One and Done?

Gah. I feel like I write this post about three times a year.

First of all – I  feel the need to caveat all of this. Yes, there are TWO boys that live in my house. Bryan has TWO sons. Of COURSE we count both of them. But for the sake of my ovaries, I count the number of children I pushed out of my birth canal. So. That.

I am of these two very distinct minds when it comes to our family.

1) The Practical Mind

Okay, people who tell you to NOT consider financial aspects or real estate aspects or whatever aspects of your life when you debate having a baby are crazy, in my book. If we were all unemployed in mountains of debt? I would feel irresponsible having another baby. THAT’S JUST ME. But we’re  not unemployed. And we’re not under mountains of debt. We’re actually .. good, even. We can even see the end of Preschool Payments.

We live (rather tightly) in a three bedroom house. Every child has their own room. We could STAND a bigger house as it is now; having another baby would necessitate moving. Couple that with “new” car purchases in the last year that lock us into a two-kid capacity, and we’re suddenly car shopping as well. Also throw in my AWFUL and UNBEARABLE breastfeeding situation in the last round, and we’d also be back in Formula Land. (Which? Look, I would happily do again. Breast is best, but happy baby and happy momma are ACTUALLY best.) And we’d just be lining up ANOTHER preschool payment.

So another baby? Would necessitate: a new house, two new cars, a new daycare payment, and all the requisite baby stuff that we’d literally have to buy because we got rid of all of Tony’s stuff.

This is not practical.

2) My Heart

I liken it to finding your strength through exercise. The more you realize your body can accommodate, the more you want to challenge it. You’re always striving to better your time on that lap, or best your weight for the next rep. Having a baby stretched my heart so incredibly much, I wonder how much more it can accommodate.

I think Tony would be an amazing big brother.

I don’t feel done yet.

Deep down in my heart, I want another baby.

****

So there we are. Or I am.

And because we are practical people, that’s where we are. Hearts be damned.

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8 Responses to One and Done?

  1. Diana February 23, 2012 at 12:31 pm #

    so first thing is first…I so applaud your mindset on finances. It’s so true. I was SO SICK of people telling me to “have a baby” and “the money will work itself out”. Um. Really? CAUSE NO. And it was always the people who have NO IDEA how to manage their money! Riddle me that?

    BUT

    With that being said, you’re probably able to make it work if you really want to. I mean, I don’t know your situation, but you seem like a smart lady who has her things together. Type A, you know? And in the end, are you going to regret the decision to have a baby and take on all that extra financial responsibility, or the decision to NOT have one to save that financial strain? It’s personal. Totally personal.

    Sidenote: breastfeeding for the first child and second child can be VERY different experiences. It’s really quite possible that you’ll have no issues at all the second time around. I feel like there is this INSANE pressure for you to just “be able to do what is natural” and when you can’t? The stress of that just makes it worse. You get stressed out which means your baby is stressed which means NO ONE is happy and lord, we do not want an unhappy newborn. If you DO decide to have another child and you DO decide to attempt breastfeeding, I’d highly recommend a lactation consultant. And if that doesn’t work out for you? Don’t let people make you feel bad about that, either. Let the boobie police go focus on their own damn boobs.
    Diana wants you to read ..Being an Adult SUCKS

  2. kristi February 23, 2012 at 1:20 pm #

    Good luck whatever you decide. I was done at 2!
    kristi wants you to read ..Girls trip 2012

  3. Moe February 23, 2012 at 1:25 pm #

    With the 14th baby within a 6 month period amongst my group of friends having been born last night, my baby fever is THROUGH THE ROOF. My husband just turned 40, and I’ll be 33 in a few months. We’ve gone back and forth, he’s ready and I’m not, I’m ready and he’s not. Everyone says if you wait for the perfect time you’ll never have one.

