“Don’t you worry, Momma. You stay here, and I will protect you. I’ll snop those bad guys. They won’t hurt you. Don’t worry, okay, Momma?”
I smile, because he’s channeling what I want to say to him on a daily basis.
I’ve written a few times about the increasing issues we’ve had with bullying at school. (Mind you, for clarification: I call it ‘school’, but it’s daycare. He’s only THREE.) Bryan had spoken to the director, who has since left the position. We saw nothing improving, so when we learned of an interim director coming in, Bryan took another opportunity to speak to her.
She was appalled. Which was the response we were looking for.
During the lengthy discussion, she mentioned that she had already been working to bring anti-bullying curriculums into the Pre-K classes, but didn’t realize the issue was as prevalent in some of the younger classes. She promised she would work to alleviate that.
We felt better.
Communication between ourselves and the staff started to improve, something we had to believe was spurned by “the talk”. When Tony had a documented incident of a classmate scratching both of his arms (elbow to wrist, poor boy), they called me as they were documenting it to let me know. I appreciated it.
Later that week, we had the same child push Tony down and a teacher let me know. She said he seemed fine, so they didn’t document it. The same kid? I asked. New kid, they answered. Doesn’t speak much English. Aggressive.
I asked Tony about it later and he said they were playing tag. Okay, cool. Kid just got a bit too rough during a game.
Last Tuesday, I went to pick Tony up. When the kids are outside playing, as I arrive, I like to sit outside and watch them. I didn’t see Tony at first glance, but didn’t think anything about it. When I walked onto the playground, I could see from the doorway that Tony was crying. Sobbing, actually. I looked at the teacher, who was closer to him than I was, and she shrugged and said, “He’s been really cranky today.”
Okay, sure. It’s also 85 degrees outside and meh, I’ve been known to be cranky from time to time.
But when Tony came to me, his face was COVERED in dirt. CAKED. His face, through his hairline, down to his shirt collar.. covered in the bright red clay we have here in the south. Baby, why are you so dirty?
“I spit it out, Momma! I no like to eat dirt! Dirt makes me sick! I spit it out!!” He was sobbing.
Why are you eating dirt, baby? “I not like to eat dirt!” I know, sweetheart. Why were you eating it?
“They made me.”
I whirled around to the teacher, furious. What has been happening here today? Again, she shrugged. “He’s seemed kind of tired today.”
That is not a valid reason.
And I picked up my sobbing child, who hung limply over my shoulder, and cleaned him up at the water fountain inside. My voice was shaking, out of anger and frustration and what I generally call “Momma Bear”.
We got home and Tony was immediately fine. Ah, the joys of being three. I, however, was not so fine. I called Bryan and tried (in vain) to relay to him what had happened without crying.
“Let me let you go,” he said, without me finishing. But I’m not done yet, I stammered. “No, let me let you go. I’m on my way there.” This is what I like to call Papa Bear.
We looked at our options. We could pull him that day. If we did that, we’d be stuck without child care at least temporarily and neither one of us were in a position to adapt to that in our jobs. We could run out the week. There were nothing but waiting lists in our neighborhood. Waiting lists and almost double the costs.
Instead, we talked.
We talked to the director, who again – APPALLED – as well as the assistant director. We implored that something be done, some actions be taken. We gave documented accounts. We spoke to the administration who has taken over the network our daycare belongs to. We gave detailed histories of the children in their classes, reminding them how staff has often been shuffled around to command that group of boys.
I think – I think - we did the right thing. There are now extra hands in that classroom. There is a staff workshop scheduled to spot and handle signs of aggressive behavior. And communication has improved even more so between ourselves and the staff.
Look, my kid is no saint. He’s also three. I realize that there’s a good chance that he’s not blameless in that situation I walked in to on Tuesday. But I know my kid, and here’s what bothers me the most: 1) my child was upset – visibly upset, sobbing, and shaken, 2) children (willingly or otherwise) were eating dirt, and 3) a teacher stood not four feet away from this happening and did not a thing.
(Also, my kid HATES getting his hands dirty. HATES it. I cannot imagine he would willingly put his hands in dirt for any reason.)
I (again) have brought up enrolling Tony in a karate class. I know that sounds counter-intuitive, but damnit, I need him to feel strong enough to say no. I need him to feel like he COULD kick-ass, but be smart enough not to. Because he IS smart enough. It’s just the strength we lack.
“I’ll snop those bad guys, Momma. Don’t you worry.”
Oh, my baby. I worry so much more than you know.
I feel your pain. When Ian was two, he was in a daycare center where he was bitten and scratched by other children. The staff did nothing and we finally found a stay-at-home mom to care for him along with her other kids. That worked for Ian and he was happy. I think educating our children about bullying starts at a very young age. You guys did the right thing. I’ll be thinking of you guys!
God, this is heart breaking to read. Poor guy. I can’t believe the nerve of that teacher.
I hope you see improvement soon.
I’m so sorry you guys are going through this.
I think the Karate class is a good idea, but they stress that it is for self defense, not aggression. You need to let him know that BEFORE he takes the classes. Yes, it builds confidence, but it should not be used as violence and it is usually better to walk away from a bully rather than confront one.
(((HUGS)))
In the classroom, you have to teach BOTH sides of bullying. What to do with angry hands, (put them in your pockets or behind your back) and what to do if somebody is not treating you nicely.
While you can still implement this at home through role play, it’s more efficiently addressed in the classroom at circle time, during story time, and during play time. They’re 3, they telegraph when they are going to get angry, so an active teacher should be able swoop in and coach them through problem solving.
