I haven’t done one of these in awhile.  Mostly because I’ve been trying not to buy things.  But I have, nonetheless, ended up purchasing some stuff.  And Bryan asked me about them the other day, so maybe I should report out.

I owe it to you, my lovely readers.

I have been coveting these shoes for a LOOOOOONG time.  Then, when the doctor blessed me with a cancer-free boob, I was walking through the mall (I was actually buying a dress for a ball that we ended up not attending), and I passed by a Hibbetts.  I have actually TRIED to find these shoes in stores for awhile, but they either didn’t have the color palette I wanted (the pictured white/pink combo is the least ugly to me), or they didn’t have my size, or they were charging $150 for them.

Lo and behold, they had them in white/pink.  And in my size.  And they were on sale for $90.  THE STARS ALIGNED.

So I bought them.  I’ve had them for about three weeks now, and I wear them almost every day.  Even with dress pants.

Have I seen a change in my ass/thighs/hips?  No.  Not really.  BUT, and I say this is complete and total honest, it has helped my posture tenfold.  I’ve never really had an issue with posture, per se, but I tend to walk incorrectly.  I feel this in my hips ALL THE TIME.  This has taken away all of my pain in my hips entirely.  They pop less often, they’re not sore at the end of the day, blah blah blah.  So while they’re not magic diet pills, I have seen a positive impact from them.

I bought this Merona shirtdress to use mostly as my Derby Announcer persona, Lucille Maul, but honestly?  It’s so freakin’ cute that I may have to wear it elsewhere.  Everyone wanted to know where I got it and when I told them Target for less than $40, they all went nuts.  Understandably.  Mucho cute.

Probably the most amazing was that we spent A BUTTLOAD OF MONEY ON ANIMALS.  Granted, all of our animals are rescues, so they were all free, but we got them shot up and fixed this last month.  While Beau, the puppy in the first picture, didn’t change much from his already perky self, Lola (the cat in the second pic) has transformed from a generally bitchy animal to a loving, affectionate cat who is ON ME ALL THE TIME.  The cat who liked no one is now solidly in my camp, sleeping on my feet at night and warming my lap while I type.  Right this second, as a matter of fact.  I never thought having an animal fixed would so dramatically alter their personality, but this cat?  This cat, I love.

So.  Until I go clothes shopping for my new job, that’s all I have to show you.

What’s your wallet been up to?

“I don’t know you can watch this, Sarah.  It’s sad.  And disgusting.  And these people are selfish.”

I shrug.  “I’ll bet you money that they have OCD.”

He looks at me.  “What?”

“I could get this way.  I fight it.  Every day.”

Hoarders is something I TiVo every week, but we inevitably watch it live.  There’s nothing else on, really, during that time slot, and I have to watch it.  If I don’t, I feel like I’ll forget and I won’t ever find time for it later. And I need to remember.

See, every time I see one of those shows, I realize just how easily that could be me.  We all joke about my OCD, about how it keeps my house clean, probably obnoxiously so, and how it’s such a blessing to have.

Sure, it is.  Sorta.  I mean, you don’t know the exhaustion of never being able to relax because your house is dirty.  Especially when your version of “dirty” really just means “slightly messy .. lived in” to most other people.  I mean, sure, I’m sure my family is so glad that I have this compulsion, but they don’t understand that I fight resenting them when they don’t have the same compulsion.  That when Bryan leaves dishes out or when Jack doesn’t clean his room that I take it personally.  How can they live like that? that part of my brain asks itself.  They’re just NORMAL, the other part responds.

OCD and perfectionism is, at its core, something that we can’t always control.  We may be able to keep the symptoms to a minimum (without medication), but if it spirals out of our control .. and it does, and mind-blowingly quickly .. the result becomes despair.  Depression.

A dirty house?  Really, severely dirties our minds.  We don’t function, we can’t sleep, and we’re overwhelmed by the clutter.

Bryan and I have had these buttons for years: the buttons where he’ll put stuff down for some hypothetical later date and I can’t deal with the clutter and just toss it.  This is constantly an issue.  It’s part of why I’m so detail-oriented; the organization is a coping mechanism.  He puts up with it, forgives me, and the cycle continues.  Cause it’s who we are, and it’s how we deal.

