First of all, thanks to all for the outpouring of love and support over the last post. The many comments, emails, and messages from you guys have REALLY put my head and heart in the right place. And most importantly, I’m newly determined to make this a temporary thing. Well, I say that.. but I AM working at one of my FAVORITE clothing stores, so I can’t say I won’t keep at least one shift FOR-EV-ER just for the fabulous discount.
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Much frazzle in the internetz about being a stepmommy. You can go read the various posts and kind of decipher your own opinions, because, you know, like assholes and whatnot. But I CAN say this:
I’m not sure I agree with any of them.
I didn’t dive into being a stepmother. To be honest, although I’m a stepmom in title, I’m not sure that I FEEL that way about it. Do I love Jack? Why, yes, I do. Very much. And I’ve been a part of his life for a LOOOONG time now. But would I put myself so highly as to say that I’m a stand-in for his own mother?
No. No, I wouldn’t.
There are many ways to be a fabulous stepparent, and not all of them go in perfect harmony together. Not all of them are logical. And all of them are a case-by-case basis. I chose not to dive in and be the mom-substitute. While I made occassional appearances at sporting events and birthday parties and offered to help where I could do so, I made SURE that I was never stepping on toes. If there was a party being thrown for Jack, I made sure to never send any baked goods or monetary item that would “out-do” his mom. That’s not my place. I’ve never, ever asked him to call me Mom. Even on Mother’s Day, I feel awkward receiving anything from him. When Bryan and I were first getting married, I remember Jack happily exclaiming that he “now has TWO mommies!”. That statement still hurts me to the core.
None of THAT is reflective of my affection towards him. It is mostly based in respect for his biological mother. I have seen the stepmothers who bring hand-made candy to the birthday party where the biological mom (you know, the one with the child full-time who actually handled everything else) is frazzled and exhausted and barely got a cake together. I’ve seen the stepmothers who attend the child’s extracurriculars dressed to the nines, while the rest of the bleachers was filled with denim capris. I’ve seen that. I’m not that woman. I’ve always felt it necessary to dress to the level of the biomom and NOT a step above. I’ve run home from work to change before attending a function because I knew I would be too dressy.
This, obviously, is just my side of the fence. Being a stepparent (or bonus parent, if you prefer that term) is BY FAR the hardest job I’ve ever had. It’s like parenthood on steroids. It’s parenting through a glass pane, and knowing that you can’t truly take credit for any of the good that comes from it.
For the steps/bonuses that read my site, what would you say was the hardest thing you had to learn?
Jack loves you very much. I think you balance stepmomdom very well. I’m always proud of you, and I think jack’s a better person because you are in his life.
My hardest lesson was finally learning that I couldn’t “fix” all the things their biological mom had done that hurt them so deeply.
I’m a full time stepmom, so my situation is a bit different, but I did have to learn the balance all the same.
I’m not a step-mom but I have a step-mom and I do think she contributed to (and can take some credit for) the person I grew up to be. She came into my life 25 years ago and when I was a teen I was evil to her just like I was to my biological parents. LOL
In some ways my mom and stepmom are very alike and in others they are VERY different. As a child growing up I had the opportunity to see different perspectives on things from two strong, confident women. They were each role models to me although their roles were in fact different.
Their chosen paths in life were not always the same which taught me that I had options for my own life. I have tons of respect for them both but I respect different traits/qualities about each.
My step-mom never came in and tried undoing, fixing or over-riding anything my mom did. She also didn’t let us kids walk all over her. She walked the line (a difficult line to walk) with patience and grace and god bless her for it because 25 years ago there weren’t websites and books dedicated to helping women learn to play the step-mom role.
KathyHowe´s last blog ..The day in review and a big reveal
Um.
Holy schnikes.
Sorry about the RAMBLING comment. Wow.
KathyHowe´s last blog ..The day in review and a big reveal
I would say that my respect for you as grown ten fold. It seems that in the few years since I first met you, you have become someone that I think everyone should want as a friend. Your stepson should be proud to have you in his life as a support to his parents. Way to Go!
I’m not a step-mom, but I have step-in-laws and I have to say, I think that your instincts are absolutely correct. You sound like you handle what’s potentially a flammable situation with a lot of dignity and grace… Kudos, Sarah.
bessie.viola´s last blog ..sliding doors
Now that Drew is 16… the older they get the harder it has become. They get into bigger situations and handling the situations gets more awkward. One minute I’m annoyed that I often still get ignored when I’m the only “parent” around to be in charge. Next minute, like last night, when Dad was here and we we all discussing the latest issue with Drew I felt out of place.
Damned if I do, damned if I don’t is how it usually feels. Maybe I’ll figure it all out by the time the youngest (9) graduates.
Geoff´s last blog ..Wii Sports Resort