Sarah the Sleepless Zombie

I knew the minute I picked up Tony yesterday that I had made a grave error: I had written about him in a favorable light. On my blog. For everyone to read.

So I knew the rest of the evening would be a test of patience as well as an example of why most animals eat their young.

Now, he is always cranky on Monday evenings – as is Bryan, as am I – because we’re back into the swing of things. We’re tired, overtired most times, and we’re angry at the world. And last night was our Monday night, basically.

But I was UBER cranky. I was uber cranky because you know what? I HAVEN’T SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT IN PROBABLY ABOUT A YEAR.

Bryan snores. I love him, and I love sharing a bed with him for the most part, but the snoring is awful. And coupled with the fact that he is a Snuggler, the snoring is enough to rival the Tell-Tale Heart. (FIVE POINTS FOR A POE REFERENCE.) He’s not just across the bed and loud, he is IN YOUR EAR AND LOUD.

Which, okay, fine. I don’t mind sleeping on the couch. Well, I DO MIND, but hey. I can at least get some sleep on the couch. It’s not quality sleep, as I often have a chocolate lab in my face wondering WHATCHA DOIN? at all hours, but hey. I can manage.

Then there’s Tony. Tony has been going through what was a sleep regression but is now a full-blown justification for homicide. He wakes up two or three times a night, on average. I don’t know why he wakes up, but he wakes up, gets bored, and starts crying. WAILING. For me.

Now, Bryan has often said that he doesn’t hear this. And one night, after I’d already gotten up once, Tony stormed in our room, SCREAMING. Bryan sat up on his elbows, looked straight at him, and rolled over and went back to sleep. (In his defense, I don’t think he was awake.)(In my defense, I pulled some of his chest hairs out.)

So here is my nightly routine.

10:30 – go to bed.
11:00ish – fall asleep
1:00 – move to the couch
1:15 – WHATCHA DOIN, MOM HUMAN? WHATCHA DOIN
1:20 – fall asleep
2:30 – Tony’s first wake-up
2:45 – YOU’RE BACK, MOM HUMAN! WHATCHA DOIN NOW?
3:00 – fall asleep
4:00 – Tony’s second wake-up
4:15 – head back to my room
7:00 – Bryan’s alarm goes off

This has been going on since LAST SUMMER, guys. I am beyond tired. I don’t even know how I’m functioning, quite honestly. Occasionally I’ll get a nap on a weekend, or I’ll get to sleep late, and every now and again, Bryan sleeps in another room so I can get some sleep, but MY GOD. THIS IS SUITABLE FOR TORTURE. WHERE IS THE DAMN GENEVA CONVENTION IN MY HOUSE?

(I’m not sure that the Geneva Convention is even the right reference there because 1. Wikipedia is blacked out today in protest of #SOPA and #PIPA and 2. I HAVEN’T GOTTEN A LOT OF SLEEP LATELY.)

Someone, please tell me the magic trick to 1) make the snoring go away or 2) make Tony sleep through the night. I’ll take one or the other, honestly. But one of the penises in the house has to let me sleep before I go insane. I don’t think I’m asking a lot here.

(My MIL’s suggestion: “You should buy a four bedroom house.” YES, THANKS, THAT SEEMS REALISTIC.)

I am just really looking forward to a time when someone asks me how I’m doing and I don’t have to reply “I’m tired,” while drooling. That day should be coming in the next ten years or so, fingers crossed.

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13 Responses to Sarah the Sleepless Zombie

  1. Diana January 18, 2012 at 3:20 pm #

    I don’t know what to tell you about the sleeping baby thing (but when you figure it out you let me know so I’m prepared for it) but as for the snoring…

    A lot of times it’s caused by inflammation in the nose due to some weird “allergy”. Matt can’t be near feather anything or he snores more. Strange, I know. He went on flonase for like 3 weeks after we figured it out and we washed all the sheets, got rid of the feather pillows and down comforter (CRIED FOR DAYS) and then magically? No more snoring.

    It may not be that…but it’s food for thought!
    Diana wants you to read ..Are You Organized?

  2. kristi January 18, 2012 at 3:32 pm #

    I rarely sleep in the room with my hubby for the same reasons. We do have sex, so that’s all that matters…sleep is too important!

  3. Jenn Perryman January 18, 2012 at 3:34 pm #

    My assvice- have Bryan tested for sleep apnea, and leave Tony some books or small toys to read and play with when/if he wakes up at night. We have an easily turned on LED bedside lamp for Jacob, and if he wakes up in the middle of the night, he’s allowed to read or play (but not leave the bed) until he falls back asleep. The LED lamp is cool to the touch and uses little electricity, so I don’t worry about it being left on all night.

    I feel for you. I find myself irrationally angry when Rod snores, and having to attend to midnight child issues would, I’m afraid, push me over the edge.

