Okay, CLEARLY I seriously enjoy my time out as an adult, because I want to find Mr. Spielberg’s house, rap lightly on his chamber door, and demand my money back AND retroactive babysitting for the monstrosity that was Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.
Because, DAMN.
The child stayed with my parents for an afternoon/evening, so we decided to visit the overly-hyped cinema over towards them. I know a lot of people go starry-eyed over this damn theatre, but seriously? Every time we go, we are SERIOUSLY disappointed. It’s dirty. It’s overcrowded. They don’t put the names of the movie outside of the theatres. (Is it really THAT tacky to post? Does it seriously detract from the whole movie-going experience to put that on the theatre?) And my favorite part: they have assigned seating. Which, from the start, is, like, suspect.. you have to tell me where to sit? In a movie theatre? But you rationalize it, like I did, and think, well, cool, no more fighting for those coveted “middle” seats.
AH HA! They sucked you in, too! Because, guess what? IT STINKS.
First of all, the theatre does not believe lighting is cool. They believe that dim (think “nightlight” and then squint.. THAT dim) equals “sophisticated” and “more expensive”, so they don’t give you enough light in the theatre to read the damn seat numbers. So they put an usher in the theatre. I suppose a prequalification for the usher’s position is night vision, because I was all, don’t you have a flashlight?, and he was all, no, I didn’t go get one. So after opening BOTH of our cell phones (while carrying cherry cokes.. mmmm.. and popcorn and Sour Patch Kids)(BUT NOT A DIAPER BAG.. WOO HOO), and basking in the warm glow of AT&T Wireless, we finally found our seat. Where the movie sucked ass.
Seriously.. George, Steven, and Harrison.. I blame you. George, this was clearly all for you. This movie reeks of “I haven’t had my name in lights in years, but don’t have anything original to go on”, alternately titled “Attack of the Clones”. Steven, WHAT IN THE HELL POSESSED YOU TO APPROVE THAT SCRIPT? I grew up on Spielberg (who in my generation didn’t?), and of all the things I always ADORED about his work.. this went staunchly against it. And for someone who came out and said they were going to avoid CGI and over-the-top crashes/effects/battles.. SERIOUSLY?! NEED I MENTION THE FRIGGIN MONKEY SCENE?!
I am trying not to include any spoilers here, because Lord knows one of you might be slightly more lame than I and come out from under your rock to go view it. And I would hate for you to walk into it KNOWING what to hate when there’s a good two hours of open opportunity for your disdain in there.
Oooh, to prove how lame the movie was? For an entire ten minute dialogue scene, I watched the extras in the background. I wrote a story for them. Two guys, fighting over one girl, but not really fighting. See? That one boy did something phallic with his french fry when she wasn’t looking. His buddy’s clearly the wingman. And she’s kinda acting cold about the whole thing and eyeing the door like her real boyfriend might walk in any second. And.. oh, there’s a movie going on? Really? Cause I WOULD RATHER BE WATCHING PAINT DRY.
Cate Blanchett’s accent was horriblé. And yes, it was French-bad.
The ending was so incredibly lame and UN-Spielbergy that I was literally saying to the screen, “YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.”
And not a crystal skull. A Party City plexiglass Halloween skull filled with mushed up plastic wrap.
As you can see, I hated all things about that movie, save one saving grace:
Shia Le-Freaking-Bouf. I could slurp him up with a spoon.
Maybe we should make an effort to get out more often so I don’t feel so betrayed when a movie this crappy comes along. Then again, I didn’t think the masters of cinema I grew up with would’ve ever let something like Kingdom of the Craptastic Skull ever happen.
Heh… craptastic.
I’m with you on the accent. It was almost as god as my “Emma” in Ragtime… Yeah melting-pot!
Ok, I love Monaco. Not because its everything it claims, but because it reminds me of The Arclight, which I know you’ve seen countless times if you have ever watched E! or Entourage.
The Arclight is a movie haven where you can have wine, beer, coffee…pretty much any damn thing you want and watch a movie in peace. AND its full of alumni…can we say, “free”. They have the ushers, only these guys have flashlights at all times.
I still haven’t forgiven Spielburg for A.I. He ruined it. Very slowly.
We loved it.
I liked the movie, but I went into it knowing it would be silly and over the top. I did have the same thought on the crystal skull. Seriously, they couldn’t do any better than that?
Cate Blanchett is gorgeous, bad accent or no. I liked Shia.
So the Monaco has assigned seating? This troubles me.
Gena Wilhite’s last blog post..Happy June!!!!!!
Have to say I enjoyed the movie, but I knew going in what to expect…an over the top attempt to recreate another moneymaking chapter in an established movie franchise. But, I really enjoyed the other three Indiana Jones, so I went in with my brain turned off.
Not to threadjack, but have you seen No Country For Old Men? I rented that this weekend and when it was over I just wanted to throw my remote through the tv! Overall a gripping movie, but an ending that would make the pope cuss.
Waterpail, I have NOT seen the Old Men movie. It’s on my list of movies to rent from Amazon Unboxed now that our TiVo is talking to our broadband. It’s amazing how much technology can constrain my life.
I’ve heard it was PHENOMENAL, with a bad guy I will totally love to hate.
Ok I’ve been to the Monaco all of twice now and have yet to have to sit in an “assigned” seat. I keep hearing about this elusive critter, but have yet to see it with my own eyes.
CAN’T watch that movie, waterpail…Sooooo gory, also known as right up Sarah’s ally! Sarah- its gore with a plot!
This is why we have long since stopped going to the movies unless we are at least 90% sure the movie won’t suck. As such, we haven’t been to the movie in nearly two years. And, I can’t remember what it was!
Seriously, it’s so much trouble to arrange our schedules for a night off together AND to arrange child-care (which, most of the time costs us extra on top of the cost of dinner and the ever increasing cost of the tickets!)
Here’s the answer to the rising cost of movies: we need to start drilling for our own. It’s become blatantly obvious that the movies we are importing from Out West are low on quality and high on price. I think I’m going to start a movement.
Tee’s last blog post..Morgan’s Cinematic Debut
Indiana Jones and the Phantom Menace might have been a more appropriate name. Not that I’ve seen it, too many people have warned me away from it. Shame that it’s so lame…
Geoff’s last blog post..Feels Like You’re Watching a Film Made By Madmen