I had a moment of stupid last night.  It hit me pretty strongly.

I was chatting with one of our directors last night and Bryan walked over.  It’s always my assumption that we know everyone in theatre because.. well.. because we usually do.  I’ve done theatre for fifteen years now in town.. holy shit, I’m old.. and he knows everyone through everyone else.  So we all were talking about “The Fantastiks” because this particular director had played El Gailo a few years ago.. which is one of the dreamiest parts.. and he stopped conversation cold.  Finally, he stuck his hand out to Bryan and introduced himself.  I felt so silly for not having done that.

So I said, “I’m so sorry.. this is my fiance, Bryan Comer.”

And Bryan BEAMED.  Like, a naked woman had just appeared in front of him and offered any and every pleasure he could imagine.. BEAMED.  And I felt very nice about that.

So we got home and were watching the news.  It was some stupid story on teachers who get too close to students, and one of the arrested teachers was shown.. and admittedly, she was attractive.  She was tall, blonde, large-chested.. and he would NOT stop going on and on about how hot she was. 

Yes, even the great and powerful Sarah Brown has moments of insecurity.

So I swallowed this huge lump in my throat and we went to bed.  He fell asleep quickly; it had been a long day for both of us, and the evening’s rehearsal had been especially trying.

And I just lay there, thinking.. nay, WORRYING.. that I wasn’t enough.  That if he REALLY and TRULY found tall, busty, blondes the cat’s meow.. well, clearly, I cannot give him that.  No amount of corrective surgery could give him that.  I will never be that girl.  I’m just a short, redheaded, average little troll of a woman.

Not only that, but how long until he grew tired of a redheaded troll?  I’m the after of Princess Fiona, I decided.  I don’t even get that lovely period of daylight where I’m Camereon Diaz.  Just green.

So I didn’t sleep much.  And this morning, because I had some time to kill, I slept in, curled up with the cats (who don’t care that I’m a troll, as long as I don’t eat them), then I grabbed a venti gingerbread latte before coming into work.

And, yes, I realize how stupid this all is.  But I’d be lying if I said it didn’t keep me up all night.