First of all, y’all are AHMAYZING.  I’ve been up all night, rethinking what I should and shouldn’t have done, second guessing everything, and just generally realizing how badly I thought I handled all of that yesterday.

Thank you for saying that I was okay for doing what I did.

Because all I could think about all night was this scene from Tarantino’s short-film Deathproof, and if you haven’t seen it, BY GOD, go do it because Zoe Bell in particular is the most kick-ass woman on the face of the planet.

This is what I wanted to do.  But I didn’t.  Cause I’m reserved.

Also, a little bit chickenshit.

Where I was antsy most of last night, today I’m LIVID. ANGRY. Like, Jennifer Lopez in Enough angry. Ready to kick-ass.

The turning point? Was my child waking up with his first ever nightmares. ALL NIGHT.

He’d wake up screaming, “NO, NO, NOT MOMMA, NO NO!” And now we can’t turn the lights off and he won’t sleep.

And that? That makes me angrier than anything I can even think of out of all that happened yesterday.

Bryan is home now, napping. Tony is playing in his room. With another person home, I finally got a shower.

I wasn’t kidding about the MMA stuff. Even if it’s something I’ll never, ever use, I’m starting some sort of self-defense stuff. Not because I’m scared, so much, anymore. But because I’m mad.

It’s strange, the things we do to keep ourselves sane. (And I’m sorry that I’m talking like I was beaten or raped or something yesterday. I know that what happened was BY FAR not the worst outcome, and I promise this will be the last I talk about it for some time.) The one thing I wanted to do last night was touch base with one of my high school friends, a guy who was always super protective of me and would threaten to break knees at the drop of a hat. Even though he was a good 13 hours away, just to know that he knew what had happened and that he was “looking out” for those guys? Did weird amounts to make me feel better.

I’m going to Snark tonight, per our usual. And I’m going to try not to talk about it, because, let’s face it.. that’s not the place. I think being in that studio with my BFF and Gellman will do a lot for me, though. It’s a safe place there.

I hate that I look at things like that now.

So, two things: a not-so-good thing that turned out to be GREAT and a funny-at-the-moment thing that has me a little freaked out.

Which to pick first?  OH, THE CHOICES.

Alright, we’ll start with the Might-Have-Been-Big-News-But-Is-Great-In-Its-Smallness.

Early January, I found a lump in my breast.

I’ve had them before.  I’ve had one removed.  For some reason, my body LURVES cysts and they love to just cling to me like barnacles on a cruise ship.  Which sounded like a much better analogy in my head.  Anyway, I was just too busy to go to the doctor.  Which?  STUPID.

Last week, I finally took some time to go to the doctor.  I had been battling a cold for some weeks, and a fever had finally developed, and I .. I just kinda knew.  I knew it was time.  Of course, my white blood cells were elevated, but I checked negative for strep, for flu.. all of the common causes.  And I mentioned the lump in my  breast and EVERYONE WENT INTO OVERDRIVE.  I had a mammogram done, an ultrasound done, a biopsy done, and they drained the thing.

I .. sorta didn’t tell anyone.  Like, even Bryan.  I told my boss, since I was missing so much work, and she was AWESOME about it.  But I knew that we had enough stress in our life as it was with job cuts and money issues and pet health and car trouble and .. anyway.  I knew that I could shoulder this on my own. 

Except .. I  may have sucked at it.  Like, a lot.  I thought I was being all strong and whatnot, but in reality, the rest of the world just saw a Sarah Lena who was not holding it together very well.  She checked out mentally, a LOT, and was just dropping balls left and right. 

ANYWAY, the results came back from the biopsy yesterday.  I’m fine.  I’m clear.  Nothing cancerous to be found.

I skated on that thin ice — again — and made it safely to the other side.

I still worry that it’s not yet over.

But it is today.

NOW: on to other news that I was tickled about at the moment but now it kinda skeeves me out a bit.

I was driving home in my neighborhood this weekend (we live about three streets over from a busy thoroughfare), and I noticed that a car had done a little sideways deal in a four-way stop.  Honestly, it looked like (as I approached) a teenager had been learning to drive a stick and had dropped the clutch, because the car was so wonky.

As I drove closer, I noticed that it was a middle-aged man driving .. so there goes the “learning” theory .. and he had his window rolled down.  He was hollering (I live in the south) at a woman, walking the road.  The woman was smiling and waving, but would NOT approach the car.

Because I’m apparently TWELVE and NAIVE, I thought, “Oh, cool!  Neighbors!” so I was all smiling and waving as I approached.. also because the car was completely blocking any traffic from getting through the four-way stop.

The man noticed that I saw his face, he turned three shades of green, and then he sped off.  The woman?  Flicked me off.

DUDE, THERE IS TOTALLY A HOOKER IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD AND I TOTALLY RUINED HER BEING ABLE TO SUPERSIZE IT THAT NIGHT.

Of course, I ran home to tell Bryan and then as the words left my mouth, I was all OMG, there was a HOOKER yards from my HOUSE.  And I should say that I live in a pretty nice neighborhood. (I thought.) Mostly older folks.  Quiet.  Walking distance from two churches and a YMCA.

But, because I’m all CANCER-FREE and full of piss and vinegar as a result, I am choosing to see the silver-lining of this debacle.

1) if my job is ever cut, I can totally just walk the streets of my neighborhood.

2) I was TOTALLY hotter than her.  I could TOTALLY steal her Johns.

3) I’d save on gas money!  Go green!

I really don’t talk about my job on here, except when it frustrates me.  Which is not fair.

I’d like to talk about it now.

Huntsville, Alabama is my hometown.  You’ve probably not ever heard of it before, because.. well.. it’s in Alabama.  But in reality?  We have a very large piece of the nation’s space program centered here.  The Saturn V vehicle was designed here.  We’re known as The Rocket City.

So I grew up with space.  Space Camp was a field trip for us, being in our backyard and all.  It wasn’t Christmas until the lights were up on the model rockets at the museum.  Every piece of the International Space Station (also primarily designed here) was huge news and a cause for celebration.

The FY2011 budget that was just released .. well .. a nice way to put it is that it redirects NASA’s vision.  My program, the program I and thousands of other people have been busting our ass for for the last three to five years, was cut entirely from the budget.  I wouldn’t mind that so much, honestly, if there was an obvious alternative. 

But one isn’t obvious yet.  And I’m insanely concerned with the nation’s space exploration now.

This GREAT video details the work we’ve done.  Primarily it details WHY we’ve done it.

I’m not naive enough to think that a video can stop Congress from passing this budget as it’s written right now.  I sincerely doubt Constellation will ever see the light of day again.  But?  This is a great reminder for us to show our kids when they look up and wonder why we stopped looking.