I love living in Alabama. I really, really do. The people here are amazing, and the food? Oh, don’t even get me started on the food. The weather is mild, other than the occasional tornado, and the sunsets are strokes of magic.
But there’s one thing about Alabama that severely grates on my nerves.
It is illegal in our state to sell sex toys.
And that? That, my friends, is just stupid.
In my state, you can buy a gun. You know, you can actually buy your KID a gun. In fact, one of my workers bought his five year old daughter a pink gun for Christmas. (The pics were actually very cute and precious.) You can walk into any WalMart and purchase bullets. If you’re of the right age, you can buy tobacco, alcohol, and a host of other things that can eventually kill you.
Has anyone ever been killed by a vibrator? ANYONE? And, frankly, if they have, wouldn’t that be Darwinism in action?
I’ve been a long time friend and fan of the sex toy stand. In Louisiana, the Adult Emporium in Alexandria knew me by name. When I managed a visit to Minneapolis/St. Paul, I made SURE to visit Sex World, a three-story mecca. And locally, we have Pleasures in Huntsville, who is struggling to continuously fight the battle and maintain the right to remain open.
I ranted on a blog about this, and Drew from EdenFantasys contacted me to commisserate on this unholy law, especially since his site offers a fabulous array of sex toys and lingerie. After a few brief exchanges, he asked the most amazing thing I’ve ever been asked: “Would you like to review one of my products?”
And the angels sang, and the clouds parted, and all was well with the world.
I visited the website one night with Bryan looking over my shoulder, and I just drooled. Did you know that some vibrators cost upwards of $150?! Holy crap!! Naturally, I REALLY wanted to try one of those (do they cook dinner for you first and then do the deed?), but something else caught my eye:
The Hitachi Magic Wand Vibrator.
I had been exposed to the tale of this particular toy twice. Once, when I was playing a Fairy Godmother in a children’s production and the male director (I kid you not) asked if I owned the Hitachi, and when I shook my head in a totally naive grossed-out way, suggested I would live to regret it if I did not run out and by myself one immediately. And of course, everyone remembers the Sex & the City episode where Samantha tries to return hers to Sharper Image.
And I was all, “YEAH! That’s what I’m talking about! A sex toy you could buy at Sharper Image! Cause it’s classy!”
The box arrived like a godsend on the day after we learned about The Tax Situation of 2008, and I was giddy to try it. I actually tried it on Bryan first.. ON HIS SHOULDERS, YOU PERVERTS, GEESH.. and I’ll be dadgummed, the thing is quite powerful.
Pros:
- It plugs in. No more checking out shame at Costco when you have 3 48-packs of batteries in your cart! (THEY KNOW.)
- The instruction manual was very cheeky, which tickled me. They wrote it so that THEY KNOW what you bought the thing for, but they’re gonna pretend ::winkwinknudgenudge:: that you want it for MASSAGE.
- It resembles a microphone, which is what you can tell your kids it is. And then giggle with sadistic glee that they’re crooning “Smoke on the Water” into a sex toy.
- HOLY O, BATMAN. Seriously. SRSLY. OHMYHEAVENS.
Cons:
- It really is a bit bulky. You catch on after awhile, but it’s quite large. (THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID.)
And the best part..?!
Drew at EdenFantasys has given me the privilage of awarding one to a lucky reader! I AM SO EXCITED TO DO THIS! I so often review stuff, but I rarely get the opportunity to share a great thing with you!
Okay, so here’s the deal: leave me a comment telling me the name of your favorite sex toy. And I don’t mean “Hitachi Magic Wand Vibrator”.. I mean, “Mr. Purple” or “The Great White Hope”. We all know we give our toys names. What’s yours? (Mine are listed up there, btw. I haven’t named the Magic Wand. Maybe Bibbity Bobbity?)
Leave your sex toy name in the comment section, and if you’ve never owned one or you don’t name them, leave that too! I’ll keep this contest running a full week, so a winner will be chosen NEXT WEDNESDAY. I’ll put reminders up before the end, but get in quick! (One comment/entry per person, pretty please.)
HAVE FUN, AND GET VIBRATING!!
so um, yeah. I’ve never had a sex toy- we’ve never even talked about having one- I mean- not to toot any horns but things are good- I’ve not once considered adding to an already working routine……. should I/we?? Hmmm.
Christina’s last blog post..Never Done
Well.. honestly? I know a lot of men are intimidated by sex toys. They immediately start assuming that the toy provides something that THEY aren’t providing. Which could not be further from the truth.
What I LOVED about this toy was that you seriously could just use it as a massage tool.. and a very effective one, at that. And trust me.. the massage will lead to other things..
I have a toy chest. Teehee. I only have one that has a name… Gator. And I sh!t you not, it looks like an alligator (well, an alligator’s TAIL, not his chompers, that would suck and not in a good way!).
Tried him once, Gator and I are no longer friends. Would love to fill Gator’s space with the wand!
Fun times!!
