Spare me.

So, hi.  I’m Sarah Brown.  I’m a flirt.  I’ve gotten most of what I wanted through life by A) charming the men in charge or B) working my ass off.  A is easier than B.  But, in the last five years or so, I’ve depended almost solely on B.  To cover my bases, however, I’ll throw out a little A here, a little A there..

As a flirt, I know which buttons to hit.  I know to bat my eyelashes, to laugh a little too loudly at your not-so-funny jokes, and to touch you in small but noticeable ways.. my hand may rest on your shoulder, I may softly “punch” your arm in jest.. I perfected this while waitressing.  Do you know that there are statistics that prove that servers who touch their clientele make (on average) 10% more in tips?  It’s true; I can vouch for it.

But when you cross the line from harmless flirtation to full-on come-on, I’m going to stop you. 

Because, you know, I’m not available.

So take that in stride.  I won’t be rude or condescending about it.  I won’t even be offended.  I’ll be light-hearted, so we can laugh about it, and go back to what we were doing.

But don’t.. DON’T.. start questioning my dedication.  “There’s no ring on your finger” is not going to sway me in your favor.  I’m not going to look down at my bare hand and go, “OH!  Thank you, kind sir, for showing me the truth.  I’ll go with you now to Barnhills, where you can wine me and dine me to the best of your abilities.”

Also unacceptable: “I see no rock”, “You don’t look engaged”, and my favorite so far.. “You must not WANT to marry him, since you’re not wearing a ring.”

To quote my dear friend Ronda: “Well, Bryan could just pee on you.”

Welcome to 2006.  We’ve moved beyond you clubbing me over the head and dragging me by my hair to your cave.  We’ve moved past you offering to take me off my father’s hand for a small fee.  We’ve moved past you trying to get on my dance card.  We’re now at the point where (GASP!) I can make my own choices.  And, even though it’s non-traditional, I can be engaged without any outwardly notice. 

So there.  Just spare me.  You never had any chance.