Breaking Up with My Boyfriends, Ben AND Jerry.

I can’t remember the last time I went on a “diet”; about two years ago, I started researching real food movements and caveman-centric eating styles and why we tried a bit of each of those, I found that – as a family – it was just easier to mix in the best parts of all of those.

As such, I found the need for “diets” to be obsolete. I was not looking for a quick fix or a band-aid or a miracle cabbage soup. (That is my FAVORITE point of reference for diets. “The Cabbage Soup” diet – did y’all ever try that? BOY HOWDY, DID THAT MAKE MY LIFE HARD AND SMELLY.)

But a longtime friend of mine – in fact, back in our early days at the company, we used to take turns ordering the newest “lose 20 lbs instantly!” products and sharing them – started a new diet that involved a high-potency vitamin/calorie dosing three times a day. And I thought, Ehh. Why not?

So these drops (yes, a three-letter-drop) are such that you take them sublingually, three times a day. And they offer you a diet plan to complement the drops – a 500 calorie a day diet.

Which, COME ON. Am I right?

Well, part of the plan is that you don’t exercise beyond walking because your body can’t take it. (While starving? NO KIDDING!) So I’m not exactly following that. But what I’ve found in the last few days is that I need the chance to detox.

Sugar? Is out. And not, like, entirely out because I am still eating fruit. (As is allowed on “the plan”. 6 strawberries, a small apple, or half of a grapefruit are permitted twice a day.) But I need to remember how sweet fruit is.  I need to remember that fresh summer berries are a decadent, luxurious summer dessert.

Carbs? No sir. I’m not bending much on this with the small exception that I may have some vegetables that are not allowed on the Atkins diet – legumes are not allowed, nor is corn or potatoes and I KNOW I KNOW THOSE ARE STARCHES ANYWAY. But I’m not saying that if I’m starving, and I have a big run ahead of me, that I’m going to avoid those things. But no more carb-loading on pasta before a measly 1 mile run and declaring it holy in the name of exercise.

Snacking? THIS MAKES ME SAD. But no, no more snacking. This is really the RESET button I needed – I needed to realize what had become habit versus me fueling my body. No more mindlessly shoving a Larabar (or two) into my face between breakfast and lunch. No more hovering around the vending machine. We are now pursuing purposeful eating.

My friend and I were talking about how the first few days went and she nailed it on the head: “It’s like you’re breaking up with an abusive boyfriend. He didn’t treat you right, he didn’t love you back, but yet, you just kept seeing him. Sneaking in a visit here, lying about seeing him there.” YES. YES YES YES. It has made me realize just how habitually I ate, not with any purpose. Because I looooove him.

So that’s where I am. I’m probably a little cranky – and a little frustrated that I have had two little bundt cakes sitting on my counter, uneaten, for three days now but who’s counting OH I AM – and I’m definitely coming out of withdrawal. But! I’m sleeping better – like, WAY better – and I’m actually tasting food again. I made Balsamic Slow-Cooker Chicken on Monday and each breast I’ve eaten since has been a got-damned flavor orgasm. How amazing ARE tomatoes, anyway? AND RED ONION? PURE BLISS.

The point I’m trying to make is this: I know it sounds crazy, but sometimes, we need to hit a RESET button. I’m not doing some 500 calorie a day diet, because HAHAHAH PLEASE. But I am tapering back and only eating natural, real foods and cutting out the crap that isn’t really helping my bottom line. (SEE WHAT I DID THERE? BECAUSE MY BOTTOM IS FAT.)

Of course, because why wouldn’t you?, I had one last hurrah. A menage e trois, if you will, with Ben, Jerry, and Jimmy Fallon. AND IT WAS GLORIOUS.