I was lucky enough to visit New Orleans again this past week, and as I tend to do when I’m traveling, I was able to catch some movies on glorious premium channels while I was there. (I am the only person in the world to not have HBO or Showtime, and am therefore forced to read the premium series like “Dexter” and “True Blood”.)
The first night, Marley and Me was showing on HBO2.
I could not call my husband to say goodnight because I was sobbing so hard. I wish I was kidding. I sobbed through the whole damn movie. Because, um, HELLO, it mirrored my life in several aspects. Especially with Beau as our new family member, where life repeats itself and we’re having to wedge a new lifeforce into an established routine.
Everyone in the neighborhood has met Beau now, because he is definitely Charlie in another body as far as him being the canine Houdini. The dog finds ways to wriggle out of any fence, and does so in record time. We’ve met several neighbors who have been kind enough to occupy Beau in enough time for us to come reclaim him. And, sadly.. it took a puppy with big ole wrinkles to get us to meet our neighbors.
But where I got irrationally angry with Marley and Me was when Jennifer Anniston (as the wife to Owen Wilson’s character) decided that she would not work anymore. It was hard, she said, balancing work and motherhood. It was hard, and she felt like she was failing at both jobs because of it, and because it was hard, she would make a choice. She would stop working to be a mom.
And what did Owen Wilson say?
Well, admittedly, we don’t know because then a montage started that showed them moving to a bigger home to accomodate the new child, one that had a nicer kitchen AND a pool and they upgraded to a minivan (of course, because what else would you drive with TWO children, right?), but then there were two babies and happiness and laughing and a huge family plus this goofy and hysterically awful dog.
And I’m riled even TYPING that, because, um.. where’s my CHOICE? When do I get to make a CHOICE? Did I sleep through that CHOICE MAKING DAY? Where I get to say, “You know what? This is really HARD, this working and mothering thing, so um, I’m just gonna not, okay? Just take this second income and shove it, because I’m just not going to choose between working and my child.”
(Sidenote: I have literally fished 5 [FIVE] things out of Beau’s mouth through the typing up to this point. I say “BEAU” more often than I say “TONY” or even “BRYAN”.)
And really? What makes me the most angry of all? Is that she’s right.
I can’t have another baby with this situation. I can’t have another child that I only see an hour a day. It’s just not fair to them. It’s not. It’s not fair to Tony, it’s not fair to me, it’s not fair to anyone. And to subject another child to my lack of availability? Is not fair. It’s not.
I have tossed and turned over this since I saw the movie. And I really have come to the conclusion that I don’t want to mother this way. I don’t want my child to spend eight hours of his early childhood being passed from minimum-wage earner to minimum-wage earner. And that’s not to downplay Tony’s daycare workers.. there are some that we feel are family and I WOULD willingly leave my child with them. But that’s not all of the people he spends his days with. And there are some that I DON’T like, and HATE leaving my child with.
I am not a good mother right now, mentally, and I feel the need to acknowledge that. I work an average of ten hours a day, seeing my child for MAYBE two hours in a 24 hour weekday period. That’s NOT acceptable. And even that time is often comprimised by my not being able to step away from work mentally, or being too tired from work to perk up, or me stretching myself to a breaking point to try and be “there” for Tony.
And then there’s the EVER present Mommy Guilt, where any time that I spend on me feels like I’m borrowing it from someone else. If I don’t pick up Tony from daycare right away and instead go grocery shopping, then every child I see at the grocery store pulls on every heartstring to remind me how much I’m sucking as a mother. If I get dinner on the table, dishes washed afterwards, the baby bathed and put to bed and I go running? Then I feel like I’m taking time away from my husband. I geniuinely feel that I would be more comfortable spending time on myself if I had more time available that I would normally spend working.
Lastly, I strongly feel the need to say that I don’t judge any of you reading this for whatever YOUR choice is. We’re all wired differently, no doubt, and some women LOVE being moms who work outside of the home. Some women could not imagine being anything BUT a stay-at-home mom.
I just feel, right now, that there is so little of me to go around that I couldn’t imagine splitting what IS available down one more time, depriving my current family members just a little more and bringing some poor baby into an already sparse situation.
Now that I’ve dumped all that on you, Beau is running around with a bra. I’m sure it is not his, and I think I should retrieve it.
WERD. I’m with you. My CHOICE DAY was the day those shiny plastic credit cards showed up in the mail and my stupid, uninhibited, childless self went swipe swipe swipe, and the credit card companies went cackle cackle cackle, and now when I WANT to give myself more to my two kids years later, I can’t because I’m still paying that shite off and will be until the end of time. I can’t quit my job, even though I don’t like the mother I am because so much of my time is absorbed by working/traffic. For me, perfection would be a part time job at my kids’ school. A little daycare for the baby, and I’d be off all the same days/times my kids are.
I hope you’re in a position that’s more flexible than mine, so you actually have choices and can better your situation. And no, those fucking pants didn’t make my ass look good enough for this.
Andrea´s last blog ..My New Daughter-In-Law & The Fork In the Road
Crying now. Love you, and love what you wrote here. It’s all so true, every word of it. I’m feeling like a hamster on a wheel over here, and EVERYONE is suffering. The symptoms of my suffering are showing up everywhere.
I’m trying. My husband is trying. We’re ALL trying and yet – I can’t shake the feeling that This Is Not What It’s About. This is not what I pictured.
Yet, I can’t help but want another baby. I want Madeline to have the chance to be a sister.
