It always happens when I get frustrated.

I’ve been bitching an awful lot on here lately.  I apologize.  It’s just been a rough few weeks.  I mean, there was that AMAZING three day weekend highlight where I got my sparkly, but that was truly a beacon in an otherwise miserably cloudy sky.

When I get frustrated, I find myself envying.  EVERYONE.  And yes, I try all that shakra shit where you count your blessings and find contentment in what you have, but MAN, that usually just pisses me off more.  I can find something to envy in EVERYONE, if I let myself. 

So I’m trying to keep that in check.  I’m just very frustrated.  And so I’m envying.

I’m envying those in my cast who really DON’T care.  How do they do that?  Where can I sign up for that apathy?

I’m envying those who have decent, running cars.  Especially if they were gifts.

I’m envying those who have the family wealth to make mistakes.

I’m trying to turn this into drive.  I’m trying to be motivated.  I really am.  I really am trying to better our situation and work hard and be the GREAT person that I am in my head.  (The person in my head is also a size 4, so I’m trying to be that too.) And I think I’m outwardly succeeding.

Last night really just pushed me over the edge.  The cast asked for an emergency rehearsal.  I obliged.  Some of us already had plans, but we made do and showed up.  And the one cast member who is leagues behind announces that he can only stay for an hour.  Um, where was this info the night before, when we were rescheduling our Thursday plans to be here?  Another cast member announces that she can’t be there Sunday night (OF TECH WEEK) because she has to work Panoply.  Um, they’re going to be rained out anyway, and JESUSGOD, it’s tech week!

Terri and I just looked at eachother.  We had stopped even throwing our hands up weeks ago.  Now it was almost humorous.

Speaking of humorous, I have an amazingly surreal story to post later.  And so I’ll end this dry rant.