“Mary walks
down to the water’s edge,
and there she hangs her head
to find herself faded:
a shadow of what she once was.
She said, “How long have I been sleeping
and why do I feel so old?
Why do I feel so cold?
My heart is saying one thing but my body won’t let go.”
- “Mary”, Sarah McLachlan

This is Sarah, beaten.

I’ve rewritten the next sentence four times now to try and make it more upbeat.  I hate writing sad, mopey, “woe is me” stuff.  Mostly because I hate reading it.  And because I’m resillient (I think) and I’ll be up again in no time (I hope) and I’ll look back and hate my little pity party that I threw myself.

But here’s what it boils down to.

I’m so tired.  I’m tired of not having time.  I’m tired of having to schedule things three weeks in advance in order to find a few hours that aren’t already booked.  I’m tired of not having dinner with my husband.  I’m tired of not seeing a sunset.  I’m tired of not being able to walk hills with my friends.  I miss my friends.  I feel like I haven’t seen them in WAY too long.  I’m tired of having to cancel lunches.  I’m tired of having to budget every goddamn dime.  I miss V8, tunafish, and Allegra-D.  I’m tired of crawling into bed too tired to talk and silently resenting Bryan if he has the energy to hold a conversation.  I miss him.  I’m tired of having four different directors all tell me something different, and the one director that really DOES matter in my book changing her mind every time the lights change.  I’m tired of being a trooper backstage to only be ripped up.  I’m tired of having rehearsals every night.  I’m tired of being someone else.

Alright, that’s done.  Pity party over.

So, in other, more amusing news, I lost my tail last night.  My character, the Amayzing Mayzie, is reknown throughout the jungle of Nool for her fantastic tail.  And, believe me, it is FABULOUS.  But it’s also heavy.  And when Mayzie comes down from her nest in the hopes that Horton the Elephant will sit on her egg for her, conceivably, her tail comes with her.  But that was not the case last night.  My entire tail stayed up, perched on a 9 foot nest.  Talk about cutting Samson’s hair.

I think, maybe, it’s time for a sabbatical.