The Lottery We Never Won

So last week, Bryan and I were giddy with money-dreams.. you know, the dreams where you know that not only is payday around the corner, but so is your TAX REFUND, and you bought a HOUSE this year, and you paid $7K in daycare, and there is mucho dinero just right.around.the.corner!.. and we decided to go out to eat.  We almost never do this during the week, but I was tired and he was tired and the baby was NOT and we said, “You know what?  I think we can afford to eat out tonight.  Let’s SPLURGE.  We’re getting our tax refund back soon anyway.”

We made this deal while we were both still at work.  Bryan walked in the door and gave me this speech, carefully crafted his entire drive home: “Honey, there’s good news and bad news.  The good news is that I love you VERY much..” and then I stopped listening because the bad news must be the equivalent of “I’m starring on the next installment of Dateline: To Catch a Predator” when the good news is so obviously and horribly inflated.

He went on for some time, outlining our blessing and some other bullshit, and finally I asked, “And the bad news?”

“We owe $800 in taxes.”

I didn’t even have words.  No words.  Just sat there, slack-jawed, paused in between shoveling spoonfuls of baby yogurt into Binja’s mouth.  I mean, cause, damn.  Damn.  DAMN!

It took most of that evening for the truth to settle in: there would be no money this year.  None.  In fact, the company bonus I’d just received would barely keep us afloat.  March was always where we caught up, got ahead.  Not this year.  “It is what it is,” I said out loud, A LOT, trying to convince myself.  It was like having the $8 million powerball spent in my head, parceled out to the last dime, and THEN going and buying your ticket.  Money we never had, so no real loss.

SO, in light of that, I offer you a List of Things I Would’ve Bought with Our Tax Refund.

The walls in our bedroom are a soft sage, and our bedding is a robin’s egg blue and chocolate brown.  The fact that the blue and the green clash has been driving my OCD self MAD FOR A YEAR NOW. (But my lazy self wins out because I could’ve just repainted the room already.) Anyway, so this lush bedding set plays off the green in our room and has a breezy, spa-like relaxation to it.  I lurve it.  Of course, it’s only a duvet cover, so I’d need..

A fluffy new down comforter!  Everytime I travel, I stay in really nice hotels that have really nice linens and really nice down bedding.  And I sleep SO FREAKIN WELL.  (Of course, the solo bed and lack of children MAY have something to do with.  As may room service.) So I’ve been dying for a new down comforter and featherbed for us to nestle into everynight.

A new pair of workout sneakers for me.  My husband goes through about 8 pairs of sneakers a year, and I’m always aghast that he can do that and he’s all, “But I wear them EVERY DAY, Sarah!”.  I have worn the same pair of New Balance shoes since I was twenty-one years old, and they’re STILL what I wear to work out.  Of course, I don’t think this is healthy, especially considering they don’t even make that shoe anymore, so I’ve settled on a new pair.

Oh, my Kitchen-Aid stand mixer in lime.. I weep for yet another year we must be apart.  But soon, my darling.  SOON.

Seriously, we may have to get this anyway.  Because HOW FREAKIN’ CUTE IS THAT GIRAFFE?!  And the child is growing like kudzu anyway, so why not make some historical significance out of the fact that I must reclothe him three times a month?  Also, in that same vein..

I officially ADORE these frames that you stick on the wall around pictures.  This would look awesome down our hallway, where it’s scary to actually hang things because we are constantly subjected to Earthquakes by The Boy. (Okay, I could pretty much spend ALL of ANYONE’S tax refund at IKEA.)

And to show that I’m not TOTALLY selfish and I would buy something for Bryan, too, I was totally going to buy this:

Granted, I wasn’t going to pay for the shipping of the women, cause human freight is a BIATCH, but the pole?  Was totally gonna get one.  It’s part of that new Flirty Girl Fitness routine, where you lose weight by acting like Sane Britney Spears.  I may still ask if I can purchase the DVD in anticipation of some random lump sum of money, and then this will be bumped to the top of our priority list. 

BUT.. as it is.. the lottery is not ours this year.  So, knowing our cash flow will not suddenly ebb and knowing that we’ll have to find some cheap way to entertain ourselves, I think we’ll be procuring this:

Why, you may ask?  Because if you want cheap entertainment and you can’t afford your own pole, you visit your local gentlemen’s club during Rookie Night and slather THEIR pole up with this.

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6 Responses to The Lottery We Never Won

  1. Michelle Smiles February 23, 2009 at 8:19 pm #

    Okay, first? Scrolling quickly and seeing a stripper pole followed quickly by vaseline made me really wonder what you had planned and why you were sharing it with all of us. Glad you were just going to play a little joke on some dancers.

    Second. That sucks dead donkey balls. I am hoping we don’t owe this year. For the very first time in our marriage, I convinced my husband to stop taking the absolute minimum of taxes out of his check. His reasoning is sound: why should the government get his money when we could put it in the back and earn the interest. The problem is that we don’t. And it bites us in the ass every April. Hard.

    Third, I dream of a big fluffy, white, soft hotel bed with bedding in my house. But in my house it would be covered in dog hair and baby puke so probably just as well that we don’t have it.

    Michelle Smiles’s last blog post..Happy Father’s Day

  2. Stephanie February 23, 2009 at 9:18 pm #

    1) We ALWAYS pay taxes. It sucks.

    2) We have down comforters. We love them. You can almost always find a good deal on one at TJ Maxx. That said, you live in the South. They are HOT during the summer, and they are expensive to clean. Buy one next fall just before winter sets in…

  3. BookMamma February 24, 2009 at 9:24 am #

    I feel your pain. We owe $600 to the gub’ment because our tax bracket changed. Too bad the new health insurance ate up whatever increase that was and that my husband works for MERRILL freakin LYNCH and I’m in the nonprofit sector.

    I’m really trying to be zen about it all but it gets harder every day. I might steal this post idea… something tells me airing out my Kaboodle will make me feel better.

    Love those frames – my kind of decor! We could always upgrade our stripper pole, but I have it all good and broken in now and I just hate to mess that up…

    BookMamma’s last blog post..Where Did January & February Go?

  4. Gena Wilhite February 24, 2009 at 9:42 am #

    I fear our tax results for this year. But, I already have the stripper pole and video.

    Gena Wilhite’s last blog post..To post or not to post……

  5. bessie.viola February 24, 2009 at 11:09 am #

    Ugh, this was me last year. We bought a house, so I figured we would be MORE than covered.

    Turns out we owed. I don’t even have to tell you what a kick in the face that was, since you’re going through it right now.

    Sucks. March is our catch-up month too. Oh how I LOVE March!

    bessie.viola’s last blog post..homesick

  6. pwrinkle February 24, 2009 at 11:21 am #

    So sorry! I feel your pain. Due to an error when inputting my wife’s payroll information, we went from a $6K refund to owing $2K. Might as well get used to the idea of owing….

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