I don’t know when it came up, but I was talking recently to a big-wig here at the company about the spoiling of children. I was really poking him in jest, because I knew he had his brood in a private school.. and mostly because I knew he could take it. I don’t just poke any big-wig. I carefully pick my pokeable ones.
(snicker snicker snicker)(am twelve at heart)
I was surprised to find out, however, that his kids don’t drive new or even recently-new cars. And then he gave me some of the most amazing parenting advice ever: “Kids don’t need stuff. They need two things: experience and education. We spend our money on their education and giving them worldly experiences.”
And I was all like WHOA.
Because we fail there, I think. A lot. Typically, I would be inclined to say “I fail there”, but this one is a cojoined effort. Bryan and I both work outside of the house – and we work HARD – so when we get home.. we’re tired. And it’s entirely too easy to say, “Let’s watch a movie” and then pop on some Netflix Instant something or other. And I think, really I do, that Tony needs that time to wind-down, too. After a full day of daycare, he needs some time to shut his brain off and be quiet.
But that piece – education and experiences – really resonated with me. It’s why I didn’t hesitate to haul the boys to Chattanooga for the weekend in April and take through both aquariums AND Rock City. Dude, that was NOT a cheap trip. But they’ll remember it. Tony STILL talks about it.
And it’s hard because “education & experience” takes financial planning, and .. we suck at that too. It’s a lot easier to pick up “stuff” on payday and feel like a good parent than it is to squirrel money away for a cool trip. But I think we’re working towards just that, looking at a beach vacation as the summer wraps up. Figuring out how to get away for weekends at a time instead of a big chunk of vacation. Being smarter with money.
The boys don’t need name brand clothes, or a million versions of even off-brand outfits. They don’t need more video games or more Transformers. (BumbleBee has made a grand appearance in our lives now. Hooray.) They need to go see things, breathe different air, try new foods, meet interesting people.
I don’t remember toys growing up. I do, however, remember every family trip we took to Panama City Beach, or the year we spent a few weeks in St. Louis, or the many many trips to Dothan. I firmly believe we are placing priority in the wrong things in the raising of our children, and Blog as my witness, we are about the change that.
(Y’all are to keep me accountable, FYI.)
What was your FAVORITE family experience growing up?
Whoa. This is… right on. You (and your pokeable bigwig) (snort, am also twelve) are just so RIGHT. I need to think about this some more.
My favorite childhood memories mostly center around Higgins Lake, Michigan. We went camping there with extended family and it was just magic. There are countless little memories contained within that place, and I know it probably didn’t cost a ton. It was just time with family, nothing on the agenda but hanging out.
I love this post! Nate, Mike and Grandpa are packing up right now to go stand on the shore of the river and fish. not all experiences have to be expensive (though we did fly across the country to be HERE) you can fish all over. Or, picnic, and go to museums, etc. All for very little money to help keep you “on track” when your not on a little trip. I’m so guilty of grabbing nate a car or a movie once a week when he does not need them-I need stop spending that money as it could be used for more important things. So yes- this is good, I need to work on this.
Christina – YES, I am guilty as sin of not being able to go to Target without picking Tony up a toy. LIKE HE NEEDS MORE. He’s appreciative and all, but MAN, where is the joy when it happens twice a week?
I think the experiences that count the most are the ones that cost nothing at all- like roasting marshmallows in the backyard fire pit, snuggling in the bed on a Saturday morning, or eating dinner around the table as a family. I have a very poor memory, so I don’t remember many details about childhood trips. What I do remember is that my parents were always there. They both worked full time, and schedules were often difficult. However, there was always someone in the stands or audience at every game, rehearsal, or performance. My best memories are those of feeling loved and safe. That’s what I try to pass on to my kids.
This is great. I wholeheartedly agree. I want to be able to go and do things with my family to create a bond and memories. I love watching Jacob play in his room with his toys, but I love watching him enjoy the same things at the zoo as I did when I was little. I was homeschooled so most of my memories involve me and my brothers playing in the backyard. No toys, just us and our imagination. I’m scared with all the TV, toys, games, etc. that Jacob isn’t going to have the same ability to play as we did.
I love this. It’s how I want to live MY life on my best days, so why not parent the same way?
My favorite family experiences growing up were calving with my dad. He worked outside of the town we lived in and was in charge of calving about 300 cows every year. I think our whole family loved that, I’ve got two sisters and everyone, including my mom, loved to hang out with my dad when he was working. (Plus that he worked a lot, so if we wanted to see him, that’d be the best way to do it.) Getting to experience that and learn about the cows really had a lasting effect on me. I still brag that I helped pull calves when I was in high school.
So, I went to a fancy pants private school for middle school and high school. My parents have both stated for the record that one of their biggest regrets was not being able to afford to send the older kids (being youngest PANNED THE FUCK OUT in this instance, woo!).
ANYWAY. I didn’t have the wealth my classmates did – I had a car, but it was 15 years old and was considered “the most embarressing car in the parking lot” (ah, rich kids). But I loved that school. I love my teachers, I loved the extracurriculars, I have stronger connections there than I do to my college. By my senior year I was at the school 12 hours a day – lit mag meetings at 7am, practice for this or that running past 7pm … and it was awesome. I really and truly believe that school saved my life.
I didn’t have the stuff my classmates did – no vacation homes or a seperate car for winter and summer (not even lying about that – a few classmates would have a wrangler in the summer and a grand cheeroke in the winter, OMG), but I had an AMAZING education and parents that were home when I got home every night. I value that so much that, when I look back on what I’d replicate, the biggest thing I can pinpoint is: spend the time (and money if needed) to make sure my kids are in the right-for-them* school.
(*It is worth pointing out that one of my brothers was a full scholorship to an Ivy league and loved his public school as much as I loved my private one: I don’t want this read as an ad for private education. I think I’m more trying to capture the idea that figuring out what our kids really really really need (in my case: more structure and attention) and then figuring out how to provide that is getting overlooked when trying to figure out how to buy them a new car.)
When I was a kid, we would take family vacations to San Diego, an hour away. We would rent a motorhome and stay with several other families that we had known forever. We would walk to the beach and ride our bikes and barbeque for dinner and it seems absolutely perfect. I have a seriously bad case of the gimmes lately, but it’s probably not setting a great example for my kids, huh?
We do well with not over doing the stuff but I’m guilty of not providing enough experiences. Because experiences tend to be exhausting and expensive. But you are right, I need to suck it up more and just do it. I submit to our annual family vacation with all the inlaws because I know it is building memories but I need to find a way to do more little trips.
My favorite childhood memories are odd little trips that I’m sure weren’t fun for my parents. Also odd things we did at home. I once stomped grapes in a giant trash can because my parents were making their own wine. And we had to call 911 because my dad decided to smoke a duck in the wok and inhaled so much smoke he couldn’t breath. Good times. LOL
We always took family vacations to Opryland and while we were there, we visited my extended family. I distinctly remember when Opryland was no longer there and I also remember when my parents went through a hard time financially, and we could no longer go and by the time we could afford it, it was gone and I was older.
This post was wonderful in that it put words to an idea that I’ve had based on a fear that I haven’t been able to express before. Should I ever get to the point where I get to be a mother, the “education & experience” thing is what I want to focus on. Thanks for putting this out there as something I can wrap my brian around to focus on instead of the vast (and probably unobtainable goal) of “be more good than bad”
This so SO TRUE. Wow. Definitely something to focus on in our house!!