.. and I’m kind of a little sad.

I liked forcing myself to sit still and think for a little bit of time each day. (SHUT UP to all of you who are saying Hah, Sarah has to force herself to think! because .. you’re ugly.) It was nice to see that I’d actually been an active blogger again.  I missed it.

SO.

I was driving in to work this morning and there were several things that bothered me about it. 1) I was out of my pjs before, like, eleven.  That had not happened since 11/20, and it was very disturbing to me this morning. 2) Tony was SO appalled at the idea of going to school this morning that he made himself throw up.  And the idea that I had to redress him and send him on his way because neither of us could miss work today?  OHMYLORD, it killed me.

So I was driving in and thinking .. AGAIN.. how much I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom on days like today.  Ideally, I’d send Tony to “school” two or three days a week, because he reallly does need the socialization.  But?  But I feel like I have NO TIME with him.  And so I carve out as much time outside of work as possible to be dedicated Tony time, which means any time for me?  Or my marriage?  Gets the shaft.  A lot.

I’ve been talking repeatedly about my flirtation with Dave Ramsey and his Total Money Makeover.  And I say flirtation because, well, I’m just a naughty little girl and I’m all like, Ooh, Dave, talk softly again about how I can eliminate all of my debt.  What am I wearing, Dave?  I’m wearing a Gap.. I mean, um, a Goodwill top and.. And I basically think that, YES, his ideas are fantastic and I should TOTALLY do that!

.. aaaaaand then I go to Target.  With plastic.  And maybe have to buy that really cute placemat set because.. well, because.  It was on sale!  It was the last one!  I needed one more!  I have a long laundry list of excuses.

SO.  Back to this morning.  This morning, where I dealt with puke AND getting dressed and I was already in a pretty crappy mood.  I was driving in, and I realized, HEY!  If I, like, REALLY do this Dave Ramsey stuff and we get all of our debt paid off.. I could quit work.  Or I could work part-time at something I really loved doing.  But most importantly, I could spend more time with the kid!

As if sent by Dave Ramsey himself, this post by Mike at RunningWolf echoed exactly that inspiration.  Taking the initiative to do something you WANT to do. 

I will say this: I feel (and have felt for some time) that I’ve always been the one to put my nose to the grindstone when it comes to employment.  I took my chances early, playing around with “what I want to do when I grow up” before I even turned twenty, and have been the steady breadwinner ever since.. doing something else entirely.  I have always, ALWAYS wanted to have that chance to do what I want to do instead of what I have to do (in order to take care of everyone else).  That idea?  Terrifies and excites me all at the same time.

And maybe?  Maybe it’s my turn.

Suddenly, a Total Money Makeover doesn’t sound like a life sentence, as it has in the past.  It sounds, instead, like a gateway to the life I wanted anyway.  It sounds like a means to an end where I can stop working for The Man and start spending time furthering our podcast opportunities.  I know what my purpose is in life.  This ain’t it.

But tightening the belt a bit?  Could get me a helluva lot closer to It.