So.
Most of you know that my son, Tony, was born with a foot deformity. We have lovingly deemed it his “lucky foot”, and we’ve just recently started watching Finding Nemo. As much as I want to be the fun-loving, easy-going mom, I hear a LOT of myself in Marlin, Nemo’s over-protective father.
Case in point: letting him jump on a trampoline at the mall. I was FUHREAKING out. His foot! What if his foot isn’t strong enough? What if he puts undue stress on the OTHER foot as a result? OH GOD, HIS FEET ARE DRIVING ME BONKERS.
Thing is, Tony? Hasn’t noticed his feet. He made mention of his brace when he was still wearing one, but it’s been a year without a brace now, and he never mentions a difference between the two feet. (And believe me, it doesn’t handicap him AT ALL. He is as crazy and rambunctious as any two year old.)
SO .. do I tell him?
Here’s my two schools of thought:
School A – we’re going to have to have major surgery on this foot, probably in the next two or three years. It will be a painful recovery, as we’re most likely having to do a bone-lengthening procedure on this foot to even out his legs. Wouldn’t it be less confusing or less shocking if he knew ahead of time that one foot is different than the other?
School B – why make a mountain out of a molehill? He’s perfectly happy as is. Why create some sort of issue where there currently is none?
I really will listen to all suggestions, but please, don’t get preachy on me. There are not words for how heavily this weighs on my heart, so please be respectful. To me and to eachother.
Or as Tony would say, “Love EVERYBODY!!”
My gut is to wait. If he doesn’t notice, I don’t really see any reason to bring it up. I mean, doesn’t he already know that one foot is different? I mean, just by comparing it? If it doesn’t bother him now, I would just wait.
I would wait too. I’m sure he will start to notice the difference as he gets a little older and will say something then. No need to confuse him until he brings it up!
Why can’t you do both?
*waits for the stunned silence*
Alright, you know we adopted both our kids. So do we tell them when they are young or do we wait till they are older? We do both.
We celebrate adoption day (much like you guys have a “lucky foot”) and we don’t hide the fact that they are adopted (don’t know how you hide a foot,) But we also don’t make a big deal about it. It’s just… out there.
So when they are ready, or if something comes up medically (we are in touch with the birth family) we can explain more when we must, or when they want to know more. It won’t come as a shock, they’ve been exposed… but we don’t put more on them than they want or need.
Anyway, that’s how we deal our difference. As The Boy gets older and older and skinnier and skinner, his difference from us is going to get as obvious as anything else.
BTW, I’m almost positive, based on twitter and stuff, that I recognized your boy on the bouncer. We didn’t get close enough to check, and I didn’t see you or B, but I saw the boy and thought he was yours.
I honestly don’t know. You might want to talk to a child psychologist. Seriously. They’ll be able to help you make an educated choice and suggest a strategy that works for Tony
SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH HIS FOOT?
Telling him and preparing him for the pain of the surgery isn’t going to make it hurt any less or make being in pain any more understandable today – so I say keep on keepin on.
I had lucky feet when I was little! I guess in-utero I was stuck in a bad position for the last bit and my feet were essentially pointing sideways when I was born. I had to wear special shoes that pulled my feet in for the first almost 2 years of my life. Kept me from walking until older than Tony even is now. My parents never “hid” it from me, but it wasn’t a big deal either. Just like, “Yeah. You’re double jointed because your feet were pointing the wrong way when you were born. No biggie.” So I grew up using it as a funny story to tell whenever I wanted something to blame my klutziness on, but other than that? Not a big deal.
So…that’s how my parents handled it and that’s the effect it had on me. Not really advice, just anecdotal information so you can take it and do with it what you’d like!
I would mention it every now and then casually, just to, like you said, not making a mountain out of a molehill. Just so that he knows that one day a doctor is going to make his foot all better. Then as surgery approaches, he won’t be shocked to learn of it, but he won’t have this fear of something big and scary. He will probably be ready by age four or five, when I am gathering this surgery will happen, to soak up what’s actually going on. When I worked pediatrics, I learned that children do best when they are given honest answers to their questions without TOO much info. By five I would guess that the idea of the ‘pain’ would occur to him and he might ask. He might not. But that will be a bridge to cross when you get there, because you will know your child and – as you are a preparing kind of girl – you will be preparing yourself for how best to deal with it.
