So I’ve not been able to talk to Delle for WEEKS now, because a riot at school smashed her phone into oblivion.  This morning, that all came to an end. 

And, yes, I said a RIOT AT SCHOOL.  Her new phone is a picture phone so she can share the insanity with the rest of the world.  Expect comments like, “See, that white line there?  That’s a bat.  And those little droplets are mace.  And there’s me, wailing on some eighth grader.. oh, no, it’s TOTALLY okay.  He’s had it coming for awhile now.”

I’ve heard Delle teach for a long time.  I actually knew all of her 5th graders last year, and they all knew me as Dr. Brown (as in Dr. Phil.. yes, I know).  So I’ve heard her interact with kids.  And I know that, in her last school, there were some problem children that required special consideration.. both through discipline and education.  But when she told me this new school is a war zone, I figured she was exaggerating slightly.  I mean, what publicly-funded school could end up like a war zone?  This is America, after all!  No child left behind!

So today, while we’re on the phone trying to discuss wedding plans (and how I am not to even LOOK at a dress until she gets into town), I hear some banging on the door.  She said, “Good GOD, it is a crazy child.  GET AWAY FROM MY DOOR.  DON’T YOU HAVE SOME OTHER CLASSROOM TO GO TERRORIZE?” (cue muffled yelling) “Oh, good, some other teacher is taking care of it.” (cue second round of banging) “Jesus, hang on a sec.. (door opening) YOU’D BETTER HAVE AN AMAZING REASON TO BE BANGING ON MY DOOR.  Oh, okay, I’m back.. he’s running down the hall.  The police in the stairwell will get him.  Let me just lock this back..”

Nope.  Not an exaggeration.  And somehow, I don’t think it’s the kids that we need to worry about..

No, I didn’t HAVE to spell out what APB stands for, but now you know, so you won’t sound ignorant.  You’re welcome.

BUT THE APB IS FOR REAL!

I’m issuing an Amber Alert:

MISSING: TRI-SARAH-TOPS

LAST KNOWN LOCATION: SARAH’S ENTRYWAY TABLE

AGE: THREE MONTHS

LAST SEEN WITH: BRYAN-O-SAURUS AND LORD VOLDEMORT, WHO ARE BOTH STILL AT THE SCENE

TRI-SARAH-TOPS, THOUGH FIERCE IN APPEARANCE, IS ACTUALLY FRIGHTENED AND HER FAMILY MISSES HER VERY MUCH.  IF SHE FOUND, PLEASE RETURN HER TO THE RESIDENCE ASAP.  NO REWARD IS OFFERED, BECAUSE HER MOTHER IS A LITTLE FREAKED OUT THAT SHE’S MISSING IN THE FIRST PLACE.

THANK YOU.  THAT IS ALL. 

So I had this funny picture in my head this morning.

I was running through the many and various “Mother of the Year” contenders that I have read about recently, and my mind went back to Steph’s Costco incident, where BB wandered out of eyesight.. and out of store.  What really tickled me was imagining what happened at that point.

Keep in mind, BB is a 2 year old engineer.  He doesn’t like being bothered by people at all.  And he has three phrases that are his FAVORITES.  So I imagined it going something like this.

Stranger: Hey, little guy!  What’re you doing out here by yourself?

BB: Go ‘way.

Stranger: .. well, where’s your mom?

BB: Leave my alone.

Stranger: Are you supposed to be out here?  Here, give me your hand, and we’ll go back inside.

BB: STOP.  GO ‘WAY.

Stranger: Wow.  Okay.

BB: Never smile at a croc-o-dile..

Stranger: I REALLY think we should go find your mom..

BB: GOWAYLEAVEMYALONESTOP!

I just wonder how they got him back in.  It was very funny in my head.  Because you have to read all of BB’s lines in a monotone voice.  Except for the crocodile verse.. that’s done in a sing-song monotone.

I was playing this out in my head this morning while drying my hair, and in the midst of my playwriting, I realized I had been blowing my hair dry for half an hour.  Way to focus, Sa-rah!