So it’s my night of “absolutely nothing” and it’s far more perfect than I had hoped.  Why?  Because my godson is quietly snoozing on the floor.

I had that life-altering moment earlier tonight, but don’t tell Delle. 

I have been waivering back and forth on the “Do I ever want kids?” issue for years, and marriage didn’t really clarify much for me.  Even having a stepson just seemed to murky the waters. 

Tonight, Matthew dozed off while we were playing on the floor.  He had been a bit fussy when Delle first left, but I have instincts with kids that surprised even me, and he had fallen asleep quickly.  He stirred while I was moving to get up, and he grabbed at my sweater.  He looked up at me with his momma’s eyes and grinned.

And I melted.

It was as if he was telling me a joke that only we would share.  He kept giggling, and it took me a minute to convince myself that he wasn’t dirtying another diaper for me to change.  But nope, he giggled and laughed and beamed.  I asked him, “What is it, Matthew?” and he just grinned wider, his eyes searching my face.

I wonder if he just then realized how much I’ve loved him even before he joined us.