Last night was my first night home, with nothing to do, in a looooong time.  I did a lot of things I’ve been meaning to do for weeks and just haven’t had time: I did my toenails, I tweezed my eyebrows, and I took Charlie running.  We ran for about half an hour, and I remembered why we keep Charlie.. oh, he may feel the need to relieve himself on any stationary object when we walk, but when we run, he is focused.  He is my rock.  We find our respective paces, and he doesn’t let me waiver.  In short, he’s pretty damn awesome.

But after that, I was dying in a pool of sweat on our couch, and flipping through the stations.  I got sucked into a special on a polygamist camp, specifically because their leader had just recently been added to the FBI Top 10 Most Wanted.  And I just became engulfed in such a isolationist theory and way of life, and amazed that it happens within our borders.

And I thought, “How incredibly cool.”

Now, don’t get me wrong.  I understand how polygamy is outdated, blah blah blah.  But, ladies, just think for a second.  There is a man who will provide for you.  And for your family.  And you only have to see him on rotation.

Isn’t that awesome?!

I mean, sure, you have to give up the little things like free will and choice, but just think about the benefits!  You only have to shave your legs, like, once every few weeks. (Except for Steph, who is the Amazing Hairless Wonder, and only shaves that often now.) You don’t have to co-parent.  And since it’s a commune, all of the meals are provided for!

Let’s just be honest.  It’s almost like one of those all-inclusive cruises.  You have an director telling you what to do the entire time, but you don’t necessarily have to SEE the director.  Your choices are limited; as in, you can’t go hiking on a cruise ship.  But if you can make do with what you’ve got.. man, you’ve got it made!

So I was all about this lifestyle.  All about it.  I was trying to figure out who else I could marry Bryan off to when they stopped me dead in my polygamist tracks.. “Our religion believes that sex is only used for procreation.  So you are only allowed that week in a month when the woman is most fertile.”

WHOA.  Dude.

Aside from the fact that sex for a straight week is probably as often (if not more so) than I currently “do it” in a month, can you imagine?  Suffering from PMS and trying to feel all.. intimate?  If anything, that’s the one week I FORCE abstinence.

So.  Anyway.  Just thought y’all would like to know how I almost left you to join a polygamist camp.

The end.