I will start by saying this: I am not skinny.  Never have been.

Weight has always  been an issue of mine.  I have tried every diet known to man, swallowed every pill promised to make it go away, and I have always remained in the same weight bracket.  

Oddly enough, I have known many a man to find me attractive.  It does boggle the mind, no?

When men are feeling their most insecure, and when men feel like they are losing control in their own lives, I think the EASIEST thing to attack is (naturally) a woman’s appearance.  When they can’t attack an actress’s talents, it’s simpler and takes far less cajones to stab at their flab.  If the actress is successful, well-liked, and established, it’s deemed a miracle; surely we don’t like looking at overweight women on stage or screen?  Or if an actress is allowed to (GASP!) play a love interest, an ingenue even, while carrying cellulite?!  Good Lord, stop the insanity.  Fat people never find love in REAL life, so why portray it in art?

This week, I read a man’s attempt to lengthen his own penis and found it the single-most appalling, degrading, and (frankly) chickenshit piece of literature I’ve read to date.  This man, who parades as a professional writer, succeeded not only in raising the ire of many MANY people, but also in proving himself to be the most limp-dick and spineless joke of a Y-chromosome-wasted to grace the internet.

More, including the piece in question, after the jump.

First and foremost, let me just throw in the double-standard.  It’s obvious, and probably doesn’t need a refresher course, but let’s take a moment anyway.  Adam Sandler, Seth Rogen, and Kevin James are all considered leading men.  Granted, these are primarily in comic roles, but still. (And for the record, I love those guys.  Well, two of ‘em.) These men are routinely paired up with hotties the likes of Courtney Cox, Katherine Heigel, and Leah Remini.  Which, you know, sure.  Whatever.  

But I am having trouble thinking of a woman who carries weight on her that I consider a “heavier” woman.

Oh!  Not to worry!  Spike TV has so graciously offered us a list of “Butterbodies”.

So, yes, let’s discuss the fat women of Hollywood.

Drew Barrymore.  Ah, yes.  The huge and obese Drew.  I often look at her size 6 frame and think, “Damn, woman.  Lay off the cheeseburgers.”

And Salma Hayek.  I think we all know that EVERY man is disgusted by a woman with a fabulous rack and a great ass.

Mandy Moore?  No, we need LESS of Mandy.  Look at how heavy she is!  Oh, the shame!

Liv Tyler!  Oh, there is no man on earth who would hit that, right?  I mean, look at that belly! (Need to borrow my magnifying glass?)

Here’s the rub.  Again, I have never been skinny.  Even when Drew was in her “heavy” period, I was like, “I would give my eyeteeth to have one of her thighs.”  And Salma Hayek?  Don’t even get me fucking started.  She brought back old-school curves back when I was rocking mine hardest.  She is my sister in assdom.  I thank God every time I see her that she has chosen NOT to conform to the shapeless, stick figure ideal in Hollywood.  Because, really, a man who finds this appealing?

Is a man I don’t want in my bed anyway.

Of course, it is most likely that same man who would pen such a detestable piece of garbage instead of, ya know, doing something good for the world or even bettering his own piece of it.  It’s that same man who finds it easier to bitch about others and how they look or carry themselves .. and do so online, in a truly pusillanimous fashion .. rather than admitting that perhaps — JUST, PERHAPS — they should stop and take a hard, long look in the mirror and come to grips with what they see there.