silly, and there is not a picture where both of us are normal (as in, not cross eyed while sticking out tongues and making a low-tone face), but you can see such an overwhelming happiness in it.  Our smiles are from ear to ear, you can almost hear the giggling, and there’s two people, very much in love.

I miss him.

And I miss my friends.

.. I can’t wait for my wedding.  It’s probably the next time I’ll see everyone in the same room, and I plan to be at least photo-booth-strip-happy.  I imagine it will be 3x that.

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“Mary walks
down to the water’s edge,
and there she hangs her head
to find herself faded:
a shadow of what she once was.
She said, “How long have I been sleeping
and why do I feel so old?
Why do I feel so cold?
My heart is saying one thing but my body won’t let go.”
– “Mary”,
Sarah McLachlan


This is Sarah, beaten.

I’ve rewritten the next sentence four times now to try and make it more upbeat.  I hate writing sad, mopey, “woe is me” stuff.  Mostly because I hate reading it.  And because I’m resillient (I think) and I’ll be up again in no time (I hope) and I’ll look back and hate my little pity party that I threw myself.

But here’s what it boils down to.

I’m so tired.  I’m tired of not having time.  I’m tired of having to schedule things three weeks in advance in order to find a few hours that aren’t already booked.  I’m tired of not having dinner with my husband.  I’m tired of not seeing a sunset.  I’m tired of not being able to walk hills with my friends.  I miss my friends.  I feel like I haven’t seen them in WAY too long.  I’m tired of having to cancel lunches.  I’m tired of having to budget every goddamn dime.  I miss V8, tunafish, and Allegra-D.  I’m tired of crawling into bed too tired to talk and silently resenting Bryan if he has the energy to hold a conversation.  I miss him.  I’m tired of having four different directors all tell me something different, and the one director that really DOES matter in my book changing her mind every time the lights change.  I’m tired of being a trooper backstage to only be ripped up.  I’m tired of having rehearsals every night.  I’m tired of being someone else.

Alright, that’s done.  Pity party over.

So, in other, more amusing news, I lost my tail last night.  My character, the Amayzing Mayzie, is reknown throughout the jungle of Nool for her fantastic tail.  And, believe me, it is FABULOUS.  But it’s also heavy.  And when Mayzie comes down from her nest in the hopes that Horton the Elephant will sit on her egg for her, conceivably, her tail comes with her.  But that was not the case last night.  My entire tail stayed up, perched on a 9 foot nest.  Talk about cutting Samson’s hair.

I think, maybe, it’s time for a sabbatical.

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