I Win!
by Sarah Lena ~ June 13th, 2008. Filed under: The Unexplainable.I know I’ve been gone too long. I apologize. But y’all, for real, it should be a drinking game on this blog.. everytime Sarah says “I have too many balls in the air” or “I’m so overwhelmed/overbooked/overtired”, we get to take three shots.
Well, at least that’s how I get through my day: three shots at a time.
Since I’ve been gone for a long time, I have decided to regail you with one of my less specatcular moments that occurred this last week.
Bryan and I have different quirks. Most couples do. Most couples enter the relationship with certain things.. standards, perhaps.. that they place emphasis on. The other person may not agree. For instance, I like my toilet paper to unroll to the front. Bryan, for whatever reason, always loads it to unroll in the back. (He also does this with paper towels.) Another example: Bryan insists on the toilet seat being down when the toilet is not in use.
Before we continue, quick poll: how many of you keep the toilet seat down in between users?
I may have tried to accomodate this need for, like, say, maybe a week. When we first started dating. But it’s just something I couldn’t get behind. It didn’t make sense to me. Why put the seat down? And more importantly, it if it was that crucial to him, why couldn’t I remember to do it?
My rationale was so explained to me this week.
Most of my nights this week have involved RACING to daycare to pick up Binja, RACING home to change him, SHOVING food in his mouth, and RACING back out the door to (insert evening activity here). We’re home, at most, half an hour. And since I started this new job, I usually haven’t had time to stop since noon.
So I ran in one night this week having to pee. But when I entered the house, the thunder of my stomach warned me that my bowels HAVE REACHED DEFCON 5 PLEASE PROCEED TO TOILET IMMEDIATELY KTHANXBAI.
And boy, I was PUCKERIN’. Seriously.
I put my child in his highchair (which was on the floor, so please don’t call DHS yet) and didn’t even buckle him in and then hurdled over the baby gate to our guest bathroom. I call this bathroom “Friday’s bathroom” because his large-ass litter box and food bowls occupy it. And he decided that he was hungry RIGHT THAT MINUTE and I nearly broke my neck trying not to break his. I then decided to run the extra five feet to our bathroom so I could go in peace.
Yes. I would not poop with the cat in the bathroom. I need my privacy.
So I haul ass in my bathroom, flip up my dress, and plop down. Just in time, because there was no pucker on earth that could have held it in.
And lo and behold.. my ass was cold.
BECAUSE THE FRICKIN’ SEAT WAS DOWN.
I POOED ON THE TOILET SEAT.
WHILE MY CHILD WAS IN A HIGHCHAIR, IN ANOTHER ROOM, UNRESTRAINED.
POO. ON THE TOILET SEAT.
That deserves, like, eighteen shots.
And I took ‘em, too.
June 13th, 2008 at 9:48 am
I hope you had a LARGE glass of wine when you finally got everything taken care of…
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June 13th, 2008 at 10:19 am
Wow…that was by far the best laugh I have had all week. I have to agree with you on the leaving the toilet seat down. I had a boyfriend who always put his down so the dog couldn’t drink out of it. However when I stumble in there first thing in the morning half asleep (or anytime when I was drunk) it required just that much more effort to open the toilet lid. Frankly in the morning I don’t even want to have to open my eyes since I know the exact path to the bathroom much less have to think about anything other than turning around and sitting.
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June 13th, 2008 at 12:05 pm
We have to keep our front bathroom seat down or the dog with drink from it. Luckily I haven’t had any trouble with it yet!
Thanks for the laugh!
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June 13th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
I’m sorry, Sarah, but that is SO funny.
No one deserves such a sh!tty experience.
June 13th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
maybe THAT’S why i do it…it’s a trap.
June 13th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
Ive peed on mine, ummm, more than once. I keep it down to keep the cat from drinking out of it so it is my fault. Since having the baby when I have to go -OMG it is coming you better unbuckle NOW- so it happens.
I think your lucky that Brian puts it down at all (this incident aside), you dont want to be falling into the bowl! Also, how do you get him to put tp or paper towels on the roll? Your man is 2 up on mine. The tp ends up on the back of the toilet and the papertowels on the counter, both a mere 6 inches from their respective homes. Grumble!
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June 13th, 2008 at 3:06 pm
You and your bathroom issues?! Why not just go get bagles ?
June 13th, 2008 at 6:40 pm
We have to keep ours down so the cats won’t drink out of them and I have peed on ours many times. It’s never fun.
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June 13th, 2008 at 7:40 pm
I am howling! I had to read this post to my husband, it was so funny.
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June 13th, 2008 at 11:10 pm
Wow, that trumps my Disneyland shart story. That is by far the best poo story I’ve heard.
June 14th, 2008 at 1:18 am
Oh, Sarah! That’s too funny. I have to agree with Bryan though–I always leave the seat down and here’s why. Every time you flush there is spray…and I do not want poo germs on my toothbrush, thank you very much. Flushing with the lid up…mega gross. Also a good reason to not lean back on the seat, i.e. back to the lid. Of course, my brother disagreed until I told him to flush while he sat on the toilet but it sprayed his behind and now he knows…
Am I O.C.D.? I think so.
June 15th, 2008 at 12:20 am
I say, anyone who wants to drink out of the toilet should be allowed to do so. There. Despite the poo-spraying problem, I think our larger problem is solved.
June 15th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
My husband is also a toilet lid down kind of guy. I haven’t had any accidents yet but it has been close.
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June 15th, 2008 at 10:48 pm
You’re going to understand why he does this in, oh, maybe 6 months… Because toddlers love toddling over to the toilet and PLAYING in it!
June 16th, 2008 at 1:47 am
Why not leave the seat up and close the bathroom door??? Then the cat or dog can’t get in there. Nor can the toddler who wil learn how to raise the seat. Toddler-proof the door knob.
December 15th, 2008 at 12:51 pm
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