And most peds ortho surgeons are great at helping parents deal with these things when they arrive at them. I have full confidence that you will handle things beautifully!
MLB had 3 operations for his cleft by the time he was 6 months old to get him what they call “functional:” 2 at three-months to repair the lip & gum and another at six-months to repair the palate. In the next two years, he had to have ear tubes replaced twice. All during this time, it was a BIG DEAL to us adults, but something we didn’t “prep” him much for since he was so young– aside from nothing-by-mouth-after-midnight.
We’d tell teachers about it, but we wouldn’t make a big deal out of it except to remind them to put sunscreen on his scar. Adults notice & get concerned & I have to tell a whole long story. Kids notice, get told he had an operation & they’re done!
For the most part, we haven’t made a big deal out of it, even at his last surgery when he was 4-years-old. The “P-flap” recovery even included an overnight stay (by protocol only) in the Ped-CCU; pretty scary stuff for an adult, but we didn’t tell him a thing, because we knew the anticipation would drive him nuts, and he wouldn’t quite understand.
It’s only been as we’ve approached First Grade that we’ve talked to him a bit more about what it all “means.” But the gist for him is still, he was born with his “lip in his nose,” he had surgeries, there’s still more stuff to come, he’s NOT different. (At least not with that—his ADHD/Asperger’s? Well, we’re working on that, too, but that’s a bit bigger deal.)
You best know Tony’s level of understanding and his anxiety threshold. He’s only 2-ish, right? Me? I’d say let him test his limits, and if you’re concerned he’ll strain some ligaments & tendons, check with a jock-doc & get some ortho stretches so he can have his own “boot camp.” How to explain to other kids? It’s just the way he was made & the “lucky foot” will catch up to the other just like everyone else’s– someday. And don’t concern him about the “someday” until the someday arrives.
In other words, keep going with your current “School B.” (I might be able to get MLB on that bungee thing– don’t think I could talk him into the rock-climbing wall over at the other mall. Wait, you don’t want T-man to know about that wall, right? I can see him all over that like an ant on a tree!)
Matthew has worn something on his foot from 4 days old until now at 7 1/2 yrs. It has been casts, shoes and bar, and various AFO’s. He has never gone more then a few days with nothing on his foot.
He has never really asked either. I find that beautiful. That he accepts this without question.
We knew from the start he would need some surgeries as well. We waited to talk to him about it until he asked, or surgery was upcoming. He never asked and when he was 4 1/2 yrs we found out his big surgery would be in 6 m. That was when we started to talk to him about it.
We told him that when he was born his foot didn’t work properly and that the doctor was going to operate to try and fix it. The only question he asked was will they cut my foot open. I had to say yes and he was really freaked out about it. We got books about hospital stays and operations. Prepped him as best we could.
In hindsight, I would have waited until 6 weeks before to talk to him about it. But that is Matthew. He is prone to nightmares and this didn’t help. That said, by the time the surgery happened, he was relatively calm going in.
I didn’t tell him how much pain he would be in (he also had some bone surgery). Looking back, there was no point, he could not have understood the level of pain and it would have scared him too much. That is was IV morphine is for.
I’m not sure how bad Tony’s LLD is at the moment. Matthew’s is only 1/2 inch but he is able to do anything he wants with it brace on or off. He has a lift on all his shoes and that really helps with the hips and back.
Hope some of my ramblings helps.
I would wait and see if he asks about it. He goes to the doctor for it, right? At some point he’s going to ask about that, and if he doesn’t and surgery time rolls around, bring it up then.
Not to make a laughing matter out of this *at all*, but if you talk to him now it will be like vacation. “Mommy, is it time for my foot surgery yet? Is it today? Is it tomorrow? How many days away is it?” That is, if he is like every other child his age that resides on this planet.
You’ve handled this really well, sweetness. I’m proud of you.
You should ask my mom how she handled me. I had major eye surgery when I was 5. Of course now I don’t remember much of it except the actual surgery and recovery and I don’t know how much I was told before hand.
He is young and won’t be phased too much by most anything and may not understand what “surgery” will be like. I agree that if he asks at the doctor’s office then would be a good time. As long as your doctors and hospital staff are amazing w/ kids he AND you should get through all of it very well.