So I know I’ve written a couple of posts now that were vague and lofty and everything, for those of you who hate the inner workings of my life.  So I’m warning you now, this one’s a bit deeper, so if you’re one of
those people, stop reading now.

25 sucks.  I mean, SUCKS.

25 has brought so much confusion and anticipation and disappointment and longing and loss.. that 26 has got to be better.  I remembered reading all of those articles when Delle hit 25 about "quarter-lifer crisises", where people hit 25 and just lost their minds.  I was a mere 24 then.. ah, youth.. and I remember thinking, "Why in the hell are these people going insane?  It’s just an
age.  It’s not a definition."

And I was partially right: it’s not a definition.  It is a DEADLINE.

On Friday night, after the first show closed, I was DEVASTATED when Bryan wanted to go home and sit on the couch.  It was nothing he did, but I sat there, in my fancy little outfit, and thought, "Why am I not out?  Why am I not at Humphrey’s?  Applebees?  Waffle House?  When did I get so old?"

Then I realized, "Oh, right.. I’m not old.  I’m poor."

Now, the 24 year old would’ve said, "Well, I can charm some man into paying for me."

The 25 year old in me said, "No, we don’t do that anymore."

So I was in bed.  By eleven.  All of me.

I was so proud, all weekend, to be "Comer’s Girlfriend".  I loved that the kids all know me, that they ask me what I thought of the show (and actually listened when I answered), and I loved watching what he put together.  I was so proud of him.  So proud.

And then it hit me.  This insane and overwhelming jealousy of what he had.  And what he had to look forward to.

It was not rational.  I know that.  But it was there.  And it was LOUD.

It’s been there for a few weeks.  Being up there the little bit I was last week helped.  But it did not silence it.

And this weekend, it was gnawing away at my brain.

There are these lyrics in my favorite show, "The Last 5 Years", that kept ringing in my head.  The show chronicles the relationship of Kathy and Jamie.. Kathy is an actress, and Jamie a writer.  They are both passionate about what they do.  Jamie, however, gets a huge book deal while Kathy stalls in auditions, never even getting a callback.  Jamie cites her dissatisfaction with her own career and contempt for his success at the main reason they divorce. (He neglects, however, to mention that he was unfaithful during the marriage… and they always neglect to mention that.)  She sings, after another failed audition:

And I feel that.  And I HATE that.

So I need to fix that.  I need to find something new, a new passion to really drive myself towards.  Because I feel so incomplete, feeling this way.  And I know he feels it too.  And I hate this.

That’s all.