The Many Ways I’m Sucking.

Welcome! You’re just in time for Sarah’s pity party! Take off your shoes and make yourself at home. The crappy refreshments will be out aaaaaany second, just as soon as that good-for-nothing hostess gets her act together.

Refreshments will include a punch made from Sarah’s tears and a cornucopia filled with Sarah’s guilt. It’s not quite filling and it will go straight to your hips.

In order for me to go back to work, I started watching sales and sale sites and whatnot, even back when I was still pregnant. I even ordered clothes from those mass sale sites when I was all laid up in bed with contractions. I’ve ordered some clothes recently from online stores having insane sales.

I cannot wear any of them. ANY. OF. THEM. BECAUSE I AM MASSIVE.

This impacts my self-esteem like nothing else I can articulate. I don’t want anyone to see me. I don’t want anyone to tell me that I “look great!” Don’t even get me started on what I don’t want my husband to do to me.

Because no one should have to do these things. Have you seen me? No one should be subjected to this.

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So, funny story. I wrote this yesterday.

This past weekend – and it kind of came to a head yesterday, obviously – I was in a pretty dark place. Exhaustion is one thing. I know that, eventually, the not sleeping through the night thing ends. (IT SHOULD, ANYWAY.) The finding quality one-on-one time with all of the kids is also hard, but it’s necessary.

Clearly, though, I was having a bit of an issue with Me. And My Body.

Then last night, I went to a kick-off meeting for my next No Boundaries 5k training class.

Man, I didn’t want to go. I was tired – ALWAYS tired – and I didn’t want people to see me. I just knew what would happen: they’d see me and say Oh my God, look at how HUGE she is! She had that baby almost two months ago! Why does she still look pregnant?!

But I went anyway. And as always, NoBo proved me wrong.

There were hugs and high-fives. Chants and cheers. Lots of laughing.

And in this really weird turn of events, I was really really sad we weren’t running last night. I realized how much I missed it – the running, the people, the distraction, the pace. Starting a run and eventually finishing it had become a necessary therapy for me.

I drove home elated and in an insanely good mood. I was still tired, but I was clear-headed. I was focused. And I was Me again.

I’ve run a few times in the last few weeks, and it’s HARD. My feet feel like lead, and my endurance is nonexistent. My pacing is off and my breathing is shallow. I struggle. I’m sore for days afterwards and then I dread the next run.

But after last night? I cannot WAIT to do up my laces again.

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2 Responses to The Many Ways I’m Sucking.

  1. Katie July 30, 2013 at 2:31 pm #

    I am so glad you are back! It’s going to be awesome:-).

  2. Rachel July 30, 2013 at 8:01 pm #

    I just finished my second NoBo class, and I’m getting ready to start Pathways! Running kind of changes everything, doesn’t it? Congrats on everything 🙂

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