Every Sunday, I take this quiet, boastful stand that I WILL NOT PICK UP AFTER ANYONE THIS WEEK.  Inevitably, by Sunday night, I’m doing some whirlwind cleaning because I just can’t deal with it.  If it means I’m the maid, so be it.  I have to have it clean.  “Messy” is not an option in this house; it is very black and white.  It is either clean, or it’s dirty.

You know how a skein of yarn looks when you get it?  An OCD person will have a hard time unraveling that first string.  Because the pattern, the consistency, the mental clarity will be lost.  And will never be had again. 

Or when you open a fresh, clean notebook?  An OCD person will have a hard time making that first mark.  Nothing will ever be as good as that clean sheet of paper.

And when the house loses the “clean”, it’s sink or swim.  It’s far too easy to be overwhelmed and lost in the sinking mess.  I firmly believe that that’s how hoarders start.

Or how I would.

If A&E didn’t remind me once a week not to get that way.

Yes!  Hallelujah!  NaBloPoMo is over today!!

.. and I’m kind of a little sad.

I liked forcing myself to sit still and think for a little bit of time each day. (SHUT UP to all of you who are saying Hah, Sarah has to force herself to think! because .. you’re ugly.) It was nice to see that I’d actually been an active blogger again.  I missed it.

SO.

I was driving in to work this morning and there were several things that bothered me about it. 1) I was out of my pjs before, like, eleven.  That had not happened since 11/20, and it was very disturbing to me this morning. 2) Tony was SO appalled at the idea of going to school this morning that he made himself throw up.  And the idea that I had to redress him and send him on his way because neither of us could miss work today?  OHMYLORD, it killed me.

So I was driving in and thinking .. AGAIN.. how much I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom on days like today.  Ideally, I’d send Tony to “school” two or three days a week, because he reallly does need the socialization.  But?  But I feel like I have NO TIME with him.  And so I carve out as much time outside of work as possible to be dedicated Tony time, which means any time for me?  Or my marriage?  Gets the shaft.  A lot.

I’ve been talking repeatedly about my flirtation with Dave Ramsey and his Total Money Makeover.  And I say flirtation because, well, I’m just a naughty little girl and I’m all like, Ooh, Dave, talk softly again about how I can eliminate all of my debt.  What am I wearing, Dave?  I’m wearing a Gap.. I mean, um, a Goodwill top and.. And I basically think that, YES, his ideas are fantastic and I should TOTALLY do that!

.. aaaaaand then I go to Target.  With plastic.  And maybe have to buy that really cute placemat set because.. well, because.  It was on sale!  It was the last one!  I needed one more!  I have a long laundry list of excuses.

SO.  Back to this morning.  This morning, where I dealt with puke AND getting dressed and I was already in a pretty crappy mood.  I was driving in, and I realized, HEY!  If I, like, REALLY do this Dave Ramsey stuff and we get all of our debt paid off.. I could quit work.  Or I could work part-time at something I really loved doing.  But most importantly, I could spend more time with the kid!

As if sent by Dave Ramsey himself, this post by Mike at RunningWolf echoed exactly that inspiration.  Taking the initiative to do something you WANT to do. 

I will say this: I feel (and have felt for some time) that I’ve always been the one to put my nose to the grindstone when it comes to employment.  I took my chances early, playing around with “what I want to do when I grow up” before I even turned twenty, and have been the steady breadwinner ever since.. doing something else entirely.  I have always, ALWAYS wanted to have that chance to do what I want to do instead of what I have to do (in order to take care of everyone else).  That idea?  Terrifies and excites me all at the same time.

And maybe?  Maybe it’s my turn.

Suddenly, a Total Money Makeover doesn’t sound like a life sentence, as it has in the past.  It sounds, instead, like a gateway to the life I wanted anyway.  It sounds like a means to an end where I can stop working for The Man and start spending time furthering our podcast opportunities.  I know what my purpose is in life.  This ain’t it.

But tightening the belt a bit?  Could get me a helluva lot closer to It.