OH… I simply love your post. This is an awesome subject! I have several toys but no names for them… I just open them up and experiment and that is that. lol I do tend to buy the less expensive type because I am cheap, but willing to purchase a more expensive one if it is really that WOW factor. Hats off to you for your post! Great job!
It’s not super creative but I love my Bunny. I’m on my 4th generation. I have a wonderfully romantic full service toy store in my town that even offers classes! Seriously! I once took a striptease class taught by a gay exotic dancer named Fantastic George. I cannot imagine living somewhere that has banned the sale of toys. That’s just plain unconstitutional!
SassyPants’s last blog post..I’m an artiste
Soooo, I have several and have lost several in battle
However, none of mine have cool names. I have a single favorite that stays within reach and we simply call it “The Toy”
I know – B-O-R-I-N-G
Of course, my husband won’t even let me name his stuff, so the toy is better than nothing I suppose.
One question: how cumbersome is the electrical cord? I’ve never had one with a cord. In my mind, I see it just getting in the way.
I also recognize that one from S&TC – Sam used it when Brady’s bouncy chair broke. LOL!
I didn’t know people named their sex toys. What a great idea. I’m moving to Mississippi soon, right across the border from Mobile. I wonder if they have an issue with selling sex toys.
Jessica’s last blog post..Should Be Napping
Sex toys are not necessarily a replacement for intimacy, they should be an enhancement. Let’s face it, after awhile, even good sex gets stale, and you HAVE to switch it up and spice it up to keep the physical relationship enjoyable for both parties.
I think a lot of women are afraid to ask for what they want or afraid of hurting their guy’s feelings and therefore don’t want to integrate any “toys” into their sex lives. Let’s not forge that for many dudes, the female “O” is as confusing as females themselves because our bodies and minds work in completely opposite ways. If you are a chick who is thinking it might be time to switch it up, but are not sure how receptive your guy might be, try starting with something small, like a “bullet”. It will NOT make him feel um… “short staffed” at all and when he sees how happy it makes you, he’ll probably be more open to try other things in future.
@Jessica – As a matter of fact, it IS illegal in Mississippi.. as well as Georgia and Texas.
HAPPY CIVIL LIBERTIES!!
Do you know why these women don’t name their toys? Because they didn’t live with you. I on the other hand had my eyes opened long ago. Since that time, Bugsy (whom you helped pick out, cause that’s how the Bitter House rolls) has passed. But fear not! Recently my better half bestowed upon me my new true love- Kinky Pinky. Now, I know what you’re thinking- Bugsy was pink too! But Kinky has much more than Bugsy ever could ever hope for. The variant speeds, mulitple levels, and life-like material set Kinky Pinky apart from the rest. Of course Kinky resides in a drawer with friends: Lil’ John, Big John, and The Happy Heart…I’ll just your mind wander on those:) Thanks Master for your excellent tutelage. John says thanks too!!
My favorite toy is the classic silver bullet. They don’t get names because I go through them to fast. I do have a special friend that I call Mr.
Aardvark’s last blog post..Rocking the rainboots!
My favorite toy was purchased at my first Pure Romance party when my ex-husband was deployed for the 2nd time. I now know that the sex toy is a single (or single by circumstance) woman’s best friend. Some days I wouldn’t be able to function without it. I am on my 2nd one of this particular toy. I believe it is called Home Alone but I don’t remember what the actual name is and they have since discontinued this one. I call it “My Boyfriend.” It is a bullet and is similar to the 7th Heaven. The reason I am on #2 is my lovely ex decided to destroy all my toys when he left me. So my wonderful collection was broken to pieces thanks to his anger. I sought out My Boyfriend online after discovering that it was discontinued. I should have ordered two in case something happens to the one I currently have.
MavsMom’s last blog post..The Single Life
I received a variety of treasures at my batchelorette party, most were dorky (who actually USES edible panties? I felt like I was wearing a fruit rollup on my crotch) but one outshone all the rest.
That Rascally Rabbit.
If it hadn’t had been for Bugs, my pregnancies would have been unbearable. Pregnancy apparently makes me hot to trot, and I didn’t want to bully my husband to do a whale every single night… sometimes twice. Enter Bugs.
Since I’m being honest, I will confess that C. has no idea I have one. I just haven’t had the right opportunity to introduce him to Bugs. That and I’m a tad bit bashful. Yay Charasmatic Baptist Childhood!
BookMamma’s last blog post..My Infidelity
Okay, so I’ve only started venturing into the sex toy field. I have only one – but I do love it. The Rabbit. My little bunny is a good friend to have. I’m also enjoying sharing it with my hubby. But we’re new to this so it’s been fun. Anyhoo, that’s it. No bells or whistles – just good vibrations.
I have a little mini-massager (looks a bit like a lipstick tube) that I named Pensacola after it rolled out of my suitcase, off the table and across the floor at the Pensacola airport during a security baggage check right after 9/11.
Nothing like having the 14 businessmen you’re about to share a very small plane with and a 15 year old TSA worker eyeball your BOB.
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