Bryan and I were having a heated conversation this weekend – about what escapes me right now – but he took a sudden diversion and when I tried to bring him back, he said, “It’s a non-starter!”
He clearly meant a non-sequitur, and I corrected him.
Bad form, Sarah.
I’ve gone almost a month without discussing any Real Housewives. But did y’all see RHoA last week when they took a girls’ trip to South Africa?
1. Um, OF COURSE THERE WOULD BE DRAMA. That’s what Bravo is banking on.
2. I had no idea South Africa looked like that. The whole episode made me feel ENTIRE uneducated about worlds beyond my own window. Although we do have a dear friend who is from South Africa and they do, indeed, sound like that.
3. Marlo. Marlo Marlo Marlo. Marlo is one of those people who cannot really connect with anyone in a normal way, so she has to feel superior to them in every aspect. My favorite – and most irritating – trait of hers is to give miniature etiquette lessons to the other girls. And while, yes, she was usually spot-on in her corrections of the other girls, it all read like she had just finished a Pretty Pretty Princess class last week, or had an marathon of Pretty Woman viewings. Mostly because: if she was REALLY versed in etiquette, she’d know that the biggest mistake you can make is to openly correct someone else.
4. Points to Sheree for knowing who Emily Post is.
I am a sneeze away from being really, really sick. I can feel it in my head, right behind my eyes, and I’m struggling to pretend it’s not there. I’m Neti-ing like a mad woman – lethal brain-eating amoebas be damned – and downing more Vitamin C than is probably healthy. Everyone around me is being felled by this same thing, a weird strain of sinus infection brought on by our unusually warm winter, and I will NOT FOLLOW SUIT.
I went running last night.
Not only that, but I went and had my stride analyzed, even though I didn’t want to. Because I was worried that putting off buying shoes would just further my reluctance to JUST RUN ALREADY, I headed out shopping on Monday night. Our local running store was closed, so I headed to Dick’s Sporting Goods to try on shoes. The customer service there was so atrocious that I literally left eight pairs of shoes strewn about and stormed out of the store.
I visited our local Fleet Feet yesterday afternoon, where the guy implored me to have my stride analyzed. I finally relented (“But I did it four years ago!”, I said.), and he gently asked if I was wearing any of the same clothes that very second that I wore four years ago. Huh. Well. Okay.
The video of my stride shocked me. I turn inward so much on my arches that it looks like .. y’all, forgive me, but it looked like Tony’s Lucky Foot. It did. I mean, it DOES. And while he was getting over the shock of my very severe stride issue, I was internalizing guilt that maybe I passed on some weird gene to Tony that gave him this deformity.
Anyway, it changed what shoe I would be buying, and I ran 2.5 miles last night without a single wince of pain. Huh. Well. Okay.
While I was running, Bryan took Tony swimming across the hall for one of his final swim lessons of this round. Um, and it was fate that I did not attend, because it was apparently Dump Children From a Boat day.
Oh, you’ve never heard of it?
They float the children in a raft into the deep end, and then flip the boat. The kids have to figure out what to do.
(They do wear life preservers for this exercise.)
… UM, I COULD NOT HAVE WITNESSED THAT. I don’t care how many lifeguards are around, I cannot watch my child flail in the water. Jesus.
Remarkably, Tony flailed only a couple of seconds, and then started floating. Turns out he’s not a candidate for Darwinism.
So it’s been clearly documented here that I have an irrational love for reality tv. It’s mostly because I can turn my brain off for an hour or so, and I’m just a voyeur at heart. One of our favorite shows that Bryan and I will watch together is anything to do with Hoarders.
There is the traditional Hoarders on A&E, which is great. But lately TLC has stepped up their game on Hoarding: Buried Alive with some really, really shocking episodes. This weekend was no different. The episode this week was AH-MAY-ZING. Here’s let’s recap.
1. The hoarders had been evicted, due to the severity of the hoard. It was pretty bad. I have never seen cobwebs like that, ever, in any of our viewings. The couple just had lost the will to clean.
2. Their 22 year old son was living in the backyard, in a tent. He chose not to go with the rest of the family.
3. The couple – the parents – were living with a friend of the family.
Okay, other than the tent thing, this is really pretty standard. As is the routine, they chose to “expose” a couple of family friends to the house, so that the hoarders can feel the full impact of how society views their living situation. For some reason, the exposure was chosen for the son .. who had only known this way of life .. and he brought over his best friend, Derrick.
Y’ALL, DERRICK WAS AWESOME. Seriously.
While you always see these poor souls walk in and recoil in disgust, Derrick didn’t. He smiled broadly, turned to his best friend and said, “Man, let’s get some of these cans in here to recycle them.” NOTHING phased Derrick. He was not judgmental, instead making LIGHT of the situation. “Man, is that.. is that a CHICKEN? Dude, you have a CHICKEN just sitting in your floor. That is just naaaasty.” I officially want Derrick on every episode of any channel’s shows about hoarding. He is who you want to reveal your family’s skeletons to.
Then the hammer dropped. Just as soon as my heart was lifted by Derrick, we learn the scandalous truth:
3. The couple – the parents – were living with a friend of the family. SAID FRIEND OF FAMILY IS THE LOVER OF THE HUSBAND. CURRENTLY. FOR A LONG TIME. AND APPARENTLY THEY WERE ALL SWINGERS TOGETHER.
Finally, I end with a bunch of pictures of us going to see my company’s new aircraft, which made a visit in our town for its publicity tour. To clarify – in all the stuff that I’ve done for my company, I had absolutely nothing to do with this plane.
Yep, I TOTALLY helped build the ream.