EDWARD DOES NOT COUNT AS A VAMPIRE.

I.. I just don’t get it.

I TRIED.  I did.  I got halfway through the first lunar book (something about some celestial body) and you know what?  I HATED IT.  I hated Edward, I hated Bella, and I hated Bella’s Dad.  That was as far as I got.  I hated the rain and the damn cold of that damn town and I threw the book across the room because if I had to read one MORE FREAKIN’ EMO-RIDDEN WORD ABOUT BEING A TEENAGER I WAS GOING TO TAKE A BATH WITH A TOASTER.

I know.  I know a lot of you hate me now.  You hate me hard.  And you know what?  I’M FINE WITH THAT.

Because I?  Am a vampire fan.  Like, a true one.  I read Vampire Diaries BEFORE THERE WAS A CW SERIES.  I read Anne Rice when I was TWELVE.  And if you liked Twilight?  Try reading it in its original incarnation: IT’S CALLED THE SOOKIE STACKHOUSE SERIES. 

Because you know what, guys?  VAMPIRES HAVE SEX.  They have sex, they like sex, and they have it.  And this crap about waiting because of the implications and the ramifications of their lovemaking?  BULLSHIT.  I call bullshit on it.

But if you’re into the Diet Sookie stuff, that’s fine.  I won’t begrudge you.  I know a LOT of my friends are the people who lined up at the movie theatres to watch the midnight premier.  More power to those people.

I am just not one of them.

14 Responses to EDWARD DOES NOT COUNT AS A VAMPIRE.

  1. Chibi Jeebs December 1, 2009 at 3:23 pm #

    Actually, I kinda love you (more) for this. ;)

  2. Manofanhour December 1, 2009 at 3:41 pm #

    THANK YOU FOR THIS.

    I thought I was the only one who was over the series before it started.

    Lestat was a vampire, Marious sure as heck was also, but this Dawson’s coffin vamp crap has gone too far.

  3. AndreAnna December 1, 2009 at 3:42 pm #

    You follow me on Twitter so you saw me yesterday after seeing New Moon.
    There are no words to accurately describe the ridiculousness of that movie.

  4. bessie.viola December 1, 2009 at 3:42 pm #

    Seconding Chibi. I sort of loathe the books, but I read them all. I’ll be going to the movie, but to snark. My sister is reading them and is all involved in it and OH how I love to pick on her about them.

    But, yeah. Twilight is nothing to get all het up over. And I’m embarrassed for the Twilight moms.
    .-= bessie.viola´s last blog ..creatures great & small =-.

  5. Sarah Lena December 1, 2009 at 3:47 pm #

    My friend on Facebook (also a Sara) suggested we all try “Women of the Otherworld” series. (here: http://www.amazon.com/Bitten-Women-Otherworld-Book-1/dp/0452286034/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1259700426&sr=8-1). I’m in.

  6. Jamie December 1, 2009 at 3:52 pm #

    YES!!!

    I read the whole damned series and after I painfully finished each one, I’d literally throw the book across the room. You’d think I’d quit, but I had EVERYONE telling me how great and awesome it was and I thought it has to get better! It will be worth it! No. It wasn’t worth it. Awful. Just plain awful. The series actually gets WORSE with each book, so you were smart to quit while ou were ahead.

  7. Jess December 1, 2009 at 5:24 pm #

    For those who love snark and wanna know what happens in the books (without reading them or seeing the movies) I suggest you read these for blog posts :

    http://stoney321.livejournal.com/317176.html

    http://stoney321.livejournal.com/317857.html

    http://stoney321.livejournal.com/318658.html

    http://stoney321.livejournal.com/319735.html

    I have trouble getting her snarky comments out of my head everytime I watch commercials for the movies or hear people talking about the characters/actors. Definitely a must read!

  8. BrownBabys December 1, 2009 at 6:54 pm #

    Anything that motivates your sister to read a BOOK, much less a series of books, deserves to be lauded! I’m just sayin.

    Yes, Sarah, even yo Momma went to see ‘New Moon’ this Sunday past.

  9. Bryan December 1, 2009 at 7:14 pm #

    You know…vampires are fiction…right?

  10. Delle December 2, 2009 at 6:44 am #

    I think you have skipped over a monumentally important point, which pokes serious holes in your whole “the plot sucks argument.” The werewolf was H-O-T. Bella, Edward, sex, blah, blah, blah. That werewolf guy was H-O-T, and they somehow justified the fact that he, along with the other wolf boys, should prance around half naked the entire movie while all of the woman kept their clothes on. And THAT is what saves the plot-line. My argument wins. That is all…

  11. Amy December 2, 2009 at 10:10 am #

    Thank you. I have not read the books, and everyone has told me I’m crazy. I had not seen the movies, and everyone has told me I’m crazy. My family watched New Moon this weekend, so I thought it was a good chance to get caught up.

    I’d rather be behind. The whole way through, I thought, “You’ve got to be kidding me. THEY’re crazy.”

  12. Melissa December 2, 2009 at 11:48 am #

    Taking a bath with a toaster. Love it.

  13. Michelle Smiles December 2, 2009 at 4:57 pm #

    I have to admit that I feel a little smug in my refusal to read the series or drool over the guy who needs to wash his hair and the kid who needs to put on his shirt. I have read a couple of the Sookie books and thought they were fun. I have the first season of True Blood from the library sitting on my counter right now (yikes…I need to get watching).

    And LMFAO at the poster.

  14. Michael December 11, 2009 at 8:31 am #

    Look. It’s simple. Really it is.

    Vampire + Sun = Inferno.

    Vampire + Sun Sparkles

    Anything else you say about that stupid, vapid, worthless series is superseded by the fact that the “vampires” sparkle in the sun. That’s not a vampire. It’s a gay emo teenager fantasy. Here, let me write you a summary:

    ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST WOE IS ME ANGST ANGST ANGST LET’S TALK ANGST

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