Something’s gotta give. I’m going to rent that movie tonight and have myself a good ol’ Ugly Cry.
xoxo
bessie.viola´s last blog ..a few things
I totally get this. I mean, I made The Choice myself 7 years ago and I’ve worked a loose tutoring schedule since, but I went back to work full-time this fall just “to see.” Yeah, ok. My family totally suffered. My very patient husband got a LOT dumped on him. I totally suffered. I started gaining weight back and losing strength and flexibility because I felt guilty taking time for me. So I stopped going to work out with my trainer much (I made it to 8 sessions in the 11 weeks I was teaching. I went to the gym other times, but not the 3x/week minimum I was going this summer).
I can’t do any job (except housework) halfway. That includes working; that includes parenting. So when I’m a teacher? I am 100% present and available for those kids — they would text message me at home on the weekends and I would ANSWER them. But truly? Parenting trumps working in importance. It’s much more important to me that my children have ME than it is that they have generous Christmas presents. They’d rather have me anyway, you know? So I’ll miss the money, sure. But I definitely won’t miss wishing I was Elastigirl and could stretch to cover everything.
The job is over, and I rejoice. My girls can find underwear and socks in the morning because I’ve had time to do laundry, I’m able to find the time to cook dinners again, and I’m not having to parcel out carpooling to babysitters and grandparents to get the girls to/from ballet and drama classes. I’m still decompressing from working, though — I can feel that. Today, for instance, I watched time run through my fingers and I actually feel guilty that I didn’t bother to clean the kitchen better or fold the laundry on the dining room table. But damn. I’ve been going with the pedal to the floor since the end of July and you know what? I’ve earned a day of sloth. Tomorrow I’ll get off my ass.
But yeah. I get where you’re coming from, even though my experience was short-term and with older kids. But it totally sucks that I haven’t been the one helping with homework and getting them organized for school. That’s MY job. And I couldn’t do it.
Elaine P´s last blog ..Rest in Peace, Abbey and Minuet, 1993 – 2009
I’m sorry you’re feeling all of this. I absolutely know the feeling of not having enough of you and feeling like you’re “borrowing” time from one person if you take any for yourself.
It sucks.
AndreAnna´s last blog ..Because it feels like a bullet sort of day
This makes me so sad. My job sounds less time-intensive than yours, but I know these feelings all the same. Lately we’ve had sickness after sickness in our house and it’s thrown all balance out the window and yeah, it’s hard, and I often feel like I’m failing at everything.
I like working. But it feels like a very big compromise sometimes. I wish I could work closer to home. I wish I could have dinner ready every day for my boys. I wish it wasn’t all so incredibly exhausting.
Sundry´s last blog ..Decision tree
I am so sorry. The Mom Gig is TOUGH. (I haven’t seen Marley and Me, but um- she QUITS her job and they get to move into a bigger house? WTF kind of reality is that??) I don’t have any answers or advice- because like you said, everyone is wired differently and there is no Right or Wrong answer for the Mom or the Kids.
*hugs*
Jen´s last blog ..we’re baaa-ack!
If it makes you feel any better. Jennifer Anniston’s real life is the Pitts. Literally. Her husband left her for a gorgeous, crazy-ass baby hoarder and now she’s stuck in an “are they/aren’t they” with John Mayer.
Sure, he makes all womens’ pants fall off, but we all know there’s no longevity there. Life on the road provides to many opportunities for infidelity, and we ALL know that’s the LAST thing Jen needs…ANOTHER cheater.
See? EVERYBODY’S life sucks. Doesn’t that make you feel better?
Props to you Sarah. I don’t have kids, but I’ve long decided that I will only part time when I do. I will find a way to make it work even if it means no pizza or cable or whatever. I had a stay at home mom for many years and then she had to go back to work and you know what? It sucked. A lot. It still sucks because all of those things she did to make our lives nice, like cleaning, decorating for holidays, cooking dinner…all that stuff that doesn’t SEEM like much? We miss it. A lot. And when she went back to work I, at 13, became the second mom. The third partner in a strange marriage. It’s not a fair thing to do to a kid. And even now the more she has to work the further apart our family is stretched. She’s sort of like the glue and and as many dinners as I can cook or loads of laundry I can wash…I can’t be that glue.
From another perspective- I was raised by a working mom who (as you well know) was incredible at her job. She worked long hours, we ate out lots, grandparents and aunts helped, etc. AND, we somehow were still “poor.” Now I, because of the example SHE sat, am awesome at what I do. I have passion for my work as well as my family. And it is hard, but I know that it works out in the end because I am going to set the same example for Matthew that my mom set for me.
You and I come from hard working and hard loving people. That is why we also have very stressful lives that often make us feel like we are stretched too thin. But, would you REALLY want it any other way? Besides, if you quit work, what would you blog about;)? Hang in there. This is part of who you are. It is tough being great at everything! And you are…
Even on the days that I would love to put on heels and go to a meeting and then have lunch with grown ups, I am so aware that I am lucky that I had a choice to stay home with my kids. Most days I wouldn’t trade it.
Michelle Smiles´s last blog ..Roar
Oh, honey. I feel for you. Deeply. I am seriously sympathetic to your position. I wish I had something to tell you to make you feel better.
I have spent the last 20 years staying home and raising children and now have “inherited” my invalid MIL.
I truly do feel a spoiled by it. Well, not the taking care of the MIL, but you know… the children.
However, I am the first to admit that in this economy it is almost impossible to do that. I was just quite fortunate.
Hang in there!
Krissa´s last blog ..My life used to be different.