    Our current situation with jobs, health insurance, home, etc. is better than it’s ever been, and that’s pushing my desire so much harder. Because even though I know it will be hard, I just know we can make it work. We’re smart, grounded people with a huge support system around us and, though there will likely be days we think “WTF were we thinking” I think the good will totally outweigh the bad and I am just so beyond ready to the plunge into parenthood. Maybe one of these days I can join the club with all of my friends! Otherwise, if we wait much longer, our kid won’t have any friends! 😉

  4. Courtney February 23, 2012 at 2:49 pm #

    Obviously, I’m a big fan of babies right now.

    That being said, thank you for pointing out financial responsibility when it comes to taking on another kid. When people asked us when we were going to have a kid, I told them that we would when we were done with our spontaneous traveling (we did this a lot our first few years of marriage). People would respond with “Oh we don’t have any money to travel so we went ahead and had kids.” Yes, because 2K out the window is just like paying for a human for the next 18+ years. But I digress.

    You wouldn’t necessarily need a bigger house or car (well maybe just one more car); the boys could share a room. Joel always liked sharing a room with his siblings.

    I know this isn’t in the picture, and if your heart isn’t going this way then just ignore what I’m about to suggest, but what about adopting? You could get a child maybe a little older (out of formula age) and have him/her melt into your family really easily. Of course adopting is expensive, but so is having a kid. Just a thought.

    I hope whatever decision you land on brings you peace. 🙂
    Courtney wants you to read ..I’m Ready

  5. Jessica February 23, 2012 at 3:41 pm #

    Aw, this has to be hard. I think it is smart to look at finances as part of a whole, because that is important! I agree with Courtney that you may not need a bigger house and two new cars, especially not right away. You are a very capable person and I think you would be able to find a way to make it work, daunting it may be now.

    The best advice I’ve been given regarding having kids is that there is never a good time, you can always find a reason to not have them.

    Good luck with whatever you decide to do, you will know what is best for all.
    Jessica wants you to read ..Jacob Says:

  6. Aunt Gee February 23, 2012 at 4:51 pm #

    Actually, Dude and I were just talking the other day about how we miss having babies in the family, but have absolutely NO desire to have one ourselves in the near future. (Just to clarify.)

    But I think you know that the second child… will not be nearly as well behaved or mild mannered as Tony. (Says the second, aka: “difficult” sibling….)
    Aunt Gee wants you to read ..Thanksgiving: A tradition steeped in blood and served with a side of artery-clogging awkward family food moments. And pumpkin.

  7. Katie February 23, 2012 at 5:59 pm #

    We have two. When we met and dated we talked about FOUR!!! (WHAT were we thinking??) It took him a while to catch up on wanting a baby. When we were both ready, we were blessed with a son. Two years later, we were both ready again. Again, easily blessed, with a daughter. (And with friends I know who struggled with many fertility and pregnancy issues, I realize just HOW truly blessed both times we were. ) I cried when we took the crib down the 2nd time. (I’m tearing up as I write this….) saying we’d never need it again. He said you never know. Maybe four years later, I start talking about a third baby. He is content…..satisfied. We have two healthy children. He doesn’t think he could handle if something was wrong this time (and of course it would be, couldn’t be that easy the third time…..). We will both be relatively young when they are out of the house, he can retire on time, we have a boy and girl, one of each…I could go on and on. All very legitimate and logical reasons.
    And still…..there is a piece of me that regrets never having that third baby. I was NEVER completely done. There is no compromise on this if partners don’t agree. Someone always “wins”. He won. And, fair or not, I will always resent him for this a little bit.
    Follow your heart.
    (My tissue is damp now…..)

  8. Julie February 23, 2012 at 7:57 pm #

    Oh my…I could have written this post myself. Even with Jackson only being 7 months old, we have already started the will there be another one discussion. Mostly I am trying to decide what to do with all the stuff we no longer need. Do I hold onto it just in case or go ahead and get rid of it with the mindset we can get more if we needed it? I think we have finally made the decision not to try again but we aren’t ready to pull the plug on so to speak on anything yet. The financial aspect is the main reason. We would both love another baby. Jackson has been great and I would like to try for a girl. But the reality is we just can’t afford another child for all the same reasons you listed here. It makes me sad and I am still coming to terms with it and I haven’t really said anything about it till now.
    Julie wants you to read ..February Photos Week 3

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