  4. thecooley1008 January 18, 2012 at 3:36 pm #

    Has Bryan been tested for sleep apnea? Or does he need his tonsils/adenoids taken out? Sounds like this is affecting everyone’s health, both mental and physical. My daddy can’t imagine what life was like without his CPAP machine. He sleeps and feels so much better.

    Unfortunately I can’t offer any solid advice for Tony. I may be asking YOU in a few years! :) I seem to remember you mentioning an alarm clock with a light on it. I take it the novelty has worn off? Does Tony have anything for security like a blanket or stuffed animal? I had Daddy Baby (just a regular doll with a stupid name – his “wife” doll was Mama Baby). It slept with me until I was probably a little too old for it, but served as a nightmare confidant and snuggly companion that probably kept me from waking up the folks too much.

    I can’t say I know how you feel, but I feel for you during this tough time.

  5. Jessica January 18, 2012 at 3:40 pm #

    I usually make Chris roll over and that stops it for the most part, but if it’s more serious than that, he may want to have the sleep study done! As far as crying kids, I don’t know. Mine is getting up and coming to bed with me, which sometimes is ok and other nights it’s not. When the baby comes, it will not be ok. But I don’t know how to break him really, besides getting up and taking him back to his room, which is a lot more work than just rolling over and giving him room before going back to sleep.
    Jessica wants you to read ..17 Weeks

  6. K January 18, 2012 at 3:40 pm #

    I…I don’t even know how you are still not homicidal and/or upright and/or maintaining your sense of humor. Honestly.

    Snoring: has he even been tested for sleep apnea? T snored like a sunovabitch and once he got his CPAP (aka Scuba Steve), it was awesome. He was sleeping better, I was sleeping better, it was a Christmas miracle.
    K wants you to read ..Random useless tidbits

  7. Jennifer January 18, 2012 at 3:43 pm #

    Sarah – Oh Lord, do I understand this! My daughter basically spent almost a year getting up several times in the night and coming into our room, waking us up and asking to sleep with us. The only way we ever got a full night’s rest was to let her sleep in our bed and one of us to sleep in the guest bedroom. We could not figure out what was happening. Then we moved her to a full-size bed (out of her toddler) and that seemed to solve a lot of the problem.

    She is all over the bed at night and we think she was falling out of toddler bed which was waking her up. She still wakes up at night when she’s sick but overall, full night’s sleep. As for the snoring, I can’t help you there. We have cover fights but that’s about it.
    Jennifer wants you to read ..Pregnancy Isn’t Always Pretty

  8. Hannah January 18, 2012 at 4:01 pm #

    My husband is also a snorer, and I’m an extremely light sleeper. It sounds like an overly simple solution, but seriously those foam earplugs save me. It was an adjustment for me to get used to sleeping with something squished in my ear, but it was so worth it! I sleep so much better.

  9. Lisa January 18, 2012 at 4:05 pm #

    James is a snorer, and nothing makes me more enraged — almost to the point of homicide (ALMOST) — than snoring. He lost about 40 pounds a few years ago and his snoring just stopped. Then I got pregnant, ate ridiculous things like biscuits and gravy for dinner every night, and 15 or so of those pounds came back. (I *usually* refrain from rubbing in the fact I’ve lost the baby weight and he still has not.) Back to snoring again.

    I also have a kid up every night. It’s either rocking her for an hour every time she wakes, or sleeping with us. And if she’s sleeping with us, I can’t get out of bed because she tends to stand up or crawl before she’s completely awake and would sleep-crawl right off our bed. So on those nights, I have a toddler, cat, snoring husband, and me, all in our bed. I am so freaking exhausted.

    I feel your pain.
    Lisa wants you to read ..Stop SOPA and PIPA

  10. BrownBabys January 18, 2012 at 4:28 pm #

    Try darkening Tony’s room by moving or reducing the output of the night light. Keep it pretty serene before bed (no rough-housing) and sing a soothing song.

    BTW, you’re close enough to use your feet to ‘prod’ Bryan off the bed. Even till he hits the floor… You will learn this works pretty good once you retrain yourself to go back to sleep!

  11. bryan January 18, 2012 at 4:39 pm #

    I’m going to the doctor next week. appointment set.
    bryan wants you to read ..Local Middle School…Amazing Video

  12. Tonya January 19, 2012 at 7:58 am #

    I do think you have mentioned in the past about sleep apnea? Hasn’t he been tested and maybe even treated? Does he wear a CPAP? They in themselves are torture but most partners love their spouse wearing them because the snoring stops (or should if properly treated). I do this stuff for a living, ya know set people up on those lovely devices, so let me know if I can offer any advise in that neighborhood.

  13. Tonya January 19, 2012 at 8:04 am #

    Does Tony snore? even slightly? Just curious because children can have sleep apea too often due to tonsils and or adnoids and there is no age limit on this… Destiny (my daughter) snored like a grown man until she was 3 and had her adnoids and tonsils removed which seemed to cure the snoring as well as aid to me getting a good nights sleep….just a thought.

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