Thru some texting last night:

E: Emotional post.  You okay?

Me: Yeah.  Just thinking a lot.  S’never good.

E: Yep.  Thinking can be dangerous.

Me: Not to worry; I immediately stopped thinking after.  All is well.

But it was a lie. 

I’m just bummed.  Like, seriously, BUMMED.  Watching the news makes me weep uncontrollably.. not only is that my pulse, New Orleans, being submerged.. a good number (a too-large-number) of its people are suffering as well.  Tears, I think, are partly to blame for the rising waters.  Either way, the devastation is not yet over.  It’s really not even crested.  What really devastates me are the memories.. I always visited the Big Easy completely broke.  Had no money.  And yet, I never went hungry, I always had a drink in my hand.. that city is the epitome of southern (and creole) hospitality.  I hate the circumstances they are facing.

Not only that, but my heart is inexplicably heavy.  I learned last night that he did NOT forget my birthday, but he had no means to acquire any gifts or make any elaborate plans, so he was just going to let it go unmentioned.  WHAT?  How is that okay?  Jesus.  This, after I wrote that last post.

And my heart hurts.  Makes me worry about all of my family members who are under-the-weather.  I just feel a boom about to hit.  Lovely Wednesday.

To end on a positive note.. the weather was glorious this morning.  A bite of fall is in the air; it won’t be too much longer before I can bitch about the cold.

i came here tonight because the wind was stirring, and i love the feeling of an approaching storm. it’s the italian in me, i think. it’s the desire of invincibility, like i can face and survive any storm. tonight is no exception. i’m sitting on my steps, watching the sun slip from the sky into the water, and noticing that they have installed a tree on top of that new parking garage. it just looks strange. i’m not a fan of the new developments on big spring park. i guess it’s change. i may have a problem with change. i think i’m tired of it.

today, i threw a bit of a temper tantrum. i’m not embarrassed, though, and i won’t take it back because it came from a valid place. change is part of my daily life now, and it’s change i’m not really prepared to deal with. everytime i talk to delle, she asks me what my answer will be when that ring resurfaces. i shrug her off every time, as if we both don’t know the answer, and reliably, she tells me everytime that i need to REALLY know what i’m answering. it’s not just a ‘yes.’ there’s a whole lot of questions that won’t even be asked for me to answer.. everything has to be compiled in that one answer.

25 scares me for that. part of me expected to be married with kids by this point. the other part of me never planned on walking the aisle. what really sucks is that i always viewed marriage as a formality. if you found the person you didn’t feel like you HAD to marry, then that’s the right one. but there are so many obstacles WITHOUT marriage.. and in so many ways, marriage would make life easier.

i just wrote three paragraphs on marriage. who am i?

and today, i had to be told that children are a part of daily life when you’re a parent (be it step or otherwise). someone had to TELL me that. where are my instructions? did my manual get lost in the mail?

i guess i’m just approaching something that’s unknown. and it’s been a LONG time since i’ve had darkness before me. what’s funny is that bryan has a hell of a road ahead of him as far as “asking permissions”.. delle, my sister.. not to mention my father. but all of those people believe in me. in us.

maybe it’s time i did, too.