Eventually, they’ll start to parrot back and practice what has been talked about in circle time. AND what’s even more amazing, is you’ll find “leaders” who will step in when they see someone else being treated unfairly.
This type of learning can start at home, but it REALLY needs to be done IN the classroom. I for one am disgusted that it has taken this long to light a fire under their booties.
heh. heh. “booty”
I know your pain. I ended up having to take E out of an after-school program when he was in 1st grade b/c of the bullying. I know it happened some in school too, I’m certain more than he told me. It’s hard. Hang in there. You’re doing the right thing.
Oh, Tony. I hate this for you and for him. I think you are doing all the right things that you can do at this point. I hope the new director lights a fire under some people to get them moving in the right direction.
Wendy wants you to read ..Two roads
Oh my. I’m so sorry that this has happened to him… I’ve had to deal with something similar (though not to this extent) at Madeline’s dayhome. It sucks all around, but Tony is lucky to have Mama and Papa Bear to stick up for him.
bessie.viola wants you to read ..blessed
Ohhhh, I’m getting all riled up Mama Bear style just reading this!
It sounds like you handled it just right, and I really hope the center gets its act together.
The Mama Bear in me wants to come down and bust heads. I am fearful of pre-school in the fall. I am a particularly potent version of Mama Bear. Hugs to you.
This made me so sad! I’m glad they will be doing more to help prevent this but shame on that teacher for being right there!
This makes me SO SAD. WHY WOULD that teacher just STAND there and blame HIM for being cranky?? GRAAAAH.
You are doing the right things. All of it. I hope you don’t have to deal with it again
Jen wants you to read ..she likes to move it- move it
Oh, this just irks me. I want to tell that teacher about herself! UGH!
I think it is awesome that you stayed on the administration and are working to resolve the problem, not only for your kid, but the other students.
Change schools. Time for preschool anyhow. CHANGE. You have given them information, they have chosen multiple times not to act. This is the “lead a horse to water” condundrum. You have a stupid horse that has want to drink. Change schools. Register him at First Methodist? It wasn’t too pricey and I know it is good…
Wow. Had no idea bullying started so young. That is so sad and I hope you’ve found a resolution. I can’t imagine the momma rage you must be feeling about it.
First off, you’re doing all the right things. Absolutely. Talking to the teachers and the Director is always the way to go.
Second, I’m really sorry this is happening to Tony. It’s not right and it is always frustrating.
My question is, when they document these incidents, do they also write something for the other child? The first daycare I worked at did that, and it was very helpful. Unfortunately the one I am at currently does not. Because if they only talk to you about it, nothing will get fixed. A lot of the problems we have with the kids that bully stem from the fact that their parents don’t know, or assume that their child was provoked.
I work in a daycare. I work with 3 year olds. I generally love them. But we do have those kids. The ones who hit and scratch for no reason other than they can. in some centers, all you are allowed to do is “redirect” them to another area, in most you can actually put them in time out. However, I feel, that if the other parents are notified of their kids bullying, it may help some. Of course it should be able to go without saying, that names are withheld. It’s always “you’re child hit/bit/scratched another child today…” and so on.
I am sorry for the teachers attitude… That isn’t right, you should never have to deal with that. I know personally that we do get tired, but that should never mean that we stop paying attention to, or caring about the kids. If you didn’t mention that to the Director, do it. I’m so sorry.
I hope this gets resolved and I hope that it doesn’t come to having to pull him out. But you’re doing the right thing.
Also, I think we may have a space open where I work. Just in case. I like it there, I trust these ladies with my kid.
Your story made me cry, made me mad, and is most parents nightmare.
My little guy is one of the larger little guys in his class, and has been confornting bullies since he was able to stand and walk. I remember coming in to class and he had his friend (a little boy from Japan, who could not speak a word of english) behind him and the bully girl just screamming and yelling at his friend about how they should not dress up in dresses.
Now I am a guys guy, and the teacher was more concerned about what I would think about my little boy dressing up in a dress than a littel bully making fun of them. I was proud of my little boy who was standing up against a bully, I was sad for his friend, mad at the teacher who just STOOD THERE, I was mad at the parents of the little bully. As time has gone on I noticed that most bullies have very little “good parentlng” moments in thier lives, and that is very frustrating.
I worry, because that is what I do about my little boy as he beceoms older will he get bullied because he is different, will he defend his friends against bullies and get hurt in the process. I woory that my reaction will put him in places he does not want to be.
We love, because we feel, we feel pain because we love and want the best.
If you feel you need to find another option, than you do–no matter the cost. No, more expensive does not mean better. My kids are old enough to no longer need daycare, but we went through 4 different ones in 4 years–I wanted to stay in the same 1 to be consistent, but when I finally felt nothing would change, we left. It was like I had a totally different kid-so happy now-and she told me things later that happened at the old place (kids eating her food. etc) that broke my heart and made me feel guilty. I recommend 3 strikes your out. Talk to the director/teachers twice, no change? Then it’s time to leave.
Gah,. I know the helpless feeling. I’m sorry you are going through this and hope you get it resolved.
We’ve gone through the bullying thing too. It sucks so hard because it is so confusing. My first reaction involved violence. Lots of it. And that is where it is good to be married. The cooler and smarter head that did not belong to me wanted to explore other options. I went to a class on bullying and something they teach is to get up in the bully’s face. Don’t say anything, just get up in their face. So far so good with that. Although I have to admit I did teach him a few things to use in an emergency. I have to be honest, I would rather go to the principal’s office to talk about why my kid threw another kid on the ground, than the nurse’s office to tend to injuries. Not right, but it’s honest.
My son is 4 and in preschool and while a private Christian school we have the same problems as other schools I see. I have thought of enrolling